My Wife And Her Emotional Affair

[WhatNow]

Ken, maybe this excerpt will help. It is from
midlife crisis marriage advocate com.

Because as a pursuer you want to share your feelings and want others to share their feelings in reciprocation. You believe in a direct approach to your relationship problems and are impatient to achieve it. Pursuers are thus motivated to initiate change and it may seem to you (and to others) that you are the only person making an effort to work on your marriage--or other relationships. Distancers are avoiders and are motivated toward change only when the pursuer changes the dynamics--they can become or seem like Cake-eaters. As a Pursuer you feel responsible and thus you make it all about you, or it’s all yours to solve. Pursuers may seem controlling and manipulative to Distancers.

"Pursuers initiate action to realize change, whereas Distancers are either content or complacent and lack the motivation to change. It is not that a Distancer would not like change, but as avoiders they would rather live with present difficult conditions than risk the difficulty of the process of change even when there is a high probability for positive improvement. They want the rewards without doing the work. And why not? As the Pursuer, you are already doing the work, so the Distancer doesn’t need to do anything. If you are pursuing your MLCer, you are not providing a motivation for her to change. This is a relationship dynamic that may not be present outside of the marital relationship.

To experienced Standers it may seem as though you do not believe their insight and advice regarding MLC in general or which of your actions will be most detrimental versus most beneficial. But if your natural tendency is pursuit, the problem is not one of disbelief or doubt. Pursuit is your habit, your comfort zone and an addiction. You don’t know how to not pursue. You have to relearn the fundamentals of the dance. Distancing is something you will learn through awareness of your behaviors and practice.

When trapped in the pursuit and distance dance you will proceed in the opposite direction from that which you desire. This will seem to you as though you are failing in your actions and your natural tendency may have been to do the same things, but with greater effort--pursue more. As you give more and more your MLCer feels as though you are pestering him and thus he gives less and less in return effort which makes you feel even more responsible for saving your relationship. Your pursuit reinforces his belief that you and the marriage are the problem and he is not. While you pursue, he will thus lack motivation to look internally for causes and resolutions to his unhappiness and problems; your pursuit enables him to remain in denial."