reconciliation after divorce?

[dday101798]

Some peoples conscious is broken. Others are straight evil or have become so, they are filling a part of their self by their betrayal which is by conscious choice. What do you do then?

In some cases, true for the most part. Even when a person has become that morally defunct, in time, the ramifications of their actions will start to get to them.

This however, as again described by 'any chance's' post below, IS NOT one of those cases.

[dday101798]

What is wrong with saying that he is "moving on"? What did you do different in your sitch? Did she want to treat you as a "friend", a "best friend"? I think that my sitch will definitely end in D and there is OM and she is going to go be with him, similar to your sitch. I did something similar with my W as "any chance", what is wrong with that in your opinion?

Thanks!

I guess to me, stating that you are moving on to a WAS, especially this early in the game and the circumstances that got the M to this point, you are basically saying to them "yeah I cheated on you, you weren't good enough then, and now, I don't want to do anything to prove I am worthy of continuing to be your H/W, so yeah go ahead and divorce me, you're not good enough now and worth fighting for". It's kind of a slap in the face after you've already bludgened someone to the ground.

Did my (x)W want to treat me as "friend". Oh, yeah. We were supposed to be best buddies, while she my wife carried on her life with someone else, and "who knows, maybe we would have grown to love each other again wouldn't that be great?". Ummmm, no, I don't think so.

I refused to live in a open marriage, apologized for my faults, and let her on her merry little way with little fight.

She'd try to extend the "friendship branch" every 3-4 months, all the while silently begging for my help. And each time, it would be rejected on the account that I will not be friends with my actively adultres wife. And I will not have an A with my W to end her A on me.

[dday101798]

I thought this was all about GAL and not waiting about for the WAW?

Yes, but getting a life does not mean tell your spouse whome is already hurt and confused enough, eh, it's been a peech, but I'm outta here, have a nice life! Ya know?

[Ken62]

I guess to me, stating that you are moving on to a WAS, especially this early in the game and the circumstances that got the M to this point, you are basically saying to them "yeah I cheated on you, you weren't good enough then, and now, I don't want to do anything to prove I am worthy of continuing to be your H/W, so yeah go ahead and divorce me, you're not good enough now and worth fighting for". It's kind of a slap in the face after you've already bludgened someone to the ground.

How is stating "I'm moving on because you have chosen to sleep with OM" basically saying to them "yeah I cheated on you, you weren't good enough then, and now, I don't want to do anything to prove I am worthy of continuing to be your H"? She wants this D so she can be with OM and she wants me as a backup plan and to cake eat and I am basically saying that I have too much respect for myself to allow you to do that to me.

[dday101798]

She wants this D so she can be with OM and she wants me as a backup plan and to cake eat and I am basically saying that I have too much respect for myself to allow you to do that to me.

And that's where "loving detachment" comes into play. You have the right idea, it's just the way you word it has to be done just right.

[any chance?]

"Yes, but getting a life does not mean tell your spouse whome is already hurt and confused enough, eh, it's been a peech, but I'm outta here, have a nice life! Ya know? "

This is not what I said at all. I told her that I would do anything I possibly could to help her through this difficult time. Told I would always be there for her, which is true. Let her know that I knew about the OM ("I just want to get my friend" back...yeah, when the guy has been in love with her for years). Told her I need to get my life in order, because the current situation is killing me

[Ken62]

She wants this D so she can be with OM and she wants me as a backup plan and to cake eat and I am basically saying that I have too much respect for myself to allow you to do that to me.

And that's where "loving detachment" comes into play. You have the right idea, it's just the way you word it has to be done just right.

I'd sure like to know how to word it just right. I did already send a text telling her that I was moving on, it's all in my sitch. Haven't heard from her in 9 days so I'm sure that I didn't "word it just right".

Sure could use your guidance on my sitch DDay. Thanks!

Sorry for the hijack Any Chance?.

[dday101798]

Well, any chance, that's a little more indepth then whatyou previously said yo told, the gist I got was you said you were 'moving on' and that was that. I like your last statement that you need to put yourself together, that works. I'd jsut finish it off with "do what you think you must while I do what I must, if you need me, you know where to find me".

Ken, I guess that kind of answers your question as well.

I'm by no means an 'expert' at this. If you would had asked me anytime all the way up until November if I'd ever be where I am now and back with my (x)W and planning a new future, my answer would have been "I'd love it, but not a chance in hell". lol

The key I think, is just plain common sense in people skills and maintaning a level of sensitivity, you know, all the validating, man, it's hard to pound in your head, but once you do, you find yourself applying it everywhere in your life and it changes not only your personal life, but everything. Also, stop making it personal, a big help. Yes, your W is cheating on you, it hurts like a mother, I know, just try and shuttle it out of the conversation. But atleast for me, conversations could not occur or at least be taken seriously so long as she was with him.

You guys sound a lot like I did when I was where you are. That is why I'm just trying to deter you from just giving up. I know you want overnight results, but you're not gonna get em, plan and simple. But please, please, know and understand, if you want this to work out in the end, you just have to let it ride it's course as best as possible.

[Ken62]

You guys sound a lot like I did when I was where you are. That is why I'm just trying to deter you from just giving up. I know you want overnight results, but you're not gonna get em, plan and simple. But please, please, know and understand, if you want this to work out in the end, you just have to let it ride it's course as best as possible.

DDay,

I am in no way giving up nor do I expect overnight results. I just needed to let go and GAL and heal me because being around my W while she is in a PA with the "perfect" guy was not helping me. Hopefully she knows from our past talks that she can find me whenever she needs/wants to but I will not be trying to find her because it doesn't help me detach from her.

Thanks for everything and if you can look in on my sitch I would appreciate it.

[any chance?]

DD:
I appreciate you trying to deter me from giving up. I am not going to do that, but I am also not going to sit around expecting her to see the light and come running back. I am going to GAL and move forward. W is very, very messed up right now, and I will be there for her when she needs me. I have loved this woman for a long time, and that is not going to go away, D or no D. I am not going to sit by while she EA/PA's with OM as she is getting her D in order. I need to get my life back, with or without her.