Mila and TF, I found this quote by Snodderly in the Archives and thought maybe it was relevant for your sitches.
Quote:
The final reconnection process is a delicate ritual that requires much patience and understanding. It's almost like finding a lost kitten and dropping pieces of food down for him to come to your hand. The mlcer is very much the skittish kitten in the end and must be dealt w/in a gentle manner, if you want the reconnection to occur.
Mila and TF - Pay close attention to that quote girls, and I'll tell you why. I found that right after reading the last post on Mila's thread. I went to click out of the board and instead of going to my home screen it went into the Archives directly to that page. It was very strange as I wasn't in the Archives previously in this session.
HB thank you again for you wisdom. I see so much of my H in what you are describing.
Besides the memory/concentration issues I did notice that he looses track of dates (forgetting daughters Saint's day celebration, mixes up D's activities schedules etc) although it seems to be little better lately.
And he sees me as the stronger one, he even said so. "You are amazing how you handle all of this"
When he is at his lowest he seems to come to me, this was happening throughout his affair as well.
I'm worried about him now that he seems to be really bottoming out, but I guess that had to come in order for him to start climbing out.
Today he called just before I drove D to her activity. Asked if he can come with us that he would like to watch. I picked him up, but I had plans to go shopping while she had her practice, so I just dropped them off and left (in the past I would change my plans and stayed so I can be with him). Also as we drove there D asked H why did he want to come, it's just a practice. He said that he needed to get out of his apartment, that he felt claustrophobic.
He also asked daughter & her BF to come and watch hockey at his place later, but D declined said that they already have plans. He tried to change her mind about 3 times. Did not include me in the invitation...I would have watched with him. Oh well, he's not ready to socialize with me yet I guess.
He did ask me to pick up some groceries for him since I was already going shopping. That I'm good for...lol.
Staying on my path and observing
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
SA - Thank you so much for that quote. Love it...I sure see the wisdom in it. I can't believe how you found it...it was meant to be. BTW I love animals, especially cats and my mom always complained that if I could that I would bring home every stray kitten. Well here is my chance to bring one home lol
TF you made me laugh....Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.:)
TF -
Quote:
I have seen my H crash really hard probably 2-3 times in the past few months. It is so incredibly hard to watch and scary, especially since you can do nothing
It is scary, I even had thoughts like "I hope that he won't do anything to himself" cross my mind. So I'm watching closely, not interfering but watching.
Last edited by Mila; 04/24/1012:12 PM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I'm worried about him now that he seems to be really bottoming out, but I guess that had to come in order for him to start climbing out.
It is the only way..as the only way out is UP, and THEY have to figure this out.
Not to scare you or anyone else, but from quite a few of the articles I read and what I experienced while going through myself, when the bottoming out occurs..SOMETIMES..suicide can be a temptation or looked at as an "easy way out".
The pressure, when bottomed out, is intense..and I can attest to that fact; I faced that same thing when I went through The Change/Emotional Transition, and though I crawled back to the top, it was HARD to do. It seemed to be so much easier to just lay down and give up.
It was a different bottoming out from the time I'd busted my husband in his affair...WAY DIFFERENT.
When you hit rock bottom during the transition/change, the feeling of failure is so intense, you actually WANT to die...you're seeing all that you've failed at, and nothing positive comes to your mind. (I'm describing this in third person, as I sometimes slip into that when doing descriptions, yet, I'm doing it from my own memory of that time). Negative thoughts and feelings come and go, and the pressure mounts heavily...and thoughts of death look good to you.
Somehow, though, you will find the strength to start coming back, climbing up as the only way out IS upward and onward. The strength doesn't come from any one person, it comes from within YOU; and YOU are the ONLY one who can overcome this deep well of despair.
It's scary to go through that; I actually scared myself several times with some of the dark thoughts I harbored within, hating myself what I'd done wrong in my life....I actually hadn't REALLY done anything wrong, BUT, my whole life was there before me and every mistake was magnified times 10, and sometimes times 100...
Things looked SO much worse than they really were, and the only person I talked to at that time was our son. For everything positive he said, I had something negative to counter it.
He never gave up on me, though..interesting to note, it wasn't my husband who helped me through this...I wasn't interested in what he had to say..and it wasn't on purpose. The only time I spoke to him was when I NEEDED him..and I know, that's sad, but that's how it was.
Basically, if I remember it right, the bottoming out is "dying to oneself"..part of the process to begin to "become" what you were meant to be. You're weakened greatly by this particular part of the process; as while you're going through, you're "dying" by degrees. An emotional "death" comes at the bottoming out time, leaving a shell for a period of time. More changes occur, then you start climbing out, or do the alternative.
Once the climbing out of the pit is done, then the rebuilding begins...depression continues to always be present, but the withdrawal stage is important to help begin to rebuild the body as well as the mind. It takes SO much out of one to go through this particular part of the process.
I slept alot after I went into Withdrawal.. when it counted, I had to make myself continue to function, but was SO tired all the time, and I ached all over.
My husband represented RESPONSIBILITY..and I did NOT want that in my life at that point, and for a long time after I climbed my way out of the pit of despair.
But decisions were eventually made within me, and my husband waited and watched, and was scared...his fear of what might happen stayed until I broke Withdrawal had a breakdown and talked to him.
My memories of that time come and go. At times I remember some things, at other times I remember other things.
People ask questions, and it will bring back memories, but not in a bad way.
Every one of us who goes through the tunnel has these feelings, desires and wants for something different. It is also a time of introspection, and seeing what's been accomplished, what's to come if we continue a certain path.....also dealing with our failures, childhood wounds, things we didn't finish, attempting to "fix" ourselves to get ready for the second half of our life.
It took ME six long years to come through. So, I ALREADY knew for a fact that the approximated time lines I posted so long ago, did NOT apply.
The quickest way out, is to do the honest FACING of ourselves and heal our wounds..the SAME journey the LBS must take to wholeness.
Where the MLC'er will make a mess is by looking at OUTSIDE influences to blame for his/her discomfort within the emotional pain that is being experienced. If ALL would look within and start there in the beginning, the journey to the end wouldn't be as hard as some do make it.
I do not know where I would have ended up if I'd hadn't known about MLC/transitional growth BEFORE I went through. Knowledge is truly power, but depending upon the wounds suffered throughout childhood/life, it still can be difficult..it was for me, as I had MANY more childhood wounds that hadn't been gotten to during my husband's MLC...those didn't "fit", if you will with what I had to learn...and what was left was faced afterward.
Regardless of what I'd learned through my husband's MLC, I STILL had to go through the transition/change MYSELF...so, no one really escapes it..for some, it's a breeze, for others it's very difficult...but this stage has to be passed through, and it's the HARDEST of all life stages to navigate.
Wisdom is gained by living, knowledge is gained by research..and these things I attempt to pass on to whoever will listen, depending upon what they are facing.
I'm tired this evening, believe I will jump off the soap box for awhile.
I think he's going to be all right, Mila, what you're seeing is scary, but I don't believe he will do anything rash. Encourage your children to connect with him; obviously he's trying to do so with your D..and that's more important than you know.
You are all in my prayers.
Much love and hugs, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
My H bottoming out was truly frighteneing for me standing by and watching.
During this time he was so depressed, angry and blamed everything for his position but as time went on he withdrew into his self even when with the children. I saw many times how he would move off to the mother ship for ages with no acknowledgement of his surroundings etc. He felt and looked as if everything was hopeless. He even said what is the point of going on. That H could stop it by crashing his car. I told him it solved nothing as a lot of people would be devastated by this way to deal with it. I also believe that he trashed a flat we own which is currently empty. I believe his alcohol consumption went through the roof.
His withdrawal was physical for a short while but now he hides in his work.
His depression is still present but much less. As you know from my thread after bottoming out I began to see positive steps towards us as a family.
This was the hardest part of MLC I have yet to watch as we can't help as they have to face their issues and then start to deal with them themselves. It is a major part of their journey and way back from the fantasy land they live in.
