W-I thought we said what we needed to say. I'm just telling u that if u ar'nt gonna date anyone while we're going through this, than I wont. But if you are then I will too.
It's immaturity. Like, Oh you did this so I'm going to do that. It is counter-productive.
Originally Posted By: BigJake
I never thought getting divorced would get me so much action. That's not funny.
I would never go against Coach's advise. Thanks coach.
IDU, If we lived under the same roof right now we would be back together. she is living and acting like a teenager. She has been immature all her life. It is her biggest flaw. Immaturity is the cause of most of this and any other problem we have ever had. I don't even tell her anymore.
When I think about it, I would be better off without her. I'm sick of being her dad. That's why she went running back to him.
W-I take that as a yes M-Take it however u want. The answer is no. Why? W-If your going to move on with your life and start dating, I need to do the same. M-Do we need to talk some more? W-I thought we said what we needed to say. I'm just telling u that if u ar'nt gonna date anyone while we're going through this, than I wont. But if you are then I will too.
WOW!!!! WTF!!!!
Is this some kind of a control thing for her?
I'm at a loss.
Yes it is a control thing, you haven't noticed this by now? C'mon, how long have you been at this with your wife? She has another man on the side and still strings you along and you still hang in there even after she literally hands you D papers?
Bro, when do you start moving on with your life?
She asks if you have started dating, you say "YES I have not that it's any business of yours, we're getting divorced, the paperwork is in process, I'm moving on, you ended the marriage remember so I agreed with you, we're over and now it's on to bigger & better things for me."
When she says "if you're going to move on with your life and start dating, I need to do the same", you say:
"You already did that, remember? The OM, the affair, didn't you think that made a difference, you moved on, now it's time to move on"
You DON'T ask her "Do we need to talk some more?", this communicates that you're still waiting for her to break and submit under the pressure but she doesn't have to, you're the one crumbling under pressure and she knows this because you communicate this to her when you ask these questions.
Why does she want someone she can control so much? Ask yourself that question. Do you think it's attractive to be controlled, do you think it attracts her to you when she controls you, I'm sure she has fun with it but the two are different things, you're like a toy she plays with when she gets bored and has nothing better to do (literally).
Think about this. Is this the kind of person you want in your life? You need to act as if there is only 1 of you and a 1000 of her and that life is providing you with alot of great new things now that you're allowing this to happen in your life.
Your right timehealsall, that's what I was thinking too.
DLS, it's hard to make the brain switch over to "it doesn't matter".
she sent another... wants to have sex a least one more time.
I never thought getting divorced would get me so much action. That's not funny. This is a serious situation involving real people, but it's no fun being serious all the time.
We know it's hard to switch the brain over to thinking like that, that's why you ACT as if you've begun this new mindset and you've awakened to this new idea of life without her as a great thing.
When she asks you if you want to have sex one last time, you tell her
"thanks for the offer but no thank you, I have an appointment with someone else ;-)"
WAW's know they have a certain degree of control over their LBH's with sex, in these situations, men will associate sex with love and their WAW's know this all too well and use it to control their LBH's so that they don't move on to other women - once you appear to move on and they no longer control you, you will notice that she pulls out all the stops to get you back under her grip.
Yes it's that pathetic, people enjoy controlling other people, sadly just a side of human nature that alot of people don't want to acknowledge exists.
you may be "BigJake" but i'm not sure you could handle carrying "BigRob" on your shoulders ;-)
You're doing ok, you're going in the right direction, you just needed a nudge to help you hold your chin up a bit higher during the process.
Like I said, she will test you more now than ever but this is the final test, move on with your life. Divorce is just a piece of paper, make sure your lawyer protects your rights, most men think they just deserve a raw deal because you're a man, and it's not true, you get what you ask for, if you ask to be run over and taken to the cleaners, don't complain about it afterwards - speak to your lawyer, if he doesn't think he can take care of you in this respect, shop around and find one that knows how to take care of you, lawyers are a dime a dozen, or 10 cents for 12 even ;-)
I wish I could carry you around on my shoulder sometimes.
You can do this by detaching. Look at your conversations like a third party - you are watching yourself in a fishbowl. Then think how would Rob, Puppy, Steve be telling me to act and speak. Then find your own voice and make it part of you.
Learn how women and men communicate differently, really listen, establish boundaries and be loving. Start by loving yourself - take care of your mind, body, spirit and heart. This helps you recognise where you stop and she starts. You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thank you Coach for you words of wisdom. I will not take them lightly. Loving myself has never been an easy task for me unfortunately.
WWRD (what would rob do). I'm getting that tattooed somewhere:) Maybe on my shoulder!
Rob, thanks man. Chin up.
If it's a final test, how will I know if she wants to work on this for real?
I understand I need to make it clear I'm moving on with my life by my words and actions. If she wants to join the ride when do I let her hop on?
I consider myself to be a quick thinker. But for some reason when it comes to our conversations I get stuck in a rut. Like Coach said I need to learn more.
When i went to pick up S8 He was having a bad day and started to cry from the stress. He got in the car without saying goodbye to W.
I had some car insurance information to give her so she could put her Jeep under her own policy(per her request from our talk). After I handed it to her she mentioned how much of a pain in the butt it was going to be to get her own car insurance. She couldn't afford the premium blah, blah, blah....
I said I had to go, S8 was sitting in the car crying still. It took me a good half an hour to calm him down. Not fun. Poor kid.
W wants to talk some more tonight. She sent me a few texts through out the night. she started with telling me how much she missed me. I'm so depressed. I can't stop crying and don't know why. I'm so confused about everything. Do you want to talk tomorrow night? You said we could talk some more, I agree.
I didn't reply to any of them for about two hours. I was busy. By the time i did she had sent several more asking if I got the other ones, was I busy, fine I won't bother you.
I replied simply. Yes I got them. Sorry you are feeling this way. I said everything I needed to say. I will listen if you have something to say, but my mind is made up.
I replied simply. Yes I got them. Sorry you are feeling this way. I said everything I needed to say. I will listen if you have something to say, but my mind is made up.
