H left almost 3 weeks ago! Help! (long post)

[dedicated]

H just called to talk about bday plans for S12 (today's his bday). H asked if he needed to pay elec bill. I took that opportunity to tell him that our tax refund came in, that I deposited $100 also, and had bank write cashier's checks to creditors to pay all remaining bills for the month except the VISA and health insur (guess I'm gonna have to get my own policy effective May 1 and not pay April's premium since he doesn't agree with health insur right now and he's the only one who's gone to a doctor in April so it'll be his problem when claims are denied). He seemed ok that I'd done that. Told him that I made copies of everything for proof to give him.

Somehow that led into him asking if I'd talked to a L. I did not tell him that I'd filed, only that I'd talked to one. He got frustrated that I wouldn't tell him who. (Surprisingly wasn't cussing and yelling as usual but calm instead.) I could feel myself getting emotional when this topic came up so I tried to cut him off and jump off of phone. I didn't want to be rude and hang up. He kept me on the phone trying to talk about how he'd like the D to go, how he'd hope our L's would be, etc. I wasn't able to hold it in and began to cry then began telling him that I loved him, always would, would one day forgive him for what he's doing, but for now, I cannot stand him and do not want to see him or hear his voice. (I wasn't rude in anyway, just honest. When he commented that he didn't mean to upset me and that I was fine until talk of L, I told him that I'm rarely fine but have been able to hide my emotions very well because he doesn't deserve to see my emotions anymore. He gave up that right when he chose to do what he's doing and he doesn't get to see how he makes me cry. I told him that I didn't want to be rude and hang up, that he asked me to let him go physically and emotionally for the rest of our lives and all I'm asking is to be let off of this phone call because I didn't want to talk to him. After a few more mins, I finally just said, "I'm sorry. I'm not being mean but I'm hanging up the phone for my own well being."

OMG! I'm so mad at myself for talking to him! Now I've gotta see him this afternoon when he picks up kids to take them out to eat for S12's bday. Screw it! I'm mad. Crying over! Back to being completely, sickeningly pleasant!