LR: Whilst I accept I'm not going to get all the apolagies and regrets yet I won't let him step into be grateful I'm back mode and that is there under the surface and believe me I'm not grateful he's back life would be simpler if he wasn't!
Your sitch is such a dose of reality to me. The length of the problems related to the D and the not owning of it and the toy tossing and you having to figure out ways to work around it going on so long is a little shocking to me. I continue to hope you might one day get acknowledgment from H when his employment situation gets better because then he will feel better about himself all around.
Good job on not letting him act like he's doing you a favor when a M should be a two-way street.
I'm glad his actions are still positive and affectionate some despite all the stress going on. Try to get a break from having to keep a happy face for everyone at work and home. Some alone fun time maybe.
I'm kicking into problem solving mode here, hope that's OK. Sorry I haven't read your whole sitch so I don't know if your H is on medication for depression?
If not, I would suggest getting a good quality St John's Wort supplement -- in controlled studies it has been shown to be as effective as ADs for mild to moderate depression and I've personally found it to be helpful. Also I believe that 5-HTP helps, it's an amino acid precursor. You shouldn't take either of those if taking ADs.
Even if he is taking ADs, a good quality fish oil supplement can help too and has been shown to help with depression and mood problems.
I've done all of the above for the past few years and I think it's really helped my moods during a very diffucult time in my life. I'm on ADs now due to my sitch.
A good guide to alternative mood management is the book The Mood Cure. If your H is not open to taking ADs, he might be more open to alternative stuff -- I find that to be commonly the case (even for me).
Hang in there...hugs!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Firstly job front! H had three interviews this week a lot of time and money wasted but one job still in the pipeline. Was so lookng forward to feelng relieved this weekend but it just seems never to be!
R wise well it looks like an H cuddles lie an H occasional ML like an H but still struggles with ILY haven't had one for nearly a week now so feeling glum. Even had a few cuddle free evenings this week too.
Next week is his birthday I only get paid the day before so can't organise much, might organise dinner out with S, need ideas, can give him money for a camera filter as I don't know what he wants.
On my own for a couple of days, but can't GAL cos I'm skint!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
hang in there Rabbit, money doesn't make a birthday love does.
Try not to keep count of how much/little affection you are or aren't getting remember he's struggling with his self esteem in this job arena too. You're wonderful and valuable and he knows it so don't fret yourself to death.
Remember GAL can be little things for you at home as well. A bath, a good book, a ride on madame, a chat with a friend, a walk in the garden, anything that nourishes you and connects you with yourself. You've been working so hard you deserve it! Count the blessings that are free and you'll feel filled up again by the weekend! xx
Birthday picnic somewhere special? Would he like that? Maybe try not to count ILYs right now. Of course you deserve them but counting them is going to make you not see or appreciate the affection you ARE getting right now. I agree with H4L about the self esteem and job stuff possibly effecting his affection level.
Was having a pretty nice weekend, had offered to stay at home and tidy up as H has the vat man coming on monday, and we decided to pop out and get a bit of food shopping..
Got in his car to see a plastic card cover the sort you get covering birthday cards and knew full well I hadnt been sent any cards by him! So I asked, H twitches when he is lying or uncomfortable so straight away I knew he was avoiding me, he said he didnt know and honestly I just straight out said "stop lying to me" yes its sis again, she has had an op and he sent her a get well soon card.
So I pushed and asked why he was lying and got well every time I tell you about her you lose it, so unfair I dont lose it, I got upset because last time I found out I'd been held responsible for six years for something I had not done. So tbh I did lose it this time and got called a dictator. So I reminded him again of why I want this transparency and tbh he was toy throwing and if Id pushed he honestly would have walked, he turned the car round and tried to go home and ignore me, but I finally got him to stop the car and talk to me, and again explained that I cant have three people in a marriage. Think I finally might and its a big might got through to him! I said I wanted to know as I was sick and tired of it getting between us and we had to lay it to rest some how, and although I was never going to be 100% happy about her Id rather know what is going on and the fact he was hiding things made me all the more suspicious when I probably didnt need to be.
If the truth be told I just wanted to tell him its over, I really wished I had. I deserve more and I doubt if Im ever gone get it, was able to say I didnt know if he'd come back because I have the money, and he said he didnt he came back because he wanted to, I said I felt that I was only here to come back to when he'd finished enjoying what he wanted and did he want to be single, which he replied no!
Feel really low even though I probably turned it around and moved it forward but I honestly dont know why I bothered, I dont want to be second best any more Im worth more than that!
Sorry folks grumpy rabbit here!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
That sounds awful. Glad you got through it. Don't know what you should do about sis issue. Can you schedule a counseling appointment in the future to help you break this logjam with him? The fact that you were scared you were going to tell him you were going to walk over the sis disrespect speaks volumes. It doesn't seem to be going away for you two as an issue. Seems like the lying, hiding cycle will continue. Also, he gets to turn you into evil Mum when it happens. Not sure what you should do to step out of this cycle but it sounds like you already know something will have to happen at some point.
Sorry you are feeling unappreciated after all your hard work this year. I hope everything works out for you two.
Still mad or more hurt still this morning! He has the opportunity to be honest and open now, he either takes it he doesnt if not Im done. I do not want to be in a dishonest relationship, if the truth be told if I won the lottery tomorrow I'd be off and he'd have to chase me.. Wish it hadnt been a money situation at the same time as he came home so I could have waited for more commitment for him to come home, I do regret that but cant go backwards.. Im just sick of all of this but I know you all too! (())
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
This dishonesty thing is a real dealbreaker for you. Take your 24/48 hrs to reflect on what you really want. Then continue to tell him directly - but calmly so he can't accuse you of "being the reason he is dishonest" (that is such BS). Tell him once and for all you cannot live with dishonesty, especially after everything you've been put through the past year. Say it simply, calm and strong. NO decisions on whether to walk or not need to be made. What you need to know inside is that you are ok with or without him. But you must also know inside you you can't live without certain boundaries - honesty, respect for your feelings, etc.
You can do it Rabbit. Maybe write out here first what you want to say to him and we'll help you. Then - just do it.
