SR - went through this once before in '03, it didn't last long and didn't go very far before we reconciled. Seemed like the end of the world at the time, little did I know...
The nun thing? I don't know, I'm kind of indifferent.
What she says now is, she doesn't want a relationship, she wants to stand on her own. Circumstance or choice for her, since OM walked away? Don't know. The truth is, she's moving forward, and it's likely that sooner or later she'll have a relationship. She's already had one. For that matter, I had a brief one too (which still has a number of loose ends).
There's a line from an obsure song that kind of describes it: "Our little indiscretions are just spittle in the sea..." There's really a bigger picture at this point. (Works Progress Administration, "Always Have My Love", for anyone looking for new music to listen to... members from Nickel Creek, Toad the Wet Sprocket, and others)
But... the whole OM thing still throws me around the bend if I let it, so I guess it's a little reprieve from the immediacy of it, but to be honest the important thing here is that I need to progress to a place where it doesn't matter to me at all.
Does she want to be more than just a friendly ex? Well, I've said this before, STBXW lacks consistancy. And I know that she has strong sexual urges. And I know that she is still attracted to me (she's said this). And she's suggested at different times a - how would you put this - a "with benefits" kind of situation. For that matter, we've put that into practice once or twice. Not that I think that's what she would really choose except in moments of weakness.
And what do I think about that? Well, welcome to the land of the unhealthy, head-screwing insanity that I want to get away from. Not planning on it.
I think Bill may, maybe, be right, there might be some path to a reconstructed new relationship, if the planets aligned. But right now I think it's a poisoned well that could knock me on my butt again. I'm BETTER now than I have been. I think I want that more.
So, the four of us went to a school fund raiser thing tonight, "Luau night" - the boys had a good time, and I watched her be her, knowing we're not together. It's getting less painful, it's not really even hard anymore, but the hole, the something's missing, is still pretty big. We came back to the house, and they packed up to go, kids with her this weekend.
And I said to her, not in a mean way, just matter-of-factly (and we've kind of developed an understanding with each other for these kind of moments) "I hate you for this." And she asked me to let her know if I'm going to join them tomorrow night for a local "astronomy night."
