Thanks Aver & Kara, Excellent suggestions! Kara, I'll think you'll be proud of my activity, I went Fri. night to watch my brother's band & had a nice conversation with a male acquaintance (he's a friend of my bro-in-law). He's divorced (after 23 yrs.!) Nothing going on there, (believe me I am so not ready for any of that!) but like everyone says it's nice to just have a conversation in a social setting w the opposite sex.
The thing I felt good about was I went by myself, which I haven't really done in the past yr. This is something I often did in my younger days - if I felt like going somewhere, I just went. Mostly a product of my friends being married w kids!
So baby steps for me - breaking out of the cloister!
Sat. more cleaning/purging but did see family & also Sunday, big Easter get together at sisters.
I also looked at my S agrmt. this weekend & realized I dont' have decide value of the house right now.
I don't know why I'm wavering on asking H to pay 1/2 the L fees & more than 1/2 on the cr card debt. WHy does it feel rotten to me? Aver, this is where I feel similar to you in that I don't want my final legacy of this M to be I lowered myself to going tit for tat in the D.
What I keep coming back to is that I need to protect myself financially b/c H is definitely not going to & if I don't ask for everything I think is fair I may regret it down the road. It sure feels rotten though.
I see he took $400 out of the savings, and I am trying not to pay attention but it seems he has not been there since Thurs or Friday. May have taken a little trip hmmmm? With $$ from the savings!
This is why I can't stand being here. NC but yet I'm aware of his comings & goings, something I haven't been for a year. It's intolerable. Detach, detach detach!!!
Ok, What have I always wanted to do? Go to Europe maybe. Right now I'd settle for a trip to NYC, where I have been before, but it's been a very lonnnnggg time. Some type of trip would be good. :-)
I like the china suggestion, very cool. It is kind of fun to shop for dishes, house stuff. Even though it'll be at Target w my budget!
So this coming weekend, more purging, packing in earnest. And something fun, maybe a movie.
I would like to hear about your weekends, too. I hope you're both doing well. Thanks stopping by & keeping that fire under my backside (((()))))
You did well this weekend! Great job on the GALing. Didn't it feel great to get out?
You can handle your H being next door. Remember, BE STRONG. Don't take his comings and goings to heart. Detach, tune it out, you are concentrating on YOUR life. I know it is not easy at first. But it can be done. Mind over matter.
I had a great weekend. Church, shopping, a girls' night dinner and movie.
Hey, there's some great stuff at Target. The trick to life is to know how to mix higher end stuff (you may already have) and more economical stuff. I love a good bargain. It always feels like a personal triumph . And at the rate I like to shop I NEED good bargains ever so often.
I'll be shopping for dishes at Target, too! Wait, we don't have Target here in VT. Well, Kohls or whatever.
The regular dishes are a set from his mom, so I am going to offer them to him.
My dad came thru with an offer of some $, so I will use that for cheap furnishing so things aren't sitting on the floor.
I will be right there with you, LFA, this weekend packing and purging, in our parallel universe. My idea is to move all of his stuff, and the "our" stuff, to the garage. I WILL not have OW and the friend who enabled the affair coming in to help move stuff. And I can only imagine that's the only friends he has to help. So in the garage we can debate who gets what.
So--yes--pack and purge. And you and I both take a trip to Target type places. Maybe even the consignment/reuse shop. It is chic to have mix/match stuff.
I'm so glad you got out this weekend to hear music, and chat with a member of the opposite sex. Baby steps! remembering how it is to chat, and laugh, and maybe flirt a bit. Open up that fun and sexy part of your heart again.
The money stuff sure is hard. I don't know the fair way to divide up the joint bank account. I know my instinct is to do whatever is "easy" even if it hurts me financially in the short term. I just don't want his final memories of me to be "money grubbing" and--it hurts to say this--but as a Jew, the thought that a Christian might possibly think of me as "money grubbing" just resonates on a whole nother painful level. Genetic memory sort of thing.
Talk to your lawyer about all the financial stuff. Then you are getting objective advice, that separates your bad guilty feelings from the actual fairness of dividing up the assets of a marriage. Let the L tell you the right thing to do for YOU--and do that. Guilt feelings be damned. He walked out on you, right? with nary a word or a chance to work things thru?
My heart is with you on having to be aware of his comings/goings. It is asking nearly the impossible for you to detach under those circumstances. But you can ACT as if.
Hey, it is entirely possible for me to make a trip to NYC at the end of May. My sister has an apartment there, and a good friend's mother has a brownstone in the West Village. If you think you want to hit the big city, I would be happy to make plans to join you. I do so want to talk with you IRL.
Target is fine. New dishes are fun. New glasses, new wine glasses. Things you like in patterns you like. Imagine someone else having wine in the new wine glasses. Do you have a girlfriend or sister to go with you? Remember the excitement of outfitting a new apartment after college? Try to feel that again!
Well, I'm off to write the "dividing things up" email to X. Jeezum crow, wish me luck.
I haven't posted (on here) in a week. Sorry. Lots going on. Packing, began moving boxes over to my brother's house.
Had a mini-crisis last wk, when I checked our joint checking & savings. H had been withdrawing large amts. from the cking & the savings, $400 a pop. One was from an ATM in Las Vegas. So I was right about him being on vacation.
I emailed L & she asked how much was he taking, (about $1,500 since Mar. 15) & she wrote back that only thing I can do about him taking out large amounts of money is to file a complaint for divorce with restraining orders. Nice. At least only 1/2 my $ is in there. But the cash acct., the $ my mom left me, I need to close that ASAP. My fault partly b/c I have not gotten S agrmt. sent back sooner.
So then I saw he deposited $450, & told her I didn't want to do it yet. It totally made me sick But if more comes out I'm forced to do something.
Right now, though, I'm feeling kicked in the stomach. I emailed my L asking if we can somehow negotiate the house value $ & she didn't reply. She just emailed it back to me today with the 2009 (much lower) value amt.
Now I realize I may be naive about this, but that seems rude. It really hurt me - like she can't even pick up the phone or take time to email me back. Just this msg: "please review the attached and confirm that I may send it to his attorney.thanks."
So, I'll get $8K for the house I've pd. on for 11 yrs. If we had done this in '09, his payout would have been $15,200. I can't blame H for the bad housing mkt. but that just twists the knife. It kills me but I chose to not keep the house, & that is the right decision for me. Lucky for H, unlucky for me. What are you gonna do?
So, once I tell L the S agrmt. is OK, send it, that's it. It's all done except for the dissolution court date. Unless H challenges anything it. Don't know why he would, most everything's in his favor.
I'm really feeling down and alone right now. Guess I need more hand holding than my L can give. I did my best to try & pick someone competent I could trust. My C said she sounds very competent. It's just a very cold world, that's how it feels. I will try to call a friend or my sister.
Meanwhile, H is supposed to be doing the taxes & Apr. 15 is looming near. Guess I have to email him to check on this - I am supposed to approve before he sends. Hating my life right now. Sorry. Hugs to all.
I'm glad to hear from you and sorry you are in such a bad place right now. Hopefully this is the worst of the worst.
I haven't been able to post, or keep up, either, but I do keep checking for you.
Does it break all the DB board rules if I give you my cell#? Better to give out that private info on FB, but you aren't there, yet. I would so love to talk with you.
I don't suppose there is anything to say but to urge you to talk to friends, sisters, whomevers. You haven't mentioned much of a support group. Do you have a circle of friends that you have been able to lean on? or even a reliable one or two? You really need to be able to go sob on someone's shoulder in the real world, though of course all of us here are here for you, too.
I hope you can get the S. agreement through soon, so you can protect your money that you got from your mom.
My heart is with you--please keep moving ahead on the packing and moving so you can get out of the house. Making that change may do you a world of good.
Hey Aver, I'm OK! Sorry for not being around, after leaving such a negative post too. I was having a hard time & needed to vent. I really am better, just overwhelmed & dealing with the packing & moving of stuff etc.
Also dealing with finalizing the S agrmt., which my L is now sending to his, after she changed some wording around timing of resposibilities for the house.
I finally was like, OK send it already! I never want to look at that thing again. But of course I'll have to.
Are things going OK for you? I'm so sorry I haven't been on your (or anytone's) thread. I'll check in soon I promise!
Right, this is really the time for all the hard stuff, coming down at once it seems. Oh yeah, taxes too on top of it! Glad to say those are done & filed. Of course work has to be off the charts busy now - grrr... Once I get settled time to think about a vacation...
Am trying to GAL but it's hard or at least do 1 fun thing a wkend during this. Will post more hopefully tomorrow. ((((Hugs))))
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