feel like giving up - pt 2

[motherof3]

Sounds like it is your turn to receive a hug.

(((Luv)))

[alice444]

I guess I should tell you guys what happened yesterday. ...
I told him everything I needed to get off my chest. It was about 45 mins of me telling him what I liked about our marriage and what I didn't like. I explained to him I would not let him rewrite our history - he agreed. I brought up what he's been doing and he still avidly denies any PA. I do not believe that for one second.

Wow, yes, I'm glad you filled us in- this is a lot. Was D in the car while you were talking? I'm glad you got a chance to speak your piece. I think all of us need to do this and be heard at some point- whether it sinks in or not with them. Did it feel good or anything to get it out there? He probably feels guilty when he thinks about what kind of man he is to be in a PA and will deny it vehemently.

He is involved with some other woman now and not the original one (I think) He was at her house till 4am on a friday night then again till midnight on that next Monday so something is definately going on. He swears he's done nothing and says he's tired of me accusing him ha! who's tired?

Oh jeez, that is so hard, I don't know how you deal with this, Luv. I can't even imagine what you've gone through due to him.

He said one thing that hurt bad but what did I expect? I said, "you have abandoned me and the kids" he said, "I don't appreciate you saying I abandoned the kids..I want to be here I just don't want to be with you." ouch - last nail driven in. I said, "where does this anger come from?" I said, "what did I do to you?" he replies, "nothing I'm just done."

I got a similar one from my H when I said "it seems like you are trying to get away from me and D when you go hide in your video games" and he said "No, just trying to get away from YOU." So I feel your pain. I think they pick the most hurtful thing they can to tell us- even if it's not true. This man loved you once, I'm sure. His behavior now leaves a lot to be desired.

He kept saying "why are you referring to this being the last time you talk to me?" I thought to myself...why do you care I thought you were done!

Again, I totally understand. Like why did my H search all over to find me here in DB and read my thread? They don't want us, so why do they Fing care????

Or they don't WANT us, want us, but they want the things we do for them- drive to the airport, etc. Why they don't realize they can't continue to have those things if they reject us is beyond me.

Anyway he said he understood (with some of the things I told him) and I gave him a goodbye - the last hug he will ever get from me

A very sad Luv....

I'm so, so sorry Luv. Those "lasts" are heartbreaking to think about- whether you know they're the last or not. It may not be the last- but maybe for awhile- and I'm glad you got it in for YOU, so you have it to remember, even if it's terribly sad right now.

Keep journalling and giving us details over the weekend--

((((Luv))))

[CityGirl]

I am sorry you are so sad (((hugs to you))).

I am also so pleased you finally called your H out on all this BS with multiple affairs.

This will be okay. It doesn't feel like it now but it will be. It will take a while (trust me, I am the original hot mess so I know these things but life will be beautiful again. We don't even have to know HOW it will be beautiful but it will be.

[CityGirl]

And... laughter is such an important part of this process. I know you know how to laugh!

We are human beings and not robots. If we did not cry and feel sad then how to we get to the next phase? I don't think it's possible to do so in a healthy way.

We are here for you!

[Onthemountaintop]

"where does this anger come from?" I said, "what did I do to you?" he replies, "nothing I'm just done."

This is an interesting statement. Wouldn't you have expected him to list something? Instead, he said 'nothing'. Sounds like guilt or something else that is keeping him from any kind of connection. That is so sad for both of you. You still need to do something. Is there any kind of 180 that you could present with or after the D papers, if you choose to still give them.

I got a similar one from my H when I said "it seems like you are trying to get away from me and D when you go hide in your video games" and he said "No, just trying to get away from YOU."

Alice & Luv:

I don't make excuses for this, but I said something like that to my W before. While I can apologize and I recognize that lashing out had no place, I know that it was emotion speak, not real words of disgust. Really, the words were likely saying, "you are making me feel so bad about myself I want you to back off", but it is one of those things that a dog backed into a corner does - mean and violent barking.

I don't know, but I suspect that as time heals wounds, your H and Luvless' also will or did regret those awful words. But look at our role models on TV? Hardly the models we get from religious scriptures, are they?

Anger is glorified, but rarely does it get what we want. It is claimed to make one feel better and for those filled with rage, it may. For me, I think speaking and acting with anger just makes things worse - ESPECIALLY when they are deserved but the reciever is in semi-denial.

He kept saying "why are you referring to this being the last time you talk to me?" I thought to myself...why do you care I thought you were done!

He wouldn't ask if he didn't care.

Yes, H like me love feeling cared for and loved (appreciated) and doing favors makes us feel that way. We may end off taking it for granted. When my W and I separated the first time, she wanted to do my laundry and everything. So sometimes, the expectations come because they keep coming, but again, it makes us feel valued. Cutting off that emotion won't make problems go away.

Funny the hug came up as the last one. It need not be. I've had two 'last hugs', but the good feeling it gave made me more determined to try convincing W to give 'us' another chance. Did I succeed? Not yet. But, after the 12th time in 4 months she asked for a separation/divorce, this time she came to me asking me to reconsider when I said I would give it to her.

Obviously, an affair changes that.

Luv, I don't want you to refeel emotions you've been struggling with, so ignore my request if it would be too painful. If it is not, could you list all the reasons that are facts leading you to believe he is having an affair? The reason I ask is that while denial means nothing (I think Puppy said something like they always lie), some of the things you've said your H has done or said just don't make sense. The last thing you'd want is to serve papers only to realize later that he's in some MLC or something.

[luvless]

OT - I don't mind answering your questions but "he wouldn't ask if he didn't care?" I'm not sure I believe that. I'm an action speaks louder than words person. His actions shows me he doesn't care.

My soon to be X husband (from day one) had ow written all over him. When he started out telling me he wasn't "happy" I knew right there he was at least talking or interested in someone....or she may have been rubbing his ego. He would have never said anything like to me if there wasn't. He is a loser and needs someone else. He doesn't have the balls to leave and be on his own to work his problems out. He hates to be by himself.

Facts? I don't want to be specific here but I have them. He is seen with ow outside of work...always coming home late..hiding expenses..locking phone...all classic signs. Recently this new ow well..he was at her house till 4am - no good can come out of that. PLUS I smell it all over him. He can't look at me..is so distant. He still wants sex sometimes but only when he's been drinking because he can't sober.

He is definately in a MLC if you look back I mentioned that. His mom died in 06 and it really affected him. She abandoned him at 10 and he wasn't close to her but it's made him deal with issues he can't handle but NO excuses for ruining our family and our marriage.

OT - he said he was done and has not shown me he cares about my feelings so I will divorce him and give him what he wants...happiness.

Thank you for your input.

Luv

[soleil]

Did you file for a D?

[luvless]

SoL - No I haven't filed yet but very soon.

I forgot to tell you guys one thing I thought was interesting. I have never...in all the talks we've had..agreed with H that this marriage was over. One of the last things I told him was, "you're right this is over and I deserve better." He got very angry when I said that.

[LSG]

luvless,

I hope you are doing okay today. I know it is a very difficult time for you. When he was angry, what did he say or do?

How did you handle his response?

You have my support for your sitch.

Be kind to yourself always!!!

[luvless]

LSG - thanks so much. I'm doing better today..not one tear plus I don't feel that awful sadness inside. I know it's just for the moment but I'll take it. It must be all your prayers

When he gets angry I tell him to calm down and talk in a normal manner like an adult. He will back down most of the time.

Thank you for your support. It's greatly needed.