You are all correct. Today is not the day to beat myself silly with the mistakes that I have made but it is the day to look at where I went wrong and to make sure that I am moving forward with my healing and growth. I clearly push the timeline forward with my snoopping and anger. I did not detach fast enough I did not let go quick enough. No my male pride controlled my emotions and therein lies the root of the problem. My actions more recently have reflected the new me. The changes that I need to make will take time. Although I feel hurt right now I will no divert my focus off of making these changes. I will leave the legal stuff to the L. I will instruct the L to be fair. I do not want a war here. This is a time for me to show myself and my W the man that I am becomming. If she chooses to see it then amen, if not then amen as well.
Life is strange sometimes. Quite often we need to be totally broken to see what really needs to be fixed. I hit the totally broken state several weeks back and now it is time to deal with the consequences of my actions, which although understandable where not done well.
I SO APPRECIATE everyones advise and feedback. This is now a major turning point in defining who Eric has become.
Thanks for your words Mila.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I hope you handle your news better than I did when I got mine. Lessons learned and all that...
So this will be a pretty stiff test for you Eric. How do you do the right thing in the face of a pending divorce action?
Many decisions will be coming your way, especially if your wife chooses to aggressively pursue this divorce. As I believe Kerry pointed out, just reading the divorce complaint can easily push any of us to an action that we will later regret.
Without the focus on you and the truly important things in your life, it will be easy to let the "little boy" voice inside of you lead you astray.
Your mistakes do not require that you now sacrifice yourself at the altar of her divorce.
At the same time, a man of integrity and noble character does not seek to punish just because a wounded person makes the decision to punish him.
Your question...the one you should ask yourself every time you are confronted with some of the ugliness of this process...is a simple one.
What is the right thing to do?
The extremes are to fold and capitulate to her every demand, or to fight back tooth and claw to give back to her every difficulty she gives to you.
The right thing to do will lie somewhere between those two extremes.
The issue is NOT what response will appeal to her - I hope that by now you would not fall in to THAT trap. She is not really the issue here at all. You cannot control her decisions/actions and I think you are well aware of that by now.
But nothing you do as you navigate your way through this thing holds the potential for permanent damage as long as you choose to do the RIGHT thing.
Right is never wrong. Even if a troubled person ACTS like it is wrong.
I'm sorry for the pain this brings to you and your family.
At the same time I can't wait to see how the man you are becoming will use this horrible situation to shine.
Blessings,
Bill
Last edited by Bworl; 04/19/1011:35 PM.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I never received D papers because I was the one to file. Lawyers fill it out in boilerplate fashion asking for everything. Mine had me as having 100% custody, and my W, who makes 8 times less than myself, was to pay me child support. My L also filed a protective restraining order to keep the status quo so that she could not move the kids out of the house (which she no longer lived in). I will says that as the petitioner, one does have some advantage initially since the respondent starts out on the defensive. But D proceedings take quite a bit of time for a good reason.
I tried to let her know before she received the petition that I was willing to negotiate and divide things equally. However, she literally had a cow when she read the legal D petition. After some time, she realized I was a fair guy.
Dont let the legal stuff get to you. It is ridiculous at the start. Do as Bworl advises and pick your battles carefully. Remain strong and dont compromise your values, but also go forth such that you are not an a$$hole.
Bill - Thank you for your response. As usual you touch on key points that help me on this journey of growth and change that I am on.
So far I think I have handled this as the "new Eric". I had previously instructed my attn to be fair and resonable in any corespondance and interaction with my W attny. I will remain a gentlemen during this process. I am not planning on acting as the sacrifical lamb but will protect the interest of me and my kids. The one area where I will not budge is my desire to have my kids 50 pct of the time.
I will own my issues and role in the breakdown of my M. I will face the consequences whatever they are with dignity and class.
Right now I am very focused on healing and releasing my anger. I DO NOT want to carry the burden of self pity, anger and resentment with me for the rest of my life. I understand that this will take time to work out but I am ready.
Doing what is right will be the approach that I use. I need to make sure that whatever I do I do with Everyones (including my own) best interest at heart.
Right now I am also dealing with FEAR - Yes I have no issue saying that I am afraid of the unknown. I AM THOUGH , FACING my fear which is Good.
Kerry - once again thanks. I will instruct my L to focus first on the parenting plan.
Lost - Thank you, I will FACE this - I will not run - I will take responsibility of MY issues and I WILL SURVIVE!
God Bless and thank you Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Kerry - thanks again for the advice. I will try and see if we can arrange to resolve the custody issues first and then work on the more complex financial aspects.
Funny I just saw W at home and we had a brief pleasent conversation about my dog. I am hopeful that we can try and resolve this issue as friendly and nice as possible. In terms of the actual legal doc. Your insight is also invaluable. I expect that the doc could be brutal but I will not take it personal.
I have to say I feel really weird right now. Almost like I have been hit with the reality of all of this. In some weird way I also feel grateful for what she has done, which is force me to rerally look at my issues. In a way she has helped me change.
I think my biggest concern right now is how the kids, especially my 8 year old D will take this. I know I cannot control how they will react but I do wonder.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I am now in an interest place. I'm not sure that this is "acceptance" per se but I feel like I know what to expect. I know that the anger that I may feel will need to be dealt with. I know that I will need to continue to work on me and that this work does not end in a day or a month or a year. I know that I MUST be happy and that that happiness is my responsibility. I also feel like I finally understand what it is like to love someone enough to allow them to make there own choices.
For the first time in my life I feel like an ADULT. Am I a little worried about the impact this will have on my life? Yes.
Ya know...when I came here several months ago - i did not think I was going to make it. I now know that I will.
In terms of the D process - I have not heard back from my L and will really not pursue it. I have learned to the let things happen in there natrual pace.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric - you are doing great!!! I'm amazed how much progress you've made. You have done tons of work on yourself and that's really helping you to remain strong and detached. Keep on that path, give her space, love her from a distance and watch what unfolds.
Quote:
Right now I am very focused on healing and releasing my anger. I DO NOT want to carry the burden of self pity, anger and resentment with me for the rest of my life
That is so important if you want to move forward. Some people have hard time accomplishing that. But I have no doubt that YOU will do just fine
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
