My WAW - Chat/Text Msg affair with her ex

[TrentC]

OK, I did it. I blocked this guys number through ATT's Smart Limits feature. I'm sure she will know what's up and it will turn into a confrontational argument, but I don't want it to go there. I would like to calmly explain to her that I don't want this guy in our lives dictating the outcome of our of our family. She thinks I'm controlling her and it makes her resent me even more, but I'm not trying to control her I just don't want her talking to her ex.

I hate to break it to you, but that's controlling behavior.

She has the right to associate with who she wants, and you have the right to make decisions based on that. That's not what you did.

That's where PDT was going with the whole "controlling behavior" vs. "setting boundaries" post. It was even in his examples!

The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."

Example:
"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY

You need to sloooooow down and think about what you need to do. It was 5 hours ago that you were debating blocking his phone number until you did it. If you are going to do something that you're pretty sure is going to provoke an argument or cause the R to deteriorate, I would wait at least 24 to 48 hours before taking action. (This does not apply to things like protecting yourself from emergency spending sprees, taking money, her packing her bags and moving out, etc.)

Every rash decision you make right now is something that you are going to have to answer for on the other side. Because if you are really hoping to make the marriage work out, you both are going to have to do a lot of soul-searching and answer for what you have done.