Just found out she already filed

[OldFool]

OF, at a minimum we need to see a summary of your sitch in your signature. As long as we've been talking I don't even know your age and can't remember how long you were married if you had grown kids but most importantly what you're doing now and what are your plans (I'd asked before but you didn't give any details ).

I married "late" and was married for roughly seven years. No children (thankfully, in light of everything that transpired). I was a workaholic before meeting my X and have largely gone back to that life. That wasn't intentional...it just sort of happened without my really noticing it. I've been more successful in my career than at pretty much anything else, so I've ended up following the old adage, "Stick with what you know."

I'm not certain I understand what you mean by "plans". I've never been into making lists of things I want to do and generally take life as it comes (even more so now). So no, "I'm going to climb Mt. McKinley", or anything like that. If you're talking about relationships, I'm at a point of "Not now, maybe not ever." My X was doing so much lying and game playing by the end that I am simply incapable of believing anything that comes out of a woman's mouth.

That doesn't mean I think all women are like that (or even a majority, for that matter). However, I do believe a substantial number of them are and have proven (beyond a doubt) that I am completely incapable of detecting them. If you know you can't tell the difference between a poisonous snake and a harmless one in a room full of snakes, you give them all a wide berth. Likewise, my only choice is to regard all women as dangerous at best and potentially lethal at worst.

As for going dark, I WANT to go dark but it's hard.

Nobody said it would be easy. It's like deciding one day to cut off your arm. Easier said than done.

When DD's with me she calls STBXW to say goodnight (and vice-versa with me) so while I dial and hand her the phone STBXW knows I'm in the house so at best I can only go dark for 2-3 days out of the week when DD's with her and she hears or knows nothing about me.

If you're not actually on the phone, you're dark.

I'm not making an excuse, I sometimes want to know where she is but so far I've resisted really well to find out. Sometimes I want to say how I feel (angry at times and sad at times and missing her at times) but I haven't said a word so far...just here to you guys.

Good for you (it wouldn't help anyway). BTW...I wasn't saying you were making an excuse, just pointing out how easy it is to slip into that (and many in these forums over the years have done just that).

When you're feeling bad, just remember that it's something you have to do. It's going to be unpleasant for a year or so, but that's just the way it is. After that the emotional scar tissue begins to form and the pain isn't as sharp. I can guarantee that at some point you will go through an entire day without thinking of your STBXW. You have a ways to go before you get to that point, but it will come. I expect there will come a time when I can go for an entire week without my X even crossing my mind. I'm getting there, but haven't reached that mark just yet.

Patience and endurance to you.