I'm posting all of these non-significant events, but that's all that seems to be happening right now. It's good for me to keep recording these, so I can look back and monitor progress or the lack of it. And maybe it will help someone who is going through this stage of MLC with their spouse.
Stopped by H's apartment to give him the utility bill. He wanted to know how to send a Paypal payment to someone, I proceeded to guide him through it but he got really impatient and said that I should do it, he'll email me the info. I said fain, I don't mind. It seems like he gets really easily frustrated and impatient with the simplest tasks...like it's to much effort for him to deal with and since that's something he can trow my way...he does.
I said that I have to run to the bank and as I was leaving he said "How are you doing?" Not sure if he was referring to our situation or my health (bronchitis). I chose health. I said "I'm much better, how about you? Your eyes are kind of glossy do you still have fever?" Automatically I put my hand on his forehead to check. "No, I don't think you do" I said...He started to get very emotional and tears started to flow. I don't know if it was me touching him or my concern for him...He tried to recover and smiled at me and said "I'm OK". Well he didn't look OK....Wanted to hug him...felt sorry for him...but didn't. I smiled at him as well and left.
He called me twice since then... again about nothing important.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Last night at dinner time the doorbell rings, I open the door and my H stands there. He was a sorry picture…looked so down. He said, “I went for a walk and somehow ended up here. Could you give me a ride home, I’m cold and it’s very far”. (That was a very long walk from his apartment). I said “Sure, I’m just making dinner, but I can stop and take you home, or if you didn’t eat you can join us”. He gratefully accepted the invite. As he came in he said “Why are you so nice to me?” and started to cry, had to excuse himself because he couldn’t stop.
As he was pulling himself together I tried to make some upbeat small talk. Later he watched me make dinner and did the dishes for me. We opened a bottle of wine and talked about work. Then he said, “It’s not fair to you that I come here when I’m down like this”. I replied that I’m glad that he did and that he can come anytime. He started to cry again. I felt so sorry for him. I just blurted, “Can I give you a hug?” He said “I don’t know” But I was already hugging him. I think he was embarrassed for his “weakness” that he cried in front of me (man’s pride?)
Later we had a nice family dinner with D & her BF. After the kids left H surprised me when he asked, “Has OW’s H been calling you?” I said “Yes he called me couple of times, why do you ask?” He said, “Because I don’t know anything what’s going on there and you do”. I said “You didn’t talk to her since the break up? He replied “No”.
He asked, “When did the H call you? I said I don’t remember, sometimes around when you told me that it ended, he told me that he knew 2 weeks before she broke up with you that she is coming back home. H interrupted and said “The break up was mutual…he knew 2 weeks before?” I replied, “That’s what he said”. That surprised him.
I asked, “You still care about what’s going on with her? Are you hoping that she will call? He said, “ No, the break-up was mutual…. I don’t know why is this so hard, I just want to get over her so I can get on with my life” and he started to cry again.
I told him that it will take time, that it must be difficult what he is going through. He cried some more…so hard to watch…he seems in such an emotional distress.
I drove him home, he was rubbing my arm, was sadly smiling at me and thanking me while holding back tears. I truly feel for him, he seems in so much pain… I wish that I could help him …all I can do is just be there for him when he needs me.
He is obviously very depressed, struggling with his addiction to the OW and his guilt. Despite all the emotions, it felt good that he has actually reached out to me and opened up a bit. There was definitely some emotional intimacy between us and that’s progress
Last edited by Mila; 04/23/1002:21 PM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Not much going on in my sitch worth reporting. H just got back from vacation with ow and her family. Having to deal with kids whose feelings are hurt that dad never took a vacation with this family. That's about it for me.
Thanks for asking.
Last edited by seeking answers; 04/23/1003:14 PM. Reason: Needed to add some more
As you know I am not an expert but it seems like he is trying to work his way out. Personally, I think you are doing a great job giving him the space that he needs. You are showing him compassion, love and respect. You are doing great.
Sending you a ((( )))).
Finally, thank you for your post on my thread.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
SA - He is on some low dose AD to help him sleep. But apparently it's not enough. I brought it up yesterday and he said that he doesn't want to be drug-up. I really think that he needs something. I'll try again.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
SA - sorry about you sitch It must be though on the kids. I believe that my H has been in MLC for the past 4 years, one year out of that in the affair. So I think that there was some mild depression going on that he tried to cure with OW. His depression was quite obvious to me since I found out about the affair, but he was denying it. Now that he is really crashing he doesn't deny it anymore, so maybe he will get some medical help.
Eric - thank you for your encouragement...I need it
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila, Has your H ever had his testosterone levels checked? If not, it's a simple blood test. If it's low and he's given something to bring it up that might really help with his PMA.
I understand his depression over ow, but he has something much better to look forward to at home.
SA - Thank you, I agree this could be an issue. I brought up the testosterone testing few times over the past 6 months. He kept dismissing it. He did go for a full physical but didn't specifically ask for that. Maybe now is the time to bring that up again.
Quote:
I understand his depression over ow, but he has something much better to look forward to at home
He sure has
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
It must be though on the kids. 