tired of trying...

[beingreal]

Thank you gr8, I tried doing that yesterday--I'll have to make a more pointed effort of it from now on. And I'll have to remember what you said to your daughter about it being *their* time. That would be wise on my part to focus on them and their relationship when it comes to their time together. If I'm not even in the room when they are talking, I can't be accused to using their phone calls to get to him.

I moved some stuff around last night. I like it. I wonder if I'm just trying to keep myself busy so I don't really think about what's going on. I found some wedding pictures last night--we looked so happy. He looked so happy. Not with the perpetual scowl he's been wearing for so long now. That's the man I miss, the one in the pictures.

But I've been grieving that loss for a while now. Maybe that's why it's been so easy for me to let him move out this time--I'm mad at him for taking the man I loved away from me. The same way I'd be heartbroken and angry had he died in an accident because of a careless driver.

It might be easier if he was gone because of an accident. Or if there was another woman I could be angry with. But there's not. There's just him. And me. And the mess we made together.

I have no desire to rip up wedding pictures, or say horrible things about him public (although I was more than happy to say horrible things about him to his face). And I'm not ready to put those pictures away just yet, either.

I was reading on another section about handling the ambivalence you feel about not really wanting to get back together with your spouse. One poster said that you just let yourself feel the sadness and the emptiness without feeling the negativity of the problems you helped create. I think maybe that's why I'm starting to become sad--not angry or bitter. I've been angry & bitter for a few years already. My loving R/M was replaced with this noisy, ugly, stressful one--and now that noise has stopped, the sound of the silence is deafening.