James, I feel like you don't listen. Or maybe you do listen and you just don't grasp the concepts. I don't know for sure. It is sort of frustrating but lets keep working on this.
The last several posts you have made are all about your W. That means your focus is still on her. And right now your focus needs to be on you.
A big part of making personal changes and evolving as a human being is to be able to seek out solutions for problems. What happened in the past is in the past. I am not saying past issues don't have to be dealt with but IMO until some immediate solutions are put in play the past will continue to dictate the future.
I am not being unkind or ugly but your W is a very, very sick woman. Until she is ready to (A) ask for the proper kind of help and (B) follow through with a treatment plan there is nothing more for you to do. In fact, by doing what you are doing you are simply enabling this behavior.
I am not sure what a POA is but I assume it is something like we have in NY called a Health Care Proxy. I am confused as to why you had to sign a document because if you and your W have some sort of legal document stating you are married (and you said you did) then you would be her health care proxy as you are the legal next of kin as her husband.
If you still have the responsibility of being her health care proxy you need to go to her and say the following:
W: As your health care proxy (or POA or whatever the term is) I have not been a good advocate for you. That changes today. I can no longer watch you self sabotage your mental and physical health. I am asking you to enter a treatment program today. We have both made mistakes in the past by ignoring our health and hoping things would get better. While it is your choice to enter into treatment or not, if you choose not to I will turn my POA duties over to somebody else as I choose not to watch you self destruct any longer.
Then leave it at that. You have given her the decision making power and clearly spelled out what YOU will do. Once you have made that statement you will have no more contact with her unless it is to take her to the facility.
Your W is so destroyed about losing her children but what is she doing now to improve her life so she could prove (given the chance) she is a fit mother? Leaving her H, living in a motel, spending the day texting/talking on the phone/watching tv and eating, not looking for work, having physical and emotional affairs and she got herself a STD. She also, as per you, has blown off court ordered C'ing and she is not taking care of her health at all. None of those things exhibit that she is at all interested in improving her life and if she wants to even entertain the idea of one day having her family back she needs to do the work.
It is not your job to fix your W, pull her out of a funk or any other such thing.
You have asked time and time again why your W can't love you and appreciate you as you are. Why can't you love yourself first and show the world that you have far more value than what your W gives you?
Your W knows how to control you and control does not equal respect and without respect there is no foundation of love or friendship.
You have many problems you need to find solutions to. Your health issues, your job and the time you will need off to address those health issues, the C'ing you need and all in all you really need to focus 110% on your own self improvement.
Instead of posting about your W you should be reading some of the wonderful books that are talked about on these forums. It will be eye opening.
my state (texas) is very weird. Common law marriages are recognized and take divorces and we have documents to prove it but for medical care decisions we both signed Medical Power of Attorneys. Yes it's similar to a HEALTH CARE PROXY. We never went to the court and did our M. But the legal responsibilites etc etc are all recognized by the courts. *sighs*
she got the std from SD8 father. he does not even live here. he's thousands of miles away. He gave it to her some years ago. WE both did a sex family tree. And her P.A. does not have it neither does anyone from my past.
The doctor said it could have been dormant in both of us for awhile until I had an outbreak a few weeks back and got tested. She has no symptoms. Simply a carrier of it.
LOL I know she's sick. NO offense taken. She feel she deserves to fall to the very bottom. I don't want to let her and it's hard to watch. But what she doesn't realize is that it's affecting our finances and the kiddies too.
she's not gonna go to no freaking treatment program. Heck our COURT ORDER IC ordered MC and OUTPATIENT for her and she didn't do it. She called me the other day asking how I'm doing. I cannot see her anymore due to WAW signing away SD8.
Sometimes I just really want to shake her and say WTF ARE YOU DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EVERYTIME SHE TELLS ME HOW SHE MISSES SD8 AND THE KIDS I just want to say that. I WANT TO TELL HER TO IF YOU MISS THEN WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE THIS.
[censored] STOP DOING IT AND HELP ME [censored] GET THEM BACK. IT CAN'T BE ONE OR THE OTHER DOING THE DAMN SERVICES WE BOTH HAVE TO DO IT.
WELP ON TO ORIENTATION
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
James, all you are doing is providing more and more excuses and background information. At this point it is not necessary.
You have to take control of your own life. It should speak volumes to you that your W blew off COURT ORDERED IC AND MC. She made a choice not to go and now she must either (A) make a different choice or (B) suffer the consequences. Either way, it is her choice to make.
This is not about anybody "deserving" to fall to the very bottom. Being at the "very bottom" is for the most part a very direct consequences of the poor choices we make. Nobody wants to see anybody fall apart but at the end of the day there is nothing you can do about it. What you are doing is enabling this behavior. It is hurting you, your finances, your children and every aspect of your life. You are the only person that can change that.
Let's say you had the opportunity to get your children back but was denied because your W chose to NOT do what was necessary and court ordered. Once again, you enabling her destructive behavior will have a grave and life long effect on you and your children.
You keep trying but the way you are approaching this is not the right way to go at this time. If your W chooses not to get treatment there is nothing more you can do but live your life AND remove her from your life. Texting, calling, sex and lunches out will not change a thing except show her no matter what she does, you will be there and she is free to act how she pleases because she has you right where she wants you.
And James, since you are her medical power of attny if she refuses your offer to assist her with getting immediate treatment then you need to tell her you will no longer act as her power of attny and the task must be reassigned to somebody else.
While it is common for spouses to act as each other's medical proxy it is not always the case. I am still legally married and my sister is my health care proxy.
It is as simple as telling your W that if she chooses not to take the necessary and immediate steps to get well you no longer choose to act as her proxy. Have the paperwork ready to be transferred when you tell her this. Let her cry and scream and carry on and do not respond to any of it. Simply wish her well, turn around and walk out. And after that do not respond to ANY contact she makes with you.
If she hurts herself and winds up in the hospital, well, that might be a blessing in disguise. If she causes trouble and winds up in jail, well, she can really start to feel the consequences of her lack of action.
Until your W enters treatment there is no chance at all for the two of you to rebuild anything. She needs professional help to teach her how to approach things in a healthy way. Right now she does not know how to do that. This cycle will never end unless she gets help or you cut her out of your life.
And James, since you are her medical power of attny if she refuses your offer to assist her with getting immediate treatment then you need to tell her you will no longer act as her power of attny and the task must be reassigned to somebody else.
While it is common for spouses to act as each other's medical proxy it is not always the case. I am still legally married and my sister is my health care proxy.
It is as simple as telling your W that if she chooses not to take the necessary and immediate steps to get well you no longer choose to act as her proxy. Have the paperwork ready to be transferred when you tell her this. Let her cry and scream and carry on and do not respond to any of it. Simply wish her well, turn around and walk out. And after that do not respond to ANY contact she makes with you.
If she hurts herself and winds up in the hospital, well, that might be a blessing in disguise. If she causes trouble and winds up in jail, well, she can really start to feel the consequences of her lack of action.
Until your W enters treatment there is no chance at all for the two of you to rebuild anything. She needs professional help to teach her how to approach things in a healthy way. Right now she does not know how to do that. This cycle will never end unless she gets help or you cut her out of your life.
James, all you are doing is providing more and more excuses and background information. At this point it is not necessary.
You have to take control of your own life. It should speak volumes to you that your W blew off COURT ORDERED IC AND MC. She made a choice not to go and now she must either (A) make a different choice or (B) suffer the consequences. Either way, it is her choice to make.
This is not about anybody "deserving" to fall to the very bottom. Being at the "very bottom" is for the most part a very direct consequences of the poor choices we make. Nobody wants to see anybody fall apart but at the end of the day there is nothing you can do about it. What you are doing is enabling this behavior. It is hurting you, your finances, your children and every aspect of your life. You are the only person that can change that.
Let's say you had the opportunity to get your children back but was denied because your W chose to NOT do what was necessary and court ordered. Once again, you enabling her destructive behavior will have a grave and life long effect on you and your children.
You keep trying but the way you are approaching this is not the right way to go at this time. If your W chooses not to get treatment there is nothing more you can do but live your life AND remove her from your life. Texting, calling, sex and lunches out will not change a thing except show her no matter what she does, you will be there and she is free to act how she pleases because she has you right where she wants you.
she went to most of the IC but we never went to the MC. I think we both missed one or two appointments. That was around the time I got sick and now I know why with this damn diabetes.
I just got a text from her about how I've ruined her bday just like last year. Because we had an argument (don't even remember about what) but then states we made up and I had her gift and card?
it's not the way every day starts. it's about how they end.
she's getting pissed because I'm not talking to her. Plus the other day I told her I don't think she's left OM alone. She got defensive about it today going on about that and texting about me not trusting her and all this other stuff.
*sighs* *head explodes*
is she really serious? she's gotten a ton of cards flowers, dates, support and whatever else. Now i've ruined her bday?
city girl this is tearing me apart. It's tearing the kids apart. Everything is so fucced up. I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm just tired. So tired of it all.
I'm just going to work this job and delay the surgery. I can miss about six days once I get out of training. 3 will be for the doctor. 1 for court.
I am very very very tired....
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
How does this make sense? "she's getting pissed because I'm not talking to her. Plus the other day I told her I don't think she's left OM alone."
Man, I know you are hurting. We can all see that. We have all been there and many of us still are. You have to help yourself. IMO, you are doing most of the damage here to yourself.
I won't continue to beat you over the head. No contact means NO CONTACT. Make yourself do it and see how you feel after 48hrs. Then shoot for a week. It would do wonders if you would only have the self dicipline to do it. You have to do it for you own sanity.
Be strong. We all know it's the hardest thing you've ever had to do. STOP HALF-A$$ TRYING AND DO IT!!!
And James, since you are her medical power of attny if she refuses your offer to assist her with getting immediate treatment then you need to tell her you will no longer act as her power of attny and the task must be reassigned to somebody else.
While it is common for spouses to act as each other's medical proxy it is not always the case. I am still legally married and my sister is my health care proxy.
It is as simple as telling your W that if she chooses not to take the necessary and immediate steps to get well you no longer choose to act as her proxy. Have the paperwork ready to be transferred when you tell her this. Let her cry and scream and carry on and do not respond to any of it. Simply wish her well, turn around and walk out. And after that do not respond to ANY contact she makes with you.
If she hurts herself and winds up in the hospital, well, that might be a blessing in disguise. If she causes trouble and winds up in jail, well, she can really start to feel the consequences of her lack of action.
Until your W enters treatment there is no chance at all for the two of you to rebuild anything. She needs professional help to teach her how to approach things in a healthy way. Right now she does not know how to do that. This cycle will never end unless she gets help or you cut her out of your life.
that's so hard for me to do. *sighs* if she has a seizure due to her epilepsy and i don't go I'll feel really bad.
Especially after she spent pretty much all week taking care of me and looking after me and at the hospital.
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
How does this make sense? "she's getting pissed because I'm not talking to her. Plus the other day I told her I don't think she's left OM alone."
Man, I know you are hurting. We can all see that. We have all been there and many of us still are. You have to help yourself. IMO, you are doing most of the damage here to yourself.
I won't continue to beat you over the head. No contact means NO CONTACT. Make yourself do it and see how you feel after 48hrs. Then shoot for a week. It would do wonders if you would only have the self dicipline to do it. You have to do it for you own sanity.
Be strong. We all know it's the hardest thing you've ever had to do. STOP HALF-A$$ TRYING AND DO IT!!!
im not talking to her. she's texting and calling and emailing. i haven't said a word since yesterday morning. I didn't even wish her happy bday.
now i've ruined it cause I won't talk to her or whatever else she can say.
*bows head* *pulls out his black and his few gray hairs*
Silence is golden. I'm going to look at some of these resources on here and then read my bible til I fall asleep
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
I just want to be treated better. I want to be respected and loved. I want to feel special to her.
I thought if I showed her love she would reciprocate.
Everytime she would say I wasn't doing this or that I'd try to make it happen.
Love is such a beautiful thing. It's so precious. How can people just throw it away like it's trash. Or pick it up and drop it?
I can't believe we overcame so much to have it this way. I just really cant believe it.
Today I just looked at all our pictures. Of all 3 kids. Me and WAW. All the fun we had. So many memories. So much fun. So much laughter. So much joy.
Money and material things have never really mattered to me. My family is what was important. Doing things for my family made me happy.
When I fought I fought for them.
I think i'm just going to sleep the rest of this weekend. No thinking. No typing. No talking. Just sleep. That way I have nothing to think about.
James217,
It is special. however who is to say that you won't have more with someone else who values you, who likes you as you are today? And as a result of that love, your health coditions diminish, and you look at you current situation as craziness that you hung onto for far too long.
