Need a Plan for My Marriage

[soleil]

I just don't know how counseling will change her if she does not want to change. The counselor could tell her how, but it is up to her to make the effort. Noone is able to make her change the way she acts towards me but her.

Well I agree with you here BUT it takes two to tango and I honestly do not see anything wrong with MC. It can't hurt unless you get someone saying, DIVORCE ALREADY!

[LSG]

idontunderstand,

I am sorry to hear you have had some ups and down this week too. I do always appreciate your positive attitude when you respond to my post.

You always keep me focused on the important aspects of my life such as me and the kids. My kids have become so much more of my focus

I have given up trying to find out what is wrong when she act cold and distant. I know it will not get me anywhere, so I don't bother. I just walk off or spend time with the kids. I do come here to do just as you have suggested to get my frustations out here and to keep myself ground and feeling that I am headed toward the right path.

I am following your advice and others here. Some suggestions I find that I do not do immediately but end up doing them at a later date.

Here is a quick man hug back to you.

[LSG]

Soleil,

It does take two to tango, and I have been willing. I agree marriage counseling is very positive if both parties are doing it for the right reasons. I question her motives at the moment. I am sorry I feel my distrust of her showing through here.

She is saying that the marriage counseling this time will be for communicating better if we get divorced for the kids. She says it is for the kids, but I have found and been proven wrong in the past that it is for her own selfish reasons validating her behavior. I just want to in counseling for that reason.

I want counseling to help our marriage.

I appreciate what you are saying and am all for it if she will do for the marriage. She broke a signed contract to the counselor to have NC with OM, and she lied the whole time. I just lost interest in counseling and discussing issues that were irrelevant.

Thank you so much for your post.

[soleil]

LSG,

I get where you're coming from with the distrust. Feel your feelings.

When/if you do get in counselling, tell the C what your purpose there is and let her say her piece. Validate all she is saying and listen.

How are the kids taking this?

[LSG]

Hi Soleil,

I am still keeping my options open regarding MC. I just don't know whether I want to spend the time that could work to further put my M that much closer to D. She quit wearing her wedding ring. I have not said anything about that.

I will validate and listen because I just don't have much to say on what it is she wants to discuss. I just do not know what to say, so I don't say much of anything.

The kids are taking the situation very hard. My youngest son prayed to god "Please make our family like it was," and he prayed for Jesus for being killed is what he said. My daughter has been having some trouble with friends lately at school.

Both of my kids do enjoy going with me to my friend's church, and I have been enjoying it too. W does not go and says she has nothing in common with the people there. It is her choice of course.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Hi DaddyLongShanks,

I am not sure what to do at this point.

She did not wear her wedding ring today. I noticed that this morning. I did not say anything. There is not much to say.

Tonight we went to McDonalds with the kids and to Blockbuster for a movie after I picked her up.

At Blockbuster, she mentioned she wanted to go back to counseling. I asked why? She did not really say, so I just left it alone.

At McDonalds, we talked a little while the kids played in the Playplace. She mentioned counseling again. Again, I asked why? She said when we D we need to be able to communicate better for the kids. She told me that from the beginning of this that she wanted a D, and she said "obviously you don't. She said we could go together or do 2 and 2 of the remaining 4 sessions we have left. I told her I will think about it.

I was so angry inside that she mentioned that we needed counseling to learn to communicate better while she is the one having an A. I did keep my cool even though I had a sick feeling in my stomach. I really don't know what to do. I am trying not believe anything she says, but it did hurt to the core of me.

I do try to communicate with her to have her be negative and not listen. I just find it terrible that she is the one with the communication problems, and she wants me to get counseling. I did want to say more, but I did not want to start an argument, so I politely got up to have another refill.

She found my handwritten journal, but she did not have time to read it, and the kids said mommy has your book. I said okay and did not say anymore. It only tells about what happens with her during the day, nothing more. I write the really "juicy stuff" here. She was looking at some adultery books I left (intentionally)on the table from the library.

Anyways, I just want her to go to sleep tonight, so I have my time to relax my mind and calm my stomach a little.

My sitch seems to progressing in the opposite direction than I had hope.

I still do have hope, but it becomes more difficult everyday.

LSG,

I understand where your at,and many of us do. Keep in mind this "negative" persona may be continually painting you as the bad guy... Like as a computer would, 24x7. What can you do about it ?

You can plan your conselling sessions and what area's you are willing to cover and how you are going to respond.

If your counselor remains sided up with your wife, pick a new one. This new one has some affinity torwards "Fathers rights", its getting real serious these days. This type of counselor is going to want to hear both sides and not assume just because you are a male that you are the bad guy.

Stay strong and keep the chin up in all this turmoil. Do your best not to have a "martyr complex". Let your kids have alot of fun. Have fun for yourself. Occasionally invite the wife for fun too.

I know where you are at and I wish I didn't know.

[LSG]

Hi DaddyLongShanks,

I know that I am being painted as the bad guy even if I am not. Change that? I don't how I would go about doing that. I would like the answers to that. It is a difficult place for me to exist in. I wish I knew a way to break free from this place. For now it is where I reside trying to minimize the negativity that it could be causing for my M.

I have already thought about the counseling sessions, and I will discuss this with counselor when we are able to talk. We have kept missing each other for some reason. He said he would call back today, but he never did. I guess he was busy. What do you mean by a "matyr complex?"

I do invite her when we go somewhere. It is her choice to go or not.

Thanks for the input.

[DaddyLongShanks]

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Hi DaddyLongShanks,

I know that I am being painted as the bad guy even if I am not. Change that? I don't how I would go about doing that. I would like the answers to that. It is a difficult place for me to exist in. I wish I knew a way to break free from this place. For now it is where I reside trying to minimize the negativity that it could be causing for my M.

I have already thought about the counseling sessions, and I will discuss this with counselor when we are able to talk. We have kept missing each other for some reason. He said he would call back today, but he never did. I guess he was busy. What do you mean by a "matyr complex?"

I do invite her when we go somewhere. It is her choice to go or not.

Thanks for the input.

"Martyr complex" is that you put yourself in the position of Jesus Christ where you believe the world is out to get you.

Eventually, you will get tired of her game. You will believe and know that you deserve and can get alot more from another lady. You will feel that you never should have been put in this position. There are alot of different types of women out there and many of them want a good guy.

I have a feeling in your couseling sessions it can end up appearing that the counselor and the wife gang up on you. How to prevent this here? How to prevent it in other situations. My wife was good at that game, actually "triangulating" ( look that up in the dictionary ), against me in nearly any social situation. It is a huge disadvantage.

However there is a huge potential advantage later, as having been used to getting cheated and triangulated on in most situations... When you have an actual partner who is going to stand by you in most situations its going to feel like a huge positive boost in retrospect. Life WILL BE GOOD. If the wife does not want to be a good partner, we can find another who would LOVE to be a good partner.

Life is too short to line up with someone who is going to slow you down and impede you on purpose.

Give it some more time, get your plan together. The plan is such that you are strengthening and building yourself even in the face of sure demise for this situation.

[LSG]

This weekend has been a tough one, but I have handled the problems the best I ever have. I do not argue or get mad. I simply state my point and move on. Wife has been wearing her wedding ring again since she did not wear it on Friday. She keeps asking about MC and if I contacted him.

She does have a new debit card. I wonder if she is putting some of her pay on it, or if the money comes from her parents or the OM. I guess I will never know. I did not ask. I just distance myself from her and the A. She is more and more rude and negative to me, but I have just been acting like it is no problem. She did not like what I cooked yesterday, and asked why I bought what I bought and so on. I simply told her if she does not want to eat it, she doesn't have to. I went on with my night and did not argue.

I do not know what will happen with our R and I try to not worry about it continue to follow the advice I have been given by everyone here. It has helped me to deal with my sitch better. I know I still have a long ways to go in what I will decide for my M, and I do not know what the future will bring. I guess I have to live with the unknown for now.

I am doing better at doing what I need for myself the last couple of day.

[DaddyLongShanks]

LSG,

I just got blamed in another thread "MrBond" in the OfficerInNeed thread for cheating on my wife. He was saying "aren't you the one who cheated on her, and now that the shoe is on the other foot you are P.O.d".

I explained to him that I have never cheated on my wife or been in an inappropriate situation.


My wife has also had debit cards, etc. I know I'm not putting funds on them and have had to wonder if there is some helpful "OM" doing this.

LSG, on your wife getting progressively mean and rude to you. While they are cheating you and embellishing in it, they are building up a ego that actually does not like you. It will attack you, and as you see through her treatment and communication. Its getting worse and you didn't do anything, but in this case be innocent and she knows it.

I went ahead and started doing marriage councelling. My wife unloaded a laundry list on me, I got most of the points down on paper though. I did not get to respond because the session ended. I will respond in the next session if she participates.

Remember this, no matter how bad the spouse gets. There are others out there who will be happy to be with you, and WILL NOT want to get over on you. Remember that to keep your security.

on the OM, you have to find a way to blow that open. Its good for the self esteem and will be an instantaneous reversal. Plus the longer the relationship goes on, the worse things will be for you.