tired of trying...

[beingreal]

Thank you Gr8, I really appreciate it.

I figured a lot of it was because of our situation. I tried so hard for so long to make him feel like the *man* of the house. He'd get mad because he felt I was patronizing & stop helping around the house--it was the only thing he felt he could control. So I'd back off & start doing everything myself which just made me more of a bitch in his eyes because I didn't respect him enough to handle things. After awhile I just started to shut down. It didn't matter, everything that was wrong was my fault.

I've been asking him for years to get checked out because there is something wrong, I'm sure. He answer is usually to tell me that I'm his only problem. I hope someone can get through to him--for his own sake.

H has actually had a problem with substance abuse in the past. Once before he met me, and again while we were married. I work in the medical field & I can honestly say I never saw it. He was just that good at hiding it. When he told me my first reaction was to help him through this, to keep our family together. Not self pity, or even anger--I mean I was angry at him for putting us through that, but I never considered leaving him over it. That part still surprises me. I stood by him and supported him in every way I could while he was doing outpatient treatment. We'd been through the good, that was just part of the *for worse*.

He was clean and sober for well over a year and a half. Then it was a beer here and there. I wasn't happy--we'd totally gone dry in our house. He didn't drink, I didn't drink. I don't have a drinking problem--I have trouble finishing beer #2, but there is a ton of alcoholism on both sides of my family. Not in my immediate family, but I saw how my grandfather's drinking destroyed my father's family. My mother's family was more the happy-go-lucky kind of drunks. Don't care--didn't need it in my house. Go figure, I wasn't raised by addicts, but I ended up marrying one.

Anyway--H & his best pal got this crazy idea to start making their own wine. Yeah, I know--that's what I said. He didn't make tons, he gave most of it away and he seemed to be enjoying it--even proud of it. So...whatever. I watched him, but didn't let him know.

Then wine making turned to beer making & he would typically drink a couple a night. Not enough to get drunk on--but who knows what else that lead to? He very well may have a drug problem again. I can only guess at this point.

And yes--he's been doing this for almost 25 years, he really is *that* good at hiding it.


He never really said he wanted out. He will tell anyone who will listen that I threw him out. He'd tell me he wanted out only when we were fighting, and even then I think it was only to scare me. I'm the one who wanted out. And I'd told him before that I love him, I just didn't like who he's become. That only starts a whole new barrage of how controlling I am, and how I want him under my thumb and how he's only the babysitter. The night he left he told me to bring him divorce papers, he'd sign them because he f&^%ing hated me.

He's said he doesn't love me anymore. I think that's a lie. I think he'd like to pretend he doesn't, it would hurt me. And it did. But his way of showing me love is not at all acceptable. I won't stand for it. I won't let my children see it. I do not deserve it.

Sorry this one got so long, too. lol I'm a bit wordy.

There are so many options to choose from: stress, anxiety, fear, anger, drugs, alcohol. Who knows? Maybe I really am a controlling bitch. But I don't think so. Not unless you can define it as someone who stands up for what's right, no matter how hard it is.

I'm going to catch up on your sitch, too.

I have so much to learn.