Just found out she already filed

[NoLongerHere]

Not really Bill...I miss her terribly at times. I question why she won't see how much I love her and miss her. What's so great about this life she's created for all of us? My DD still says things like 'daddy when we go camping next time...' and it hurts because the poor thing doesn't know we won't be going camping - not in the same way we did before. She thinks most things will be the same as before but she doesn't know.

Yes. I can relate to this completely.

But what I mean to say is, you're doing good things - getting out there, having conversations with people. Doesn't mean it's easy. But if you can casually flirt or make jokes with strangers, that's positive. I remember when that was really hard. I remember going to church and feeling like I needed to run screaming because it was too overwhelming sitting in a crowd of people, I was so messed up with what was going on with me.

Keel GALing and create positive momentum.

[OldFool]

OF, at a minimum we need to see a summary of your sitch in your signature. As long as we've been talking I don't even know your age and can't remember how long you were married if you had grown kids but most importantly what you're doing now and what are your plans (I'd asked before but you didn't give any details ).

I married "late" and was married for roughly seven years. No children (thankfully, in light of everything that transpired). I was a workaholic before meeting my X and have largely gone back to that life. That wasn't intentional...it just sort of happened without my really noticing it. I've been more successful in my career than at pretty much anything else, so I've ended up following the old adage, "Stick with what you know."

I'm not certain I understand what you mean by "plans". I've never been into making lists of things I want to do and generally take life as it comes (even more so now). So no, "I'm going to climb Mt. McKinley", or anything like that. If you're talking about relationships, I'm at a point of "Not now, maybe not ever." My X was doing so much lying and game playing by the end that I am simply incapable of believing anything that comes out of a woman's mouth.

That doesn't mean I think all women are like that (or even a majority, for that matter). However, I do believe a substantial number of them are and have proven (beyond a doubt) that I am completely incapable of detecting them. If you know you can't tell the difference between a poisonous snake and a harmless one in a room full of snakes, you give them all a wide berth. Likewise, my only choice is to regard all women as dangerous at best and potentially lethal at worst.

As for going dark, I WANT to go dark but it's hard.

Nobody said it would be easy. It's like deciding one day to cut off your arm. Easier said than done.

When DD's with me she calls STBXW to say goodnight (and vice-versa with me) so while I dial and hand her the phone STBXW knows I'm in the house so at best I can only go dark for 2-3 days out of the week when DD's with her and she hears or knows nothing about me.

If you're not actually on the phone, you're dark.

I'm not making an excuse, I sometimes want to know where she is but so far I've resisted really well to find out. Sometimes I want to say how I feel (angry at times and sad at times and missing her at times) but I haven't said a word so far...just here to you guys.

Good for you (it wouldn't help anyway). BTW...I wasn't saying you were making an excuse, just pointing out how easy it is to slip into that (and many in these forums over the years have done just that).

When you're feeling bad, just remember that it's something you have to do. It's going to be unpleasant for a year or so, but that's just the way it is. After that the emotional scar tissue begins to form and the pain isn't as sharp. I can guarantee that at some point you will go through an entire day without thinking of your STBXW. You have a ways to go before you get to that point, but it will come. I expect there will come a time when I can go for an entire week without my X even crossing my mind. I'm getting there, but haven't reached that mark just yet.

Patience and endurance to you.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Thanks for the info "Old Friend"

You're so right about reminding myself that it is something I HAVE to do. I already do that and it helps. Sometimes I'm just unsure if perhaps it'd easier to catch the bee with the honey than not?

Journaling:
So STBXW left yesterday for her out of town 100 mile biking trip. I knew she was leaving Fri but wasn't sure when, where she's staying, who she's going with etc. I tried to not think about it much. Last night she texted around 8:30pm saying "Are you guys around? I'm going to sleep soon...just checking if DD can call now [to say goodnight]?". I saw the text but DD didn't want to talk to her so I figured I'd let her know after I put DD to bed. The whole time I kept wondering why she's going to bed so early? I think the logical explanation would be that she has to get up early for her bike ride but I kept thinking what if she doesn't want us to call her later in case she's with someone else - my heart was pounding out of my chest, I was feeling knots in my stomach.

Anyway, I was so emotionally tired that I fell asleep on the floor next to DD's bed - didn't even get to change etc.

So this morning I sent her an email:

"Just saw your text from last night, sorry. DD didn't want to call you last night and I meant to let you know but I guess I was so tired I just fell asleep next to her bed. You can call her today if you want. Hope you're having fun biking!"

Then this afternoon as DD and I were having lunch at a local fast food joint she texted (multiple):

"Almost half way. Tell DD I missed her and I love her! At mile 43 rest stop"

Then a few mins later:
"At lunch now mile 60. Waited for signal."

So I responded:
"Wow, you're more than half way done. What time did you start? We're having lunch too"

Her:
"At 6:45!!! tired." and she attached a pic of her wearing her biking gear etc.

Me:
"Can't see the pic very well on this crappy BB but that doesn't look like you" I attached a pic of DD from this morning when we went on a small hike with her bug catching kit

Her:
"awww cute, did she catch any bugs?"

Me:
"She did"

Her again:
"Darn, can show you the pic tomorrow. Don't forget DD's international day tomorrow."

I didn't feel it was necessary to respond after that.

So I'm still thinking about who she's with in the back of my mind but really she doesn't have to be out of town to do that. She could've already been doing that for all I know. I just don't trust her anymore. However, when she's nice, chatty and funny darn it to heck I still want her back and for things to stay the way they are at that moment - how they mostly were before.

I don't feel like spending 4hrs at some girl scout festival and I don't know why she keeps insisting she'll meet us there. Honestly, I'd rather not see her.

[whatisis]

Ah Romeo, it is so hard especially when this is so new to you! When STBX is nice, it feels like everything is good, you wonder "why aren't we still together", most understandably. I still get those thoughts sometimes. But, just remember that those "nice" moments are just that and those are about 1% of the total experience. My advise is to enjoy those nice times, thank the Lord that you two can still have them (many couples can't even be nice to each other), then let them go. My STBX and I still go to all the kids events together, it's part of being a family, in whatever form that may be now. You are still parents and DD is still your daughter. Really try to be OK with that when possible. But again, this is all pretty fresh for you so I can understand you having some feelings about having to see her tomorrow. Hang in there, you'll make it!

[ClingingToHope]

I agree with Whatisis. It's so hard to have a good interaction with the Ex or the STBX in my case and not think -- well, maybe ...

Not every day, but each week you'll start letting go more and more. This bicycle trip reminds me of my STBXW's scheduled trip to Sturgis this August with her best friend.

When I found out she was going it put me in a three-day tailspin. Now, I still don't like it -- anytime I hear about motorcyclists or Harleys it hurts -- but it's not as bad. I know she's going with her best friend -- who I was always friends with -- but she's also going with a bunch of townie bikers.

That's her choice and I hope by August I'm to the point where I don't think about it. I probably will, but I hope I have enough going on in my life to not worry so much about hers.

Hey, pick up this book. Susan Anderson's "A Journey from Abandonment to Healing." It's written specifically for the LBS. It does a great job of explaining why we cling to a relationship that wasn't working anyway.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Wii, CTH, thanks for the perspective.

CTH, I do have that book and read it every now and then. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the internalizing phase, then rage but then go back to shattering...roller coaster.

Journaling:
So, last night DD again said she didn't want to call STBXW. So I texted her around 8:30p saying 'DD says she doesn't want to call but to tell you that she loves you. I asked a few times to call you but she didn't want to.'

At 9:30p STBXW response 'That's OK, I forgot my stupid phone when we went to dinner. Going to sleep, thanks for watching her and having a fun hike with her!'

doh! it was my weekend to watch her anyway and I'm not the one who wants to be a part-time parent. She does seem a bit 'chatty' lately - in the past whenever she's been nice to me was because she'd done something bad like filing for divorce etc (which in this case she's already done). So that's a concern.

So this morning I lied awake thinking of all the things I want to tell her and how to say it like "well I've been thinking about our R and I've decided I don't want to be with someone who doesn't appreciate me. I'm a great catch (so is she, many guys would be willing to be with her) despite my flaws (we all have those) but I'm not a lying, cheating, betrayer. I'm a great dad and wanted to be a great partner to you and for that reason one day I'll be able to look back and be OK knowing I did what I could've."

Of course, I won't bring up any R talk unless she does and when I do I don't know if this is what I should say to her. Like a roller coaster what I want to say changes each day.

I still feel like telling her that I don't think she should come to the girl scout thing I'm more than capable of bringing DD there myself and two in the end it's hard for DD to go home with one parent and not the other, she cries.

[ClingingToHope]

So this morning I lied awake thinking of all the things I want to tell her and how to say it like "well I've been thinking about our R and I've decided I don't want to be with someone who doesn't appreciate me. I'm a great catch (so is she, many guys would be willing to be with her) despite my flaws (we all have those) but I'm not a lying, cheating, betrayer. I'm a great dad and wanted to be a great partner to you and for that reason one day I'll be able to look back and be OK knowing I did what I could've."

You know what. Keep all of this to yourself. I've spent way too much time trying to steer conversations or wait for the opportunity to jump in to make points like the ones above.

It didn't get me anywhere, in fact it most likely made things worse.

She's thought long and hard about this, most likely, and a speech isn't going to change anything.

[flowmom]

(((SR))) I hope to be reading about your GAL plans here soon .

[Gardener]

SR, I agree with CTH completely, with one change:

She's thought long and hard about this , most likely, and a speech isn't going to change anything.

[BeginningAgain]

I also agree with CTH. Making this speech (even thinking about making it) is a cheeseless tunnel. Don't do it. Spend your time on more positive things - i.e. self improvement, doing things that make you happy - that you enjoy.

Best,

BA