flowmom, dont even think about it!! Get a cleaning lady, have her do the first couple of weeks, get your house back in order and then consider if you still want to keep her or not. This is NO time for thinking money or H. This is time for you, taking care of you, pampering you etc etc. Please be a little selfish. K
I pursued him for years and he rejected me for years. I was distressed for years. He can divorce me but I want my dignity...I don't want to be the pathetic ex who couldn't get over losing God's Gift to Womankind.
And with this, Gardener physically stands up from his desk and applauds flowmom with a standing O!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Don't ask anyone to intervene or not intervene. Don't apologize to H that they did. If he brings it up: Sounds tough that someone made you uncomfortable. And I have no control over anyone's actions or choices. His or yours. People are goign to have opinions. etc. That's part of this whole situation that is going on...
I guess I'm saying don't take it upon yourself to clean that mess up. You didn't start it. Don't protect him from public consequences of his behavior and choices.
The fact is a lot of people are ALWAYS going to think you're an abandoner and an a-hole for leaving your kids or refusing to work on your R. How can you or why should you protect him from people's opinions? Other men will think things like "that's what you get for getting married in the first place, sucker." You can't control other people's opinions from either side of the spectrum or what they say to your H about it. His guys at work saying all their exes are trying to drain them dry financially or whatever is just the flipside of the same coin. Detach from that mess either way.
Get a cleaning lady, have her do the first couple of weeks, get your house back in order and then consider if you still want to keep her or not. This is NO time for thinking money or H. This is time for you, taking care of you, pampering you etc etc. Please be a little selfish.
Thanks for the suggestion Kalni. Maybe that is a good idea. But I won't involve H in it. It would feel really good to get on top of it.
Originally Posted By: Gardener
And with this, Gardener physically stands up from his desk and applauds flowmom with a standing O!
Thanks Gardener. I got a bit fired up writing that.
Originally Posted By: rr22
Don't ask anyone to intervene or not intervene. Don't apologize to H that they did. If he brings it up: Sounds tough that someone made you uncomfortable.
OK, I think I'll do that. I was worried that H would think it was something that I engineered, but this guy would be an unlikely choice for that so hopefully H will realize that the guy is acting on his own impulses.
Interestingly, the other day a wife from the fire hall phoned and left a message asking how I'm doing. She and her H were at our wedding. I haven't been involved much in the firehall social life (due to kids), but she is the only person from the entire fire department who has contacted me since the separation.
Last edited by flowmom; 04/23/1003:11 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Gnosis still thinks that H is in an A with "V", is totally done with our M, and that I don't have a lot to work with here. I agree. In the 3 months since our last R talk, H has been totally consistent with me. No hint of doubt, confusion, second thoughts, or anything from him. No interest in me, no spending time as a family, nada. By asking my BFF about how I'd react to him dating, he's as much as told me his intentions. I don't think that I've seen any sitches where the WAS has been so clear and consistent from day 1 after the separation.
Gnosis suggests that I have 2 options:
#1: wait out the A and whatever else H has going on in case he wants to come back (could easily be 2 years). Accept being option B or C or D.
or
#2: drop the rope. tell H that I don't want to be with someone who treats me like sh!t. Ask to get the ball rolling on the coparenting plan, ask him to remove the remainder of the little stuff he has left here by X date, create whatever crisis I can for him by clearly being ready for D.
I haven't decided what to do, but I think I need to start preparing for D because that will likely happen whatever I choose.
These are the things that I need to do:
- read some coparenting books - do the paperwork for the L - overcome procrastination and start regularly doing billable work - figure out a budget - envision a life for myself where I am happy and fulfilled as a divorced mother - if I can't accomplish the above, work on stuck areas in IC
I still feel somewhat detached, but there's also some anger creeping in. F--- him. The rejection has gone on for years and I'm sick of being treated like someone who is not worthy of love and respect. I'm going to have to watch myself because the anger will make it harder to stick to my DB behaviour code. I still want to do that because it's a dignity thing and for the future of coparenting together.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I agree. I have long thought your H was up to *something* and was on the divorce track without deviation when he felt you were ready. And my WAS was equally (if not more) staunch with his intentions from day 1 and now, 24 months later he is living with OW.
I would certainly tell him his stuff needs to be out by next week, you would like to have his co-parenting plan by xx date and let him know you have begun to pursue what you need to pursue to protect yourself and the children. I would also tell him you will be working with a psych to fine tune the post divorce co-parenting plan and he is welcome to join you if he likes. If he asks why now I would be brief and upfront and let him know that you no longer care to be married to somebody that treats you poorly.
Honestly, I wouldn't expect your H too feel too much of a crises. This is what he has asked for and wanted all along. The only small bit of crises he might feel is you striking first which I am sure was not in his WAS plan. Otherwise I really do not feel it will strike him as critical unless his finances will be greatly altered.
Thanks CG. I know you've seen a lot in this forum so I value your opinion even if I wish that there was room for hope here.
I'm not ready to drop the rope yet...but I'm getting there. Want to do those tasks first and be emotionally ready. I have a timeline in mind but I know better than to post it.
I'm not expecting to provoke any big crisis in H...it's a last ditch effort to briefly turn the tables on him and put him in react mode.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I still feel somewhat detached, but there's also some anger creeping in. F--- him. The rejection has gone on for years and I'm sick of being treated like someone who is not worthy of love and respect. I'm going to have to watch myself because the anger will make it harder to stick to my DB behaviour code. I still want to do that because it's a dignity thing and for the future of coparenting together.
Yes, yes, and yes. If you do the math on how long it's been that he's been at least distant and rejecting, you are bound to get even angrier. It's good to ask yourself whether your odd are great of returning to an R in which he acts like that. Do you really want a year of hard R work, then back to the same-old? Think carefully about whether you think H is capable, ready, and willing even if he does show interest.
You said there were already some years like this at the beginning of your R, so I think whether this is just in his personality really bears considering at this point.
