My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[awest1217]

You are going to do what you want to do, but going to her pastor or her friends is not busting the A. It is trying to "get her in trouble". If you want to bust the A, you go to your H and her and talk to them both together. Going around to other people and saying stuff to them is honestly wrong. You don't know exactly what is going on. Have you read any text messages between them, e-mails? Do you know exactly what is being said? How do you know if it is mostly one-sided (H is sending her stuff, but she rarely replies)? You don't know a lot so if you are going to bust the D and especially do something like go to a person's pastor or friends without those facts, it just makes you look bad.

You are definitely going to do what you want to do, but truly think about what your reason is for doing this and be honest. Do you want to bust the A to help your marriage? And if so will this really help H get help with his depression? Is this one of the strategies you read about for talking to someone with depression?

Do you want to bust the A to get back at OW? Do you want to make her life miserable?

One last story from my past, one year and one week ago OW and H were in my house together in the basement. At the time I knew H was starting to like OW, but I had been through this before and thought I might try a different strategy and befriend OW so maybe to stop the EA before it started. I could hear them talking about me and bad things. I kept going downstairs and at one time I found them in a kiss. They of course denied it, but I went straight upstairs got S and left for the park. (I never argue in front of S). I also found out that weekend that one of H and OW's coworkers called OW's H to tell him OW was having an A with my H. I found out which coworker it was and also found that same weekend (my birthday by the way) that H sent a text to OW to move money from his account because I was about to refinance. So I did what I thought I had to do, which was called the coworker. I asked if she had noticed anything fishy going on. She said no, and then it got around H's work that I called the coworker...and to finish H almost lost his job, but didn't because OW (although she would have lost her job anyway) sacrificially resigned so H could keep his. It all just brought them closer together. Now I called the coworker to honestly find out some information. It was the beginning of the EA before I thought there was an EA, and when I heard that OW's H got a call...well I thought maybe there is something I needed to know because I now know the EA was going on months before this point and I never knew. I called the coworker to find out some information, not to hurt H or to hurt OW. I have actually done some crazy things to prove I am not out to get either of them although she thinks I am trying to ruin her life. She resigned willingly so she will never know if they would have lost their jobs (she was working way below her degree anyway), and she now can't keep a job (not my fault at all). Because of that incident is why H officially moved out.

I know your H is already out of the house, but really think about your motives. You really have no hard evidence about what is going on right now, and I don't recommend snooping to find some. Take a step back and think of what you are doing through H's eyes (like your DB coach said). IF you do this, how will he think of you? How will this affect his will to want to come back?

Good Luck!