My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[nicole8]

Trent I know.....bad comment on my part to the h. I have been way to aggressive with him and accusatory. He knows what he is doing and that it is wrong. I need to back off. I know this. Awest's story of her sitch above has really hit home for me.....things seem more clear now. I really do need to back off and let what is going to happen, just happen. There isn't anything more I can do. The h has to want to get help.

Again, I need to realize that the person who cares the least has the control in the relationship.... Really is true!

I sm going to make Nicole a better person, I'm already pretty great but I could be even better that's for sure.

[TrentC]

I think once you have a chance to work on yourself, you'll be in a much better position to figure out how to proceed with your relationship.

[TrentC]

Here's some more good reading:

• Better Living through Cognitive Dissonance
• Disarming The Jealousy Complex
• Love without Hurt: Boot Camps for Compassion
• Victim Identity: I'm Not Okay, You're More Not Okay

[nicole8]

Trent THANK YOU!

I am excited to read the information you sent.... I obviously don't want the same m with my h if he does come back! I would like to be a better person also!

[TrentC]

I found a couple more, and added them to this thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...024#Post1989024

[nicole8]

well I did do something very stupid yesterday. I left a message for the h that I was sorry for my behavior the last couple of days. I said I was sorry for the accusations and rudeness because that isn't who I am. I also told him it wasn't fair to him because he has so much going on right now with school and work. I also told him when he had time I would like to meet with him and bounce a couple of things off of him.

WHY did I do this? As to be expected he hasn't responded. I am going to wait him out and see when he next contacts me. I know I acted all tough yesterday and said that I have come to terms with what is going to happen will happen. Well, I am now having reservations again about it. I feel like my h needs someone to be his friend and to have someone to lean on. He is in such a weird confused place and I would like to be there....yet he knows where I am and what my phone number is. I also wonder if he does still know he can come home and that I don't hate him. These are things I want him to know. Yet when we talked the other day (when I was rude and accusing) he pretty much said that it was unfair to me for him to have done what he has done and still remain married to me. Isn't that a decision I should make or more like we should make together?

Ahhhhhh, I am so confused today!

On a brighter note I did make it to the gym today for some treadmill and eliptical time. Actually kind of fun!

[TrentC]

Nicole:

He knows how you feel. If you have told him, then he knows. He may not feel capable of returning those feelings, but that is not something you can help him with.

The best thing you can do right now is take the pressure off of him. Let him do whatever he needs to do, and you take care of yourself. You can't help anyone if you are an emotional wreck.

[nicole8]

Thanks Trent that does make sense..... I have never told him he couldn't come home. He just thinks he shouldn't because he has so much guilt (and he is still seeing the ow). I sure hope she really is leaving at the end of May for the other side of the country. I think it will help my h to focus more on what he needs to do.

I don't think he is capable of much right now except being in his fantasy land.... sad but true.

[TrentC]

I don't remember if I suggested going to the Midlife Crisis forum yet or not, but there are some good people who can help you with this.

Much of your husband's behavior sounds very much like an MLC. They can help you find resources on what you can do to help him (not much) and help yourself (much more).

[nicole8]

Trent thanks for all the information.... I have done some reading this weekend. What did you think of Retrouvaille? Was it something you would suggest to a friend?

I think I am really going to enjoy this gym thing. It sure is fun to just detach from everything and watch a movie on my phone....my sister works out there too so that is a bonus. I have a personal training session tomorrow that came with my new membership. I am hoping the trainer is an attractive male I know that is horrible to say because I am married, but it's how I feel.

I have not heard from the h this weekend. Things must be going well for him at the all-inclusive resort.