My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[nicole8]

really timehealsall, how should I bust the affair? I really have contemplated it. I did in the past try to call the ow. Well she freaked and said I was harrassing her and wouldn't talk to my h. He came home for one month and then left again now for almost 8 weeks. Sooo, how would I bust the affair? Should I contact her and let her know that she is dating a married man? Should I tell my husband to prove to me with his phone records that he isn't communicating and having an affair with her? At this point I almost don't care if it pisses him off.

This post is the exact opposite of my last post. Hahaha I change my mind constantly. should I have friends who are pro marriage call and leave a message about her morals of dating a married man?

[awest1217]

You need to let go of the OW! I understand that it is driving you crazy, but talking to OW or having others call her is just going to make your life worse. I know right now you are thinking it will make you feel better to bust the A, but who are you busting it too? He knows that he is doing it, she knows he is married. If she works with him and that is how they met, she knows he is married and you say she is what? early 20's? she knows what she is doing and nothing you say will change it.

Talking to her or having others talk to her is just going to make your life worse because if you keep calling or trying to contact her, she can put a restraining order out. Do you really want that?

I know this completely sucks (it is even worse when you know the woman personally and invited her on many occasions to your house to eat dinner and she is married). What he is doing to you is not right, but you are letting him do it. You are obsessing about what he is or is not doing. You have no idea and imagining or assuming is eating you alive. I know, I have been there. I was where you are at. I snooped, looked at phone records, texts, e-mails, drove by her house when I thought H was there. I did it all, and all it did was make my life miserable because it just kept eating away at my self-esteem. Why didn't he want to be with me? Why wasn't he saying those things to me? Why would he cancel a date to hang out with S and I, but would go see OW? He even traveled across the country to pick her up from a vacation she was having with her husband because she missed him so much. Yes, I know where you are at and have done some of what you want to do, and it doesn't help.

The difference is my H is not depressed or MLC, this is a pattern of behavior that I have let go on for years. Your H is depressed. He is doing this because he needs some serious help so instead of focusing on OW and how she is ruining your marriage (yes she is doing that, but not the main cause), you need to focus on the depression. Think about solutions for the main problem. Think what strategies you want to give H. Call doctors and have some options of doctors he can see when he is ready. You need to switch the focus from OW to depression. Depression is the enemy. Once H is ready to deal with that and get some help with that, the OW will go away, but it won't until the depression is gone (whether it is this one or another one).

You need to think about this like an alcoholic or drug addict. You can do everything in your power to show them they have a problem, but until they are ready to get help there is nothing you can do. Stop trying to bust the A because even if you say stuff to H or OW, it ultimately gives them control of your life and it makes you look bad.

Vent here, but you need to stop obsessing. Sorry for the harsh tone. You can make it, but to do that you need to focus on you and get you ready because helping someone who is depressed is just as hard as what you are doing now and unless you are ready, the stress could stop you then as well. You need to get strong and get ready for the fight ahead so when H is ready you can help him get over the depression.

Have a good weekend and have some fun!

[TimeHeals]

There really is nothing more for me to do except be his friend and be there for him. Which he seems pretty uninterested in. He really is living a fantasy life in highschool. So sad

You sound like a good person, but if thinking about all of this stuff is making you sad, then maybe you should do some things that make you feel better and not contemplate what he is doing so much. Detach yourself from any outcome. What happens will happen, and what he does or doesn't do isn't about you, so choose to see the good things in your life aside from your relationship and appreciate those, and take care of yourself.


Excercise, household chores, playing with my dogs, and doing a good job at work keep me centered and happy. For you, it might be something different, but try to stay focused on taking care of yourelf unless he decides to reach out, and then if that happens take a genuine interest in him, but don't make yourself unhappy because what he is doing is making him unhappy.

[timehealsall]

really timehealsall, how should I bust the affair? I really have contemplated it. I did in the past try to call the ow. Well she freaked and said I was harrassing her and wouldn't talk to my h. He came home for one month and then left again now for almost 8 weeks. Sooo, how would I bust the affair? Should I contact her and let her know that she is dating a married man? Should I tell my husband to prove to me with his phone records that he isn't communicating and having an affair with her? At this point I almost don't care if it pisses him off.

This post is the exact opposite of my last post. Hahaha I change my mind constantly. should I have friends who are pro marriage call and leave a message about her morals of dating a married man?

That is not the way to bust the affair. What I meant is exposing him to everyone and finding more info about this OW. Gather intel. Is she married? bf? that type of thing.

Calling you and leaving her messages is going to make her the victim and make him resent YOU more.

[rr22]

awest said: Your H is depressed. He is doing this because he needs some serious help so instead of focusing on OW and how she is ruining your marriage (yes she is doing that, but not the main cause), you need to focus on the depression. Think about solutions for the main problem. Think what strategies you want to give H. Call doctors and have some options of doctors he can see when he is ready. You need to switch the focus from OW to depression. Depression is the enemy. Once H is ready to deal with that and get some help with that, the OW will go away, but it won't until the depression is gone (whether it is this one or another one).

You need to think about this like an alcoholic or drug addict. You can do everything in your power to show them they have a problem, but until they are ready to get help there is nothing you can do.





This sounds correct. You DO NOT want this H back if he does not get help for depression. He will self medicate like this again with EAs or maybe next time alcohol, video games, tv, cigarettes, workaholism, other ways of "checking out." If he solves it by "replacing" you, it will be some OW's problem when it happens again in two years when his D problem rolls back around full force. It will not be YOUR problem then.

[nicole8]

I know I should focus on myself and be ready to help my h when and if he decides to get help for depression. I just don't ever think he is going to get help though. He is in denial and doesn't know what will make him happy, but being married or not being married won't make him happy either. So his solution is d. Plus he has alot of guilt and said he shouldn't have looked at ow while he was married and so now he can't be m to me. Just a bunch of bs in my opinion.

I do still want to bust the a. Sorry but I do. If my h was addicted to cocaine or meth I would be trying to help him stop too. I really don't think the a is really any different. The problem is that I don't know much about this girl other than she is 24, is catholic and has lots of friends and is into sports. I've thought of talking to the pastor at her church but I don't know where her church is.... Argggg. Anyway I want to bust the a, but then I have reservations on even doing it or how to go about it.

And yes I know I need to focus on myself and not my h and the ow... But as time goes on I am getting extremly annoyed at his behavior and outright denial that he isn't doing anything wrong.

[nicole8]

How can I even talk with my h when he is so rude or uninterested towards me. If I call he calls back and is pretty much rude and says " what do you want, I'm returning your call". Really, is it necessary to be that rude? Sorry just frustrated about his attitude and thinking that there isn't anything to talk about between us. The sad thing is I can't think of anything to talk about because I'm afraid he is going to be annoyed by anything I say it ask. It is usually me talking and asking and him saying "yes or no". Just annoying I tell you!

[awest1217]

You are going to do what you want to do, but going to her pastor or her friends is not busting the A. It is trying to "get her in trouble". If you want to bust the A, you go to your H and her and talk to them both together. Going around to other people and saying stuff to them is honestly wrong. You don't know exactly what is going on. Have you read any text messages between them, e-mails? Do you know exactly what is being said? How do you know if it is mostly one-sided (H is sending her stuff, but she rarely replies)? You don't know a lot so if you are going to bust the D and especially do something like go to a person's pastor or friends without those facts, it just makes you look bad.

You are definitely going to do what you want to do, but truly think about what your reason is for doing this and be honest. Do you want to bust the A to help your marriage? And if so will this really help H get help with his depression? Is this one of the strategies you read about for talking to someone with depression?

Do you want to bust the A to get back at OW? Do you want to make her life miserable?

One last story from my past, one year and one week ago OW and H were in my house together in the basement. At the time I knew H was starting to like OW, but I had been through this before and thought I might try a different strategy and befriend OW so maybe to stop the EA before it started. I could hear them talking about me and bad things. I kept going downstairs and at one time I found them in a kiss. They of course denied it, but I went straight upstairs got S and left for the park. (I never argue in front of S). I also found out that weekend that one of H and OW's coworkers called OW's H to tell him OW was having an A with my H. I found out which coworker it was and also found that same weekend (my birthday by the way) that H sent a text to OW to move money from his account because I was about to refinance. So I did what I thought I had to do, which was called the coworker. I asked if she had noticed anything fishy going on. She said no, and then it got around H's work that I called the coworker...and to finish H almost lost his job, but didn't because OW (although she would have lost her job anyway) sacrificially resigned so H could keep his. It all just brought them closer together. Now I called the coworker to honestly find out some information. It was the beginning of the EA before I thought there was an EA, and when I heard that OW's H got a call...well I thought maybe there is something I needed to know because I now know the EA was going on months before this point and I never knew. I called the coworker to find out some information, not to hurt H or to hurt OW. I have actually done some crazy things to prove I am not out to get either of them although she thinks I am trying to ruin her life. She resigned willingly so she will never know if they would have lost their jobs (she was working way below her degree anyway), and she now can't keep a job (not my fault at all). Because of that incident is why H officially moved out.

I know your H is already out of the house, but really think about your motives. You really have no hard evidence about what is going on right now, and I don't recommend snooping to find some. Take a step back and think of what you are doing through H's eyes (like your DB coach said). IF you do this, how will he think of you? How will this affect his will to want to come back?

Good Luck!

[TrentC]

How can I even talk with my h when he is so rude or uninterested towards me. If I call he calls back and is pretty much rude and says " what do you want, I'm returning your call". Really, is it necessary to be that rude?

This is coming from the same person who did this?

H texted me That he never meant for this to happen...I responded, really then why do you selfishly pursue your affair with ow instead of putting the effort into bettering our m and yourself. No response from h....

[nicole8]

Awest thank you for taking the time to write this ^^^

You made things so clear for me.... I do get it. THANK YOU!

It does make sense to be the better person and to look at how my h sees me through his eyes. Now if only ge would look to see how I see him....

I am going to stand firm with him though that I do not believe our m cannot be rebuilt....

I also have a phrase to say to him about him getting help.... "that it takes courage to take care of himself".... Courage is a big manly man word for him. He isn't ready for any of this now but maybe with time.