Soaring Solo 2010

[Gypsy]

Hi Gardener,

Your former spouse made some salient points:

-find out if there's increased liability and insurance (if necessary) before anyone can move in.

-No one can move in without a formal lease—even month-to-month.

-Require a signature from the homeowner.

However, once the divorce decree is signed, any changes require a modification in which both parties appear in court before the judge (after filing the appropriate paperwork) and swear that both understand and agree to the modification. Or perhaps with just the mediator. Additionally a quick letter to your lawyer will give you a basis on how to proceed. A simple no would probably suffice. However, any change requires YOUR involvement which you are not obligated to participate in.

It is your right to determine how your former spouse contacts you. I thought at some point you'd told her that any meetings would take place away from the home. It is inappropriate for her to show up at your door whenever she wants.

Focusing on the present, taking accountability and being realistic of the past provides a firm foundation for healing and moving forward.

It was very hard for me to give up the image I believed to be true of my marriage. After thwacking that dead horse til it was glue and beyond, still took time. The belief of the incredible beauty of your relationship was once true. However, the reality of what it devolved to is harder to shake. I needed to believe my rose colored glasses scenario to survive a bad situation.

Let go of the seventeen agreements that were not met, etc. It's old news and has no effect on her actions.

Strip the emotion, the rose colored glasses. Things were not perfect for 17 years. Each of you went through extreme turmoil during the union which was not resolved.

It broke. It wasn't (or couldn't be fixed). It ended.

To paraphrase what a fellow poster (kml?) said, her former spouse was so unhappy, he had to gnaw his arm off to get away.

It hurts. Your new counselor sounds good. Do what it takes to be healthy. To stop falling on the sword which keeps hurting you.

Define your boundaries for what works for you, not what accommodates her. You still give her the power to yank your chain. Make your own decisions. Decide what works for you.

[hoosiermama]

I'll try anything at this point. Doesn't the statue have to be in a certain location or facing a certain direction or something?

I've heard upside down and facing away from the house. The basic concept is that you must make him uncomfortable. Let me just say that this is Catholic culture, not doctrine!! However, it works. You can generally go to a Catholic bookstore or supply store and they have small plastic statues for just this purpose. Then, once it sells, you're supposed to excavate him and place him in a place of honor. I'm jus' sayin'.

[avermont]

Oh, ugh, Gardener.

I did rent out the spare bedroom. My lawyer cautioned against it--probably for the same reasons--more income off the place--but I really did it for the company.

Having read your note, now I am terrified that this will somehow be a problem in the house/property division. I think I will try to preclude that by giving up on arguing over the joint account--like you, I have put in almost ALL the money (and of course the apartment rentals) that is in the account now. And X is claiming half as his. Fine. Take it. I'll do whatever it takes to build cash back up again.

I can only hope that seeing your X behave in this way helps even more to let go of the love and life that was. The one you loved has so clearly died, if you will. You can mourn that person, and continue moving on.

This other wacko stranger who keeps showing up and making demands--you don't need to worry about her feelings at all. Your return email was FINE. No need anymore for the patient 48 hours waiting.

Sorry you have to keep dealing with this. I say bury St. Joseph, flowers, vanilla, and feng shui all the way to get the place sold. The good care and work you put into the place just adds to your karmic balance. The house knows you are taking good care of it.

[Gardener]

G-Woman,
Thank you for your input and always-wise advice. You should know, however, that I agree with the three salient points:

Your former spouse made some salient points:
-find out if there's increased liability and insurance (if necessary) before anyone can move in.
-No one can move in without a formal lease—even month-to-month.
-Require a signature from the homeowner.

But not that

The proceeds should be shared by us both.

Especially when absolutely nothing pertaining to this house has been "shared by us both" in 18 months. Not a dime -nor a lifted finger - from she who expects her 50% of the proceeds.
Two more emails were exchanged and now I am done. Their abridged versions follow:

"I am relieved that you will not pursue renting without following the proper procedures." You misunderstand: I will no longer pursue renting, period. This in light of your expecting to share in the proceeds of my advertising it, showing it and living with a total stranger while you, just as in preparing the house for sale, do nothing and contribute nothing to the process.On Monday, I declined an offer from a student who would rent the rooms if I were to buy/provide an inexpensive bed. After receiving your email last night, I cancelled (Name), a "professional from Danbury doing Graduate work at UCONN" who was all set to take it for a minimum of four months (or less, of course, if it were to be sold in the interim). This morning I removed the ad from craigslist.
"I will not look to you to reimburse me for expenses that I have incurred from moving, cleaning, and painting 2 times in less than a year."
I believe I moved you expense-free the first time. And I'm neither co-owner of nor am realizing any (increased) profit from the level of care or improvements you made to your two apartments Yet you will benefit from the untold hours, work and meticulous care I put into improving and staging this property since it was placed on the market.Henceforth I will be extending no further effort other than mowing the lawn and keeping the interior clean and "show-ready." The D states: "Gardener shall continue to cooperate in the efforts to sell the home by keeping the home and property prepared for all showings..." Clear enough. But I maintain that eighteen months and two apartments later is more than ample time for you to be keeping all your boxes in storage here in the basement. This clause should include keeping the basement uncluttered. I have been doing this by removing my stuff in order to make it look larger to prospects. I believe it is past time that you do the same by removing your stored boxes to your own home. I will, however, abide by Mediator's interpretation of this.

Henceforth I will be extending no further effort other than mowing the lawn and keeping the interior clean and "show-ready."

"I will pursue the matter legally — #4. You will be notified when the hearing is scheduled."
I have no idea to what you are referring with this, nor do I care. The #4 I referenced was from The D: "If X seeks to go to the home, she will contact Gardener first." and is one of the five categories of contact I stated I will accept and respond to.

Schedule your hearing.

Goodbye.

And I agree with everything else you advise, Gypsy. Thank you.p.s.: How are you feeling? How's the bronchial asthma? Gone, I hope.

[Gardener]

Well, lo and behold, three hours after my last email to her, X sends me an email:

Subject: I don't want any of the rent money.

Wonder who got to her? Mediator? Certainly not her non-existent sense of fair play, that's for sure.

[Gardener]

aver,
Let me tell you: your post was a post that, simply put, just made me feel so good.
Thank you.

[ClingingToHope]

I know I'm in the minority here but some of your emails seemed to be awfully angry. It's not the level-headed Gardener I know from the boards.

[Gardener]

CTH,

I know I'm in the minority here but some of your emails seemed to be awfully angry. It's not the level-headed Gardener I know from the boards.

You think so? Well, I'm always willing to examine a well-meaning observation, but in the last week I got (really) peeved only twice. Having come upon the idea of relieving dire financial sitch by renting 2nd Master Bedroom Suite, X (showing up unannounced) first announces that that means she'll have to "credit me with less $ when the house sells," and then last night she demands a portion of the rent proceeds if I do rent it (after contributing not a cent to this house in a year and a half!)

Frankly, after examining both my posts and my heart, those were the only two things that "set me off" in quite a while. Lately the alien life-form comes out of left field and it's always about money, money, money!

And this from the end of last night's livid post:

And, funny, but my one post tonight (before getting that email) was going to be, simply: "Realized today that I have actually been feeling quite happy lately. Boy, it's been a while!"

(Actually, still am, despite this)

Thanks, CTH. I'll give that some more thought, even though I thought I'd reached an even keel lately (except for last $unday and la$t night!)

Gotta go. Rene Marie and Awoken just started playin' on the ipod!

[flowmom]

(((Gardener))) so triggering. Wise words from Gypsy.

[Gardener]

Thanks, fm,
And after all that greedy nonsensical back and forth, she flips on a dime shortly thereafter:

Well, lo and behold, three hours after my last email to her, X sends me an email:

Subject: I don't want any of the rent money.

I think my being so strident spooked her. Especially with the "don't contact me anymore unless...Goodbye" For sure, it wasn't her sense of fair play or sudden reasonableness.
Go figure.
Actually, I don't even try to figure anymore.