Hi everyone, I am new to the online community but not new to trying to save my marriage. In 2003 my wife and I were separated and I read "The Divorce Remedy" and we reconciled and moved to a new city. During that time we had one child (a boy) and since that time we have had two more children, (girls) and have owned two homes, one which we purchased in December 2009 and two cars. Since that time I have slipped into my old ways of not paying attention to my wife in reference to her emotional needs and On Valentines Day I really made her mad because of my selfishness. I was upset that she was singing with the church choir and wanted her to be home to celebrate Valentines Day. We both wanted to do great things for each other but I think I jumped the gun in my frustration and as a result, I did not give her anything that day. I ended up giving her presents two days later. Since that time my wife has withdrawn from me. She does not want to be intimate at all. No sex, no kissing, no communication, etc. Four days ago my wife moved to an apartment not far away from our home and says that she is trying to allow her self to breath and get feelings for me like she once had in the past. I have caught her on the phone several times texting and talking and once I come into the room, she either gets off the phone or says she is just checking/ erasing her messages. I am not stupid by far and I have asked that she be honest with me. She has all 3 kids living with her in an apartment and it’s driving me crazy. Right before things went south she asked me about a rumor that she herd about me messing around with someone she knows at church. Of course it was not true; however I think along with my selfishness, it has pushed her right out of the door. Even though I have read "The Divorce Remedy" and once reconciled with my wife. I forgot about how important it was to keep the changes going and as a result I panicked and pushed her away. She says that the move is only to re-create feeling for me, but I don't understand how she would leave our brand new dream home to move to a much smaller apt. I think it has to be more to this situation than just refocusing. I did have a session with a DB Coach (Leni), but soon after got away from using the methods we discussed. One of my biggest problems is my growing up without my father and I always vowed to never be like my father and it's killing me inside! Can anyone help me PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!
One of my biggest problems is my growing up without my father and I always vowed to never be like my father and it's killing me inside!
Somehow that sentence doesn't seem to belong in this story. Are you saying that you being so selfish is like your father?
You say it makes no sense for her to leave her dream house for a small apartment, but it makes no sense to me why you could DB the first time around and then go back to your old ways! It doesn't matter how beautiful the new house is, if she is unhappy.
BTW, what you did regarding Valentines was being a jerk. Reminds me of men who wait until everything has price reduction and "then" buys a Valentine gift.
I suspect she is fed up with your self ways and has found OM. Time to start DBing again.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My wife has said that this has been a build up for sometime now. Before Valentines was very stressful on both of us trying to sell our house. I did not make it any better. I once told her that I should have reconsidered moving into the new house with her. Just after January she graduated from college which was a big accomplishment for her after all the kids and just the other day she said that she doesnt even feel like she graduated. After we moved in our new home, I continud to complain about leaving the lights on, keeping it clean, etc. In reference to my father, I was only suggesting that I wanted to be around for my children, not that he was selfish. And Yes, during Valentines I was being a JERK! I really have messed up this situation!!!!!
My wife and I talk and or see each other on a daily basis. Before she moved out, we were still sharing the same bed, but not intimacy what so ever. It killed me not to be able to touch her but atleast she was still home.
what did the DB coach suggest to you, post his suggestions here and then after each suggestion you rec'd, tell us what YOU did based on that advice and then tell us why you stopped doing it.
Also, no need to start a new thread to get attention, it actually tends to piss people off around here when a noobie starts creating a bunch of new threads, you might even find yourself being ignored because of that so just keep replying to this one. Even if you don't get activity, use your thread as a daily online journal, example.
Day 1, Saturday April 24, 2010: =============================== - my wife came over to pick up a few things - she admitted there was another man - she spontaneously ripped off all her clothing and we shagged like wild animals - it was fun
and then create another post like this the next day, so on & so forth, you will get attention and advice eventually
thanx Robx, I will continue to post here and not start a new thread. My wife just called and asked if i could watch the kids because she needs a break and wants to go to a gospel concert. SHOULD I HELP? Any suggestions?
thanx Robx, I will continue to post here and not start a new thread. My wife just called and asked if i could watch the kids because she needs a break and wants to go to a gospel concert. SHOULD I HELP? Any suggestions?
You should tell her that since you didn't have the kids today, you made plans already to go out with a "friend".
If she happens to ask who, tell her it's someone new, that she doesn't know them and that unfortunately you're getting ready to go out and can't spend too much time talking and that you will see the kids at the scheduled time.
That's it.
AND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!........ - Don't get pulled into a lengthy conversation, in fact avoid it at all costs, if she tries to make you feel guilty, tell her you don't have time for an argument and you won't reward her crap behavior with your attention anymore, life is too short and you have better things to do.
