6 MONTHS IN AND FEELING A WOBBLE........

[HeartsBlessing]

The OW is 43, never been married, no children and was made redundant from her job last May. My husband's best friend told me she looks like my husband's Mum (who died when he was 15). Throughout last year my husband seemed to go back to this time in his life - musically, behaviour and the people he hung around with (I hate face book). I said last year iit was like he was going back to a time when he didn't know me and was happy i.e. couldn't be happy around the time his Mum died - couldn't be after 25 as we'd been together that long and she sat squarely in the middle of that time

Interesting. The OW is almost your husband's age and bears a resemblance to his mother who passed away when he was 15...Hmmmm.

Well, it has been said that some OWs represent an attachment that was never broken with the MLC'er's Mom. It having gone to a PA, may have changed things a bit, and possibly shook some things up with him.

From what I understood from all that time ago, along with some bits and pieces he'd said about her, my husband's OW was the opposite of ME, acted and even SOUNDED like his mom..weird, but true...I'd heard her voice on the phone when he'd called her once long after the affair was finished, claiming he'd "found" her number in his little phone book. She acted like she didn't know him, but she did. I never said a word, so neither knew I was there.
She had been connected with his work, so I only knew her name, and knew what she was saying was a bunch of baloney.

Anyway, I was nothing like his mom, so the recreation of that parental attachment couldn't be done with me...and so, she took that place. She was his age, and I honestly do not know anything else about her except for the fact she was red-headed(dye job), and for some crazy reason liked to wear wigs..

The Replay of times past can be worked out in some very weird ways, if the MLC'er did not make the proper break from his Mother when grown.

I was floored when I figured that one out; and it took me awhile to do so. I was disgusted, to say the least, and for that reason alone, he nearly got left in a literal sense (again).
I contemplated leaving him quite a few times all during his MLC, but never did. I couldn't ever answer the "What if" questions to my own satisfaction...and just HAD to see what happened next.
Curiosity nearly killed this cat; at least in an emotional sense.
But I didn't fall over and die..I just kept on keeping on, all the while praying that I didn't kill him before it was over with for all he'd done to himself, his marriage, and me, his spouse.

It's like the ripple effect, drop a stone in the water, and it creates ripples that are far reaching; entire families are rocked as a result of the running, deception, and irresponsibility that goes on in this.

Don't think for one minute he has no idea of what he's doing; he does. MLC or not, everyone has choices that are made, and stupid ones are made every day. The moral code within is screaming loud and clear that they are making a mistake, and it's being ignored. Their consciences are tormenting them..the reason for the "fog" and "confusion" that is suffered, besides the fact the hormones are mostly out of whack, and low or non-existent.

I walked that road for 6 years myself, and I was AWARE of everything that went on; things that were said, temptations that were placed before me. I didn't do anything wrong, but it didn't mean I didn't want to.
I'm not such a great person, but the moral code I was raised with was holding me firmly; even when I was so confused I couldn't hear myself think at times.

The strangest thing was I could not remember ONE thing I had written in my time here, and the only thing I could remember was that to get out, I had to FACE EVERYTHING; not in part, but in WHOLE. Seemed like the only thing I COULD remember while within that time.

I not only had to face what I was facing while in the tunnel myself, but I also had to process AGAIN; what he'd done to me...and revenge sounded good...but it would have been WRONG.

When you "get someone back"..you are just as wrong as they are..and it can backfire in a bad way on YOU.

A clear conscience is something you cannot buy back once you've soiled it.

The rejected and alone times are for us to contemplate ourselves, take our journeys to wholeness, and it is NOT a time to think about the next relationship, should that happen.

Believe me, I have been there, faced that question...and when I was standing for my marriage, the idea of dating or getting someone else would have been a wrong thing for me to do.

The guilt alone would have been unbearable, as I had marriage vows that I had NOT broken,(and still not broken to this day) even though he'd broken his, and betrayed not only his marriage, but HIMSELF.

Anyhow, I digress;

I was just amazed reading the above quoted, and have read this same type situation several times in years past.

As time rocked on, I had to heal from every aspect of his MLC, all the way down to stopping my mind from running 90 to 100 miles an hour...I literally "purged" the experience, and shocked more than a few people, as they'd had NO idea of what I'd endured; although I will say, what I endured was not as hard as some.

But it was STILL hard enough to let time do it's job, as I had to process what happened as it happened.

It took me nearly two years to reach forgiveness, and begin to heal. Yet, I did it in parts and pieces as it went along, still walking my own road to wholeness, even as he came along slowly but surely.

The biggest hurdle for me was not only the forgiveness, but ACCEPTANCE of all that had happened..only when I had accepted that it happen, could I begin to heal and forgive.

You may get past denial, anger and the bargaining stages of this...but being able to accept, forgive and heal, takes a great deal of strength, and these last three are the most important parts of this whether the marriage comes back together or not.

Through this process, my memories were dimmed, clouded, taken away, although some came back when I was going through The Change..yet so much was forgotten by me.

Eventually, you WILL get there, regardless of what happens.