Do you really want a year of hard R work, then back to the same-old? Think carefully about whether you think H is capable, ready, and willing even if he does show interest.
If H wanted to he could and would do the work, but I don't see motivation being there at this point. If he was willing to piece, I would be willing to try...because it's our family at stake. I have a responsibility to the children.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Oh Flo... I have TONS of hope for you! I just don't see much changing with your H right now or in the near future. Not because I don't want you to have a happy marriage but his actions are very clear.
FM- I agree with Gno. Even before you posted your feedback from Gno- I have been bothered by the "V" issue. It really seems like there is something going on.
I am a weird one. What I would do is state- "you know- I think I might possibly be ok with you dating someone, as long as it is not "V" and see his reaction. I would make sure to be facing him and free of distractions. If he asked why not V, I would state I have my reasons. With no further elaborations. Or to really mess with him. I might say I heard "V" is dating someone. Maybe add in someone who people think is a jerk (lol) or maybe some madeup guy (just to mess with him) I just think it would be interesting to gauge him by his response. And if you could be as bold enough. Later in the conversation or maybe a few days later. You could say a simple. "I know, I know what you are doing". And if asked state I am not as dumb as you think I am. Again gauging his reaction. Refuse to elaborate and walk away.
OK, I know so very, very anti-DB! I know. I don't think most people would ever do such a thing. I would though. I can't deal with secrecy and deception.
Here is the thing- I don't know how you can make decisions and DB,etc if you do not know if there is an active A. To be informed of what is really going on would help you greatly either- detach and D or know what you are up against if you DB.
Lastly, I see post after post on here of a spouse who has basically decided their life and happiness is way more important that that of their children. And quite honestly- it p*sses me off. I want to tell everyone on the message boards. Yes- A, etc are forgivable but when a spouse disregards the importance of an intact family and are willing to be part time parents. I understand going crazy for a bit and then coming to their senses, but to pursue the path of D when a spouse is willing to do whatever it takes to save a marriage, well...... Our children are everything! It is the most important part of our existance. Why would a person be willing to be part time parents voluntarily?
Oh yeah, one more thing- the cleaning comment- grrr.....esp. after you mentioned he was always a slopped who never cleaned and always complained that the house needed to be cleaner.
Sorry to be so negative about everything today. I just have the urge to cross the border and give him a kick in the butt-lol!
Are you going to pursue the psychologist plan for the coparenting?
Last edited by june72; 04/24/1001:50 AM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Do you really want a year of hard R work, then back to the same-old? Think carefully about whether you think H is capable, ready, and willing even if he does show interest.
If H wanted to he could and would do the work, but I don't see motivation being there at this point. If he was willing to piece, I would be willing to try...because it's our family at stake. I have a responsibility to the children.
Wow, we cross posted and you stated exactly what I feel about the importance of our childrens' lives
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Are you going to pursue the psychologist plan for the coparenting?
Yes, when I'm ready to push for the coparenting plan, we will do it with the help of a psychologist (we've already basically agreed to that) and I will push for the one who has experience with autism who I saw recently.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Hi FM...kinda skimming here the last few posts and it looks like your thread will be one I will keep coming to to see your strenght growing and for my own inspiration!!!! I think you are doing great!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
FM even by just doing those tasks on your list, it will change things for you before you decide to "drop the rope."
3 months is too soon to know anything about H but you can have your own timeline for you- you know? WHat YOU want to do next.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Had a good night out. Community meal with neighbours was nice - amazing Indian food. I've really withdrawn recently so it felt good to reconnect a bit.
Then went to great orchestra concert. Composer is the infamous ex-lover-who-invited-me-to-jazz-club. Got to chat with him and his wife and daughters . Strictly friends
Bracing myself for parent visit. I love them dearly. It's very hard to handle with the kids though. Adults talking is a trigger for challenging behaviours <sigh> and I won't have H to do any buffering. Mom and my children have had some challenging interactions in the past -- she is very triggered by them and a negative incident can spiral into a big thing. Standard garden variety family-of-origin stuff. My mother is a gifted artist. My stepfather is retired, but now writes. They are both interesting, dynamic people who could teach me a thing or two about GAL. I'm looking forward to seeing them, but worried that less solitude will add to my stress.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
