SA - He is on some low dose AD to help him sleep. But apparently it's not enough. I brought it up yesterday and he said that he doesn't want to be drug-up. I really think that he needs something. I'll try again.
Be careful that this doesn't sound controlling. I don't know what it is about these people that they don't want to "take any drugs" to help them. It is always someone else's fault or there is nothing wrong with them.
I certainly know someone just like him!
If it was their kids they would make them take someting. LOL
You're the controlling bad guy he is trying to get away from.
Stop trying to 'help' him, to make 'yourself' feel better...it is a losing game. And don't tell me that you aren't doing this for you, that may or may not be true.
The real truth is:
STOP TRYING TO 'HELP' HIM.
: )
Seriously...you're not. You told him once, right? But he didn't listen to you, so now you absolutely MUST make him understand you're right?
puh-leaze.
Even if he wasn't in MLC I'd say thats annoying.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Depression is always there throughout the crisis itself.
It looks like he's crashing hard, and sees all that he's done. Because you're not reacting in an angry way, that's making him even MORE miserable, as he KNOWS you should be tearing him apart, and he would deserve that.
Yet, you're not, you're seriously trying to help him and he feels even worse for what he's put you through..and that is actually a good thing...he's trying to hard to work his way through, and from what I'm reading, all paths are leading BACK to you....another good sign.
You may suggest, but try not to push him in regards to testing, etc. Accept whatever he agrees to...it's hard not to just take over, but you can't do that because, then you would be seen as "mother", and believe me, that can make things worse.
Now, concerning his problems trying to learn new things..for some reason while in the crisis, new things are HARD to learn IF they ARE learned. When emotions are in this type of growing process, new things are nearly impossible to learn, but things that are already known, come easily.
Again, be there for him when he needs you, be patient with this processing..there is still a ways to go before he emerges from the OW Withdrawal. His misery is a good thing for now, as the more miserable he is, the less likely something of this sort will happen again, as he learns it is NOT worth what he's putting himself and you through.
He won't remember much when it all comes to an end, but he WILL remember how he was treated while within all these events.
You are doing well, even though it doesn't seem like it...and he's coming to you for help, I can see that clearly.
Journaling helps get it off of you and lets you see the progress you and he are making as this goes along.
Take care.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Jack, thank you for your thoughts. I know that you mean well
First of all I only brought it up yesterday, because he was reaching out and telling me that he can't sleep and that the pills he has are not working. All I said is "maybe you need something stronger".
Secondly if I did bring it up before he very likely doesn't remember...like 90% of things we discuss.
Thirdly, If you had seen him last night (see my post about last night) you would have force fed him those darn antidepressants your self.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
HB - thanks so much for writing. I always look forward to your view on my situation. You have been a great help.
H is crashing so hard that I'm concerned for his health...that is actually my biggest concern right now. Hopefully "his misery is a good thing" as you said. Just hard to watch.
I truly wonder how much of this will he remember when he is through. His memory and his ability to concentrate are really affected right now. Aren't those symptoms of low testosterone?
Glad that you think that I'm doing well. I actually feel pretty strong and in control of myself. Little powerless in terms of my ability to help H. But I feel that I'm doing all that I can for him right now.
God bless
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I truly wonder how much of this will he remember when he is through. His memory and his ability to concentrate are really affected right now. Aren't those symptoms of low testosterone?
Yes, anytime you have an imbalance of hormones, whether male or female, it exhibits itself in poor memory/concentration.
Once it's all said and done, he will remember very little if anything from this and all other experiences...and that is a good thing, honestly.
It really won't matter what he remembers if he makes ALL the changes required to grow up within this trial.
Don't be surprised if he loses track of days/dates/years...while scary that IS normal for this.
At this point, and at many others, he will see YOU as the stronger one...and it must needs to be this way for now.
It's times such as these that he will be easily confused, and something is literally "pointing" him back to you...the rock in the storm.
I saw this in my own situation..my husband said some pretty strange things during that time; one example was that he said that something told him I was there to help him, and he was going with it. I said that I'd always been there, and he'd say he couldn't remember that.
It was like all that had occurred with the passing years in some ways had NEVER happened...odd, I know, but true with him at the emotional point he was at.
His testosterone was low, but wouldn't get any help for it..and I knew to let him go on that..it was his decision, not mine. I just rode it all out with him; knowing that any pressure from me would slow him down as he walked this tight rope along Sanity/Insanity Way.
When his hormones began to balance back out the other direction, it took me by surprise.
Everybody is different in how they navigate through, and you know your husband better than anyone.
Hope this will also help, time, support, love and space are required during this time to help them come through these stages, and it's not easy when you're watching him cry, and bottom out within himself.
I cannot say how long it will take your husband to navigate through, but you'll know the ending of this phase based on the changes you'll observe as he comes through.
It will seem as if you're both "starting over"..then he'll withdraw again for a time; and it will scare you, but understand this would be necessary for him to make some important decisions within himself.
Facing themselves is scary to say the least, but another necessary step in order for them to come on through...and it takes a long time to do so.
Take care.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Mila, I have seen my H crash really hard probably 2-3 times in the past few months. It is so incredibly hard to watch and scary, especially since you can do nothing. He has to decide if/when to get help. There were some days that it seemed the very effort of talking at all was too much for my H. I was so worried about him. All I could do is listen when he wanted to talk.
