Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

[james217]

what huge things? handing her back the POA? I really don't even want to see her right now. Well I do but I want to see my W. not this person who seems like they just get thrills out of hurting me. I wish I could just ask her why. What does she get out of it?

When did anybody tell you to "hand her back the POA"? Nobody suggested anything of the sort. What was suggested to you was to give her a CHOICE. Either enter into treatment OR you will release the duties of the POA to somebody else as you no longer will sit around watching her further self destruct. It gives her a choice and sets a clear boundary. Do you not read what it posted to you? When I made the suggestion I also clearly spelled out why you should do that.

What your W "gets out of this" is continued control and manipulation of you. But that was spelled out to you as well.


I honestly don't think she gives a flying flip most of the time because if she did she wouldn't treat me this way.

You are correct. If she truly wanted to rebuild her life, your marriage and get the children back she would be treating herself and you in a much different way. Right now she wants to have her cake and eat it to. You have set no boundaries with her and she has experienced no consequences.

Love never has and never will conquer all. You and your wife both seem to have a very childish view on what love should be and how to sustain it and allow it to grow.

ok i get the poa thing. i get the other stuff as well.

I mean you know what I mean about love conquering all. You still have to do the work. You still have to try. nobody is going to be perfect. I don't expect her to be. But she expects me to be.

I honestly believe you have to w ork at your M and on yourself each day. That's why I wanted us to make individual and family goal lists. She agreed just never followed through.

*little light bulb clicks on*

I think I get it. I've been taking crap behaviour and she's not going to change it unless I do a 180 and stop it.

If she does not change it after I 180 then there's nothing I can do.

But if I keep catering to her and not setting boundaries for myself letting her know what I will or will not stand for and sticking to them she will never change her behaviour because she knows she doesn't have to.

She can just keep running over me, guilting me, and manipulating me, and using reverse psychology to get her way knowing that I'm going to continue to put up with it.

I do believe the past two months were very very imporant though. I think I may have started something in a positive direction.

Beforehand she wasn't even talking to me or seeing me. Obviously she still cares because she came to the hospital and we go out and we ML. The thing to find out now is that enough?

I shown her enough love. I've helped in every way possible. I've been there for her. Now I need to draw my line in the sand.

She's too freaking comfortable. I've helped her be that way. I indirectly and directly enable her behaviour because I keep doing what she expects me to do which is this.

She told me she knows I won't leave her. She knows I’m going to always be there for her no matter what. She doesn’t even really take me seriously after awhile of her crying. She just keeps saying she knows I won’t leave her ever. I will always be there for her to love and care about her. That I will always be her friend and there to talk to her when she needs me.

And that, right there, James . . . is your problem.

So long as that's how she feels, you'll be stuck.

You can't even go 48 HOURS without contacting her; how will you ever be able to convince her otherwise??

Puppy

here's a story my grandmother told me about how she was married so long to my grandfather before he died.

a M is like a garden. You have to tend to it daily. You have to show it love. You have to nurture and care for it. When we weeds (problems) come about you have to be willing to face them hands on even if you get stuck by a thorn and get hurt. You have to keep the gophers (obstacles such at temptation from other people, family, and friends who are causing problems) off your property and out of your garden. A real garden does not consisten of just one type of flower or vegetable. You plant seeds (positive actions, memories, accomplishments) and either help them grow (by working on them) or they die. If too many seeds die or you neglect your garden it becomes overrum with those gophers or weeds and it dies.

She was married over 60 years before my grandfather (a preacher) died.

Well I know what I have to do I think. The fear of losing her is actually keeping me from her.

It causes me to cater to everything. She feels like she can keep it this way and cake eat because I'm enabling it.

If I stop enabling it then I can change her behaviour because my enabling behaviour is gone.

Why would she change that behaviour if she's getting everything she wants by staying gone with me helping her every chance she gets? She hasn't had to deal with the consequences of dealing with things or going through stuff by herself.

She expects me to rescue her whenever she gets into a jam. So that's not making her be responsible.

She expects me to tolerate her former P.A. or E.A's.

She expects me to tolerate her giving me time whenever she wants it settling for crumbs.

LOL I had the weirdest dream when I went to sleep earlier. I woke up pretty much understanding what I need to do.

Let me know if I'm on the right track.