How do I act?

[Surviving03]

Yeah... its tough... I am struggling to decide if this is what I want after all.... I knew a day would come that he would regret his decision, but I thought it would be MUCH later when I was already moved on....

I am terrified to be on this forum again down the road in this same boat again.... I know alot of people have overcome alot in their marriages, way worse than what we were going thru.... but my trust is still damaged and Im going to have a hard time feeling comfortable with his commitment to this marriage....

Is it normal for the WAS to just start diving right back into the marriage when they do come around... he talks almost like nothing ever happened... talks about life and our future together like nothing was ever wrong... is that normal??

For those with success stories... how is this done? How do we get back on track to where we are both happy and want this marriage, forever?

[steady]

I would imagine it's normal for them to dive right back in sometimes. I think Michelle addresses this in her book as one of the three things that may happen when you DB.

Take your H lead and go to the pastor for some counseling. You may need some professional marriage counseling also. I don't know because each situation is different.

Remember how you felt when your H dropped the bomb? Maybe you drawing that boundary and being totally willing to walk away from your M was a bomb for him. Didn't you jump right back in and try to 'fix' things?

You're outside my area of advice as my sitch went south and continues in that direction. Hopefully someone who has some experience in this area will respond to you.

[Surviving03]

Thank you Steady, you always have great insight to offer....

Well, so far, still so good..... two whole days! thats a record for H! lol One thing I am learning is that when I try to talk to H about the situation still, I can see that he is willing to talk thru the emotions for so long, and then I can see that same old familiar look creeping over his face of annoyance that we are STILL talkin about this stuff.... which of course drives me crazy cause it is things I need some answers to, or at least I think I do. BUT, I know one of his orginial complaints in the marriage was that I make everything "an issue" and he felt we had conversations like this all the time about old issues, its like he just wants to talk about it once, and thats it... and he might be right... who wants to sit and talk about the same old crap 100 times... not H! lol... so i decided that I am not going to talk about the stuff anymore until I get that book in the mail "Getting thru to the Man you Love" cause what I do... doesnt work. I am also going to save the issues directly related to this bomb for counseling.

H agreed to start going to church with me, so that was nice.... thank goodness the service here starts at 6pm, cause if it was too early in the morning that would be a no go! lol

I can see that H really wants to try... I saw last night that it was getting hard for him when I kept talking all night about this situation.. I am going too much too soon I think....

[steady]

one thing you need to know is there is a difference between a man and a woman when it comes to 'talking'. It has been my experience (people please don't jump me) that men like to talk about exchanging information. Women, on the other hand, create relationships with talking.

Men will work through their problems with logic, etc.. women will talk through their problems. It's different ways of dealing with things. When I have a whole lot going on I usually like to be alone and reflect...too much outside interference becomes stressful because it interferes with my processing. Women tend to flock toward the company of their support to talk out their issues. Again, people, don't kick my a$$ on this. Thanks.

If you are going over the same thing over and over this is definitely going to turn your husband off.

Instead, let me ask you this:

What is it that you aren't getting from him which causes you to talk about the same thing over and over?

My W had said at one point that I was repeating myself. I turned around and said, "I think I'm repeating myself because you are not indicating to me that you are hearing what I'm saying". This is just one example.

There is some reason you are seemingly beating a dead horse (from your H position). Leave the R talks for now. But think about what your are not getting when you rehash these issues.

Focus on being the best woman you can be. Just work on having fun right now. The answers you are seeking will come.

Sometimes we get so absorbed in 'fixing' everything that it becomes our only focus point and it gets exhausting. Have fun. Enjoy both of your new found 'awakedness' of the relationship. Keep the R talks to a minimum I think.

You are both emotionally exhausted. Why not try to recharge each others batteries?

[Surviving03]

you are 100% correct.... and I know this is true... and I definitly do continue to beat a dead horse alot... and I get it from my mother! lol She is terrible with this, with anyone in her life, not just my dad... and when she does it, I cant stand it either...

You are right, I just need to have fun with this right now... make him feel comfortable in choosing to stay in the marriage and with me. Make him feel like he did make the right decision, not the wrong one! I have a fear of making this too easy for him, thats what my problem is... I fear that I will get walked all over if I make this too easy for him.....

But I do want to have fun, and finally be able to enjoy my H being home from deployment

[LSG]

Just to find the happy middle for both of you. BTW, he did make the right decision to stay with you and you know it. He also knows it too.

Your sitch is going to even continue with him back too for awhile. Give it time! It will improve, and you will know what to do.

[Surviving03]

well... again... update:

Still so far so good... taking this day by day... H talked to me today about taking leave to go home to finally see his daughter... I said well when do you plan on leaving? He said, what do you mean when I plan, when do you want to go?? So we are going to take that trip home together after all

I went to IC today, I went to the same counselor that we went to originally since he knows all about the situation. He was shocked to say the least of H new revelations, and advised me to remain a little cautious... but did express to me that these things can be over come and our M will be much stronger after this experience if we make it thru. Originally H had told me that he wants to go to the Chapel for counseling and not back to this guy, I asked him today if he would reconsider even just going to this guy once or twice with me cause I really like him and then we can go to the chapel after that, and he very willingly agreed today. So that was nice

It is nice to be in the house with H and feel that affection that I used to.... and have him continualy reaffirm that he is sure about this decision... feels good.... I hope that in a few months or so I can post a success story that I really feel comfortable with

[steady]

you are 100% correct.... and I know this is true... and I definitly do continue to beat a dead horse alot... and I get it from my mother! lol She is terrible with this, with anyone in her life, not just my dad... and when she does it, I cant stand it either...

A majority of our issues can be traced back to our parents. They were our role models for relationships and we inherit their traits. 'The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree' and 'The sins of the father shall be visited upon the son' are ways in which this has been expressed.

You either inherit the traits or you go complete opposite. Like the child who grows up in an alcoholic home who swears off drinking. Or the child of a controlling parent either becomes a controller or a victim.

... make him feel comfortable in choosing to stay in the marriage and with me. Make him feel like he did make the right decision, not the wrong one! I have a fear of making this too easy for him, thats what my problem is... I fear that I will get walked all over if I make this too easy for him.....

I would take a long hard look at this in individual therapy if I were you. When you use this terminology I see someone who either is a people pleaser at their own expense; someone who holds off expressing their true self out of fear of the other persons reaction;someone who actually believes you can make someone feel something. It's also a sign of trying to control the environment and a situation.

Riddle me this - Do you think beating a dead horse is a way to get the other person to do what YOU think they should do? Was your mother controlling? Didn't your husband say you were controlling?

You might want to take a good look at that. My W is like that and it beats a person down.

But I do want to have fun, and finally be able to enjoy my H being home from deployment

Yes, have fun. You have no control over the future and it will be as it will be - your fear will create the very scenario in which you fear. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If a person is afraid their significant other will leave them, then they will guard their heart so when it inevitably comes they won't be so hurt. This guarding of their heart is a hindrance to intimacy in a relationship. This lack of intimacy puts a rift in the R. The other person starts looking around to be fulfilled and the R eventually ends. Self-fulfilled.

[Surviving03]

Yes you are right.... Thank you for helping me see this in myself... I still have controlling tendencies. I already get a sense that things are going to just kinda fall back into the old routine and habits... which I dont want at all because then we will find ourselves in this same boat.

I keep telling myself that it is very possible for both of us to eventually feel "in love" with eachother again... but it all feels so forced right now... on both of our parts, it may not be as forced on his part and I think it is, I just, of course, have that fear the its not genuine since it came out of complete nowhere, and for me, I feel like I am faking it until it actually is real. Which I think could be what you were saying in that last paragraph Steady, Im so afraid that he will leave me again that I am keeping my heart guarded... its tough, but then again, I know it will take time.

H and I have a dinner date planned tonight at my favorite restaurant here in Turkey, surprisingly its actually a Sushi restaurant Weird I know, but the guys that make the sushi are actually Japanese. Its a very interesting place, and I love it.

[steady]

Yes you are right.... Thank you for helping me see this in myself... I still have controlling tendencies. I already get a sense that things are going to just kinda fall back into the old routine and habits... which I dont want at all because then we will find ourselves in this same boat.

Do you think you can say these things to him? Sharing these kinds of feelings and thoughts build real intimacy. You can tell him you see that you have been controlling in the relationship and you no longer want to be that way because it's not conducive to having a healthy relationship. Tell him you are aware of it, want to change it, and will actively pursue a way to get rid of it. Individual therapy will help in this. Own it and fix it.

You can also tell him you are worried things will fall back into the same old routines and you don't want this. You can tell him you want to dump the old relationship and start anew. Otherwise, you'll end up back in the spot you are right now. Tell him you want to find ways to avoid this. Share this with him.

I keep telling myself that it is very possible for both of us to eventually feel "in love" with eachother again

My theory is it is possible. Think about when you first met - you weren't in love. It grew out of the things you did for each other, the fun you had together, etc... Re-initiate that and the love will grow back.Tell him this also. Sharing your deepest fears, your hopes and dreams builds intimacy. You might be surprised at the results.

... but it all feels so forced right now... on both of our parts, it may not be as forced on his part and I think it is, I just, of course, have that fear the its not genuine since it came out of complete nowhere, and for me, I feel like I am faking it until it actually is real. Which I think could be what you were saying in that last paragraph Steady, Im so afraid that he will leave me again that I am keeping my heart guarded... its tough, but then again, I know it will take time.

If it were me, I would tell him all this. You might be surprised that he is feeling the same exact way in will show a sense of relief. Was your desire genuine when the bomb dropped? If so, how do you know his can't be?

H and I have a dinner date planned tonight at my favorite restaurant here in Turkey, surprisingly its actually a Sushi restaurant Weird I know, but the guys that make the sushi are actually Japanese. Its a very interesting place, and I love it.

Have fun on the date. Try not to talk about the R stuff unless it naturally comes out. Leave all the crap at home and enjoy the date.