embracing change

[flowmom]

Got some input from Gnosis this morning.

Gnosis still thinks that H is in an A with "V", is totally done with our M, and that I don't have a lot to work with here. I agree. In the 3 months since our last R talk, H has been totally consistent with me. No hint of doubt, confusion, second thoughts, or anything from him. No interest in me, no spending time as a family, nada. By asking my BFF about how I'd react to him dating, he's as much as told me his intentions. I don't think that I've seen any sitches where the WAS has been so clear and consistent from day 1 after the separation.

Gnosis suggests that I have 2 options:

#1: wait out the A and whatever else H has going on in case he wants to come back (could easily be 2 years). Accept being option B or C or D.

or

#2: drop the rope. tell H that I don't want to be with someone who treats me like sh!t. Ask to get the ball rolling on the coparenting plan, ask him to remove the remainder of the little stuff he has left here by X date, create whatever crisis I can for him by clearly being ready for D.

I haven't decided what to do, but I think I need to start preparing for D because that will likely happen whatever I choose.

These are the things that I need to do:

- read some coparenting books
- do the paperwork for the L
- overcome procrastination and start regularly doing billable work
- figure out a budget
- envision a life for myself where I am happy and fulfilled as a divorced mother
- if I can't accomplish the above, work on stuck areas in IC

I still feel somewhat detached, but there's also some anger creeping in. F--- him. The rejection has gone on for years and I'm sick of being treated like someone who is not worthy of love and respect. I'm going to have to watch myself because the anger will make it harder to stick to my DB behaviour code. I still want to do that because it's a dignity thing and for the future of coparenting together.