Still keeping the PMA going for the most part. I have made some significant changes in my perspective of my self, what I deserve, etc. There have been some real breakthroughs for me that I know will have long lasting changes. The support here, and one friend, in particular (you know who you are ) has helped me create this change for myself. I am so grateful.
My current mantra is I AM WORTH IT!
I am actually starting to believe it.
OK... so that is the good.
Current struggle for me is that all of this has helped bring to the surface the anger at my H. Now, I don't think that is a bad thing. This is helping to create the opportunity for change... in my own self perception and in my motivation/ability to set boundaries with him. That is good.
The struggle is finding healthy outlets for the anger and finding ways to process it during piecing. Sometimes the anger is so intense it leads me to thinking I am not going to keep working on this.
Yesterday, I was driving my D13 and two of her friends to the mall and something came on the radio about Sandra Bullock/Jesse James. The girls started talking about how they would never let a man cheat on them and if that ever happened they would kick him to the curb. My D13 said, "I would never take that... he would be gone."
My heart sank. My D13, who absolutely adores her dad, has no idea what he spent the last year doing. If she ever finds out she will be crushed. And what will she think of me that I took him back? What am I teaching her? My brain was going a mile a minute about all this in the middle of the night and I hardly slept.
Anyway... my H is returning from his business trip either tonight or tomorrow (there have been flight delays) and I am in this strange place emotionally. On the one hand, I am full of PMA and feeling better about myself than I have in a long time, if ever! OTOH, I am full of anger and indignation and want to tell him to take a hike until he works his own chit out and can treat me the way I deserve to be treated... if I'd even take him back then.
He told me recently that one of the things he always wanted from me that apparently I was not good at was greeting him... both on an everyday basis after work, and especially after a trip like this. Apparently OW would scream and run and jump into his arms and he told me he loved that. That is not me. But, I could make more of an effort in this area. It's just that right now with the anger that's come up... I frankly don't want to.
) has helped me create this change for myself. I am so grateful.
and he told me he loved that. That is not me. But, I could make more of an effort in this area. It's just that right now with the anger that's come up... I frankly don't want to.
