I honeslty wouldn't HELP her, I would just tell her she's not welcome there anymore...
If YOU PACK or get involved in any way she will just tell everyone that you THREW her out.
If you confront her and she refuses to end her affair... then SHE is choosing to leave the home...
Its a VERY important line you need to draw here Ken.. SHE needs to accept the choice of leaving or ending her affair...
BY refusing to stop calling him, she is making her choice.. YOU need to accept that and ensure she exits the home at this point.
First thing you do Ken is lock up the finances.. she WILL take advantage of them if you make her available to them.
Second... start packing up her things... Tell her she is making her choice and if she doens't want to be part of this home anymore then she must LEAVE.
Ken, I honeslty don't think it will go that far.. you have kids right? I can't see it going that far... she just needs to start seeing you dismantle the home and she worrying over finances and being apart from her children.. I think that shock will likely get her to commit to a No Contact agreement with full transparency.
WARNING : Do NOT pursue this without a Family Therapist negotiating. Make sure that you don't just take her back because she yet promises AGAIN not to call him... if you take her back blanket like that she will KNOW you were BLUFFING...
You need to SHOW her you are SERIOUS.. I think if you do show her you are serious by packing up the home and doing everything to oust HER from the home and away from her kids she will agree to see a FT and commit to a No Contact agreement with the Therapist...
I do NOT reccomend you try to negotiate that one - on - one with her... she has to commit to a THERAPIST too... YOU aren't enough.. she is remorseless about this Ken... do not take her back wtihout her commiting to a FT as well
I would have a serious talk with his guy IN PUBLIC yet AGAIN
I honeslty wouldn't HELP her, I would just tell her she's not welcome there anymore...
If YOU PACK or get involved in any way she will just tell everyone that you THREW her out.
Then you said:
Originally Posted By: Allen A
Second... start packing up her things...
Is this a contradiction? I know you don't mean it to be. So do I or don't I help her pack?
We do have kids...we have two cute little girls. I want to do this right. Thank you for your suggestions about finances and the FT. I don't know if I can get her to go to a FT at this point, but I can ask her. I agree with you that she is making her choice. I really feel like I can't live like this anymore. I am so disappointed in the way things are turning out, but I don't know what else to do at this point.
Do I ask her to find herself an apartment? I'm guessing the answer is 'yes'. I probably should wait till a business day so I can fix my bank account first.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Don't ask her for ANYTHING other than get out! She has told you she has no intention of ending it w/OM!
Get her luggage out. Bring home some boxes, and hand her a newspaper. NO MORE TALK! she knows you want her to choose! If you keep banging your gums she will run. Stop giving her a drama fix! If you can control your mouth, I think you will be successful.
If she says she wants to stay, That is when you bring up a FT.
BTW, do you see what happened? You made your statement last night. Instead of shutting up about A & M, you got on her about the phone. You pursued. You forced her away. She needs time to process these things.
Ken, I apologize for being so rough. I feel like I am dealing with my little brother here with you. (and puppy has already pointed out that I am being mean today...yikes) It is also personal for me. I wish someone would have handed me duct tape for my mouth a while back. I would not be where I am now. Stop feeding the romance! she sees you as the bad guy standing in the way of her happiness, so stop giving her that.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
I guess don't say nothing. She does seem to be rebelling, there is not much you can say or do, positive or negative it will push her to OM.
You can lay back and break up the affair though. We've all been in this position and it sucks, its demasculating. You know the OM is feeling very manly having his way with YOUR wife. Each time incrimentally helping him out, and hurting you.
The wife see's it as this is what she wants to do.
What to do if this is the situation? The thing that appears to have been working is "bursting the affair".
Getting your wife back at this stage is not going to be easy at all, and you like the rest of us see it happens very quickly.
You can be as loving and dedicated as you want, and they will cheat you. Throw you away.
Ken, maybe this excerpt will help. It is from midlife crisis marriage advocate com.
Because as a pursuer you want to share your feelings and want others to share their feelings in reciprocation. You believe in a direct approach to your relationship problems and are impatient to achieve it. Pursuers are thus motivated to initiate change and it may seem to you (and to others) that you are the only person making an effort to work on your marriage--or other relationships. Distancers are avoiders and are motivated toward change only when the pursuer changes the dynamics--they can become or seem like Cake-eaters. As a Pursuer you feel responsible and thus you make it all about you, or it’s all yours to solve. Pursuers may seem controlling and manipulative to Distancers.
"Pursuers initiate action to realize change, whereas Distancers are either content or complacent and lack the motivation to change. It is not that a Distancer would not like change, but as avoiders they would rather live with present difficult conditions than risk the difficulty of the process of change even when there is a high probability for positive improvement. They want the rewards without doing the work. And why not? As the Pursuer, you are already doing the work, so the Distancer doesn’t need to do anything. If you are pursuing your MLCer, you are not providing a motivation for her to change. This is a relationship dynamic that may not be present outside of the marital relationship.
To experienced Standers it may seem as though you do not believe their insight and advice regarding MLC in general or which of your actions will be most detrimental versus most beneficial. But if your natural tendency is pursuit, the problem is not one of disbelief or doubt. Pursuit is your habit, your comfort zone and an addiction. You don’t know how to not pursue. You have to relearn the fundamentals of the dance. Distancing is something you will learn through awareness of your behaviors and practice.
When trapped in the pursuit and distance dance you will proceed in the opposite direction from that which you desire. This will seem to you as though you are failing in your actions and your natural tendency may have been to do the same things, but with greater effort--pursue more. As you give more and more your MLCer feels as though you are pestering him and thus he gives less and less in return effort which makes you feel even more responsible for saving your relationship. Your pursuit reinforces his belief that you and the marriage are the problem and he is not. While you pursue, he will thus lack motivation to look internally for causes and resolutions to his unhappiness and problems; your pursuit enables him to remain in denial."
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
This is my plan for this morning. I'm going to get out some luggage for my wife. I'm also going to get out my three year old's Princess soccer ball that she ran over the day after I bought it and say, "Here you can pack this too if you want. This represents what you are doing to your whole family." How does that sound?
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Don't ask her for ANYTHING other than get out! Get her luggage out. Bring home some boxes, and hand her a newspaper. NO MORE TALK! she knows you want her to choose! If you keep banging your gums she will run. Stop giving her a drama fix! If you can control your mouth, I think you will be successful.
Hi Ken, ya, I would go wtih WhatNow here... the important point is to make it clear when you do this that SHE is making a choice... and that you want her to make a commitment to her marriage... It has to be clear when she exists this is what SHE chose...
I didn't get a chance to do my plan this morning. My wife knew that I was going to do something today because I told her last night that I'd find some luggage for her in the morning. So this morning, she got dressed up and left to go see the OM. They have been together for a couple of hours now. How should I respond when she gets home?
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
