why only then? so if she shows you she can be civil every now & then, that's good enough for you?
You still don't get it.
How many hoops are you making her jump through?
NONE.
You don't mind jumping through her hoops, in fact you do it like a good little doggy.
Sure she enjoys it a little bit too although she won't admit it, she may not even be cognizant of it but she does enjoy the amount of control she exerts over you because apparently you jump when she asks you too.
And you cling to her random civil almost "nice" behavior as hope that she'll change her mind, and she's more intuitive to these things then you are and she knows that this gives you hope.
She is in love with her feelings, her emotions. You're trying to solve this problem with your logic.
Logic vs. Emotions
Which do you think is going to win?
Here's a clue, she still wants to leave you and move out and divorce you.
Agree with her feelings. Everytime you communicate that you want to remain married to her, that you want to work on the marriage, that you will improve yourself and change for her, you are communicating that you want this marriage and she is communicating to you that she doesn't want this marriage. So you want what she doesn't want. You aren't listening to her right now although she's being as clear as she can be, pretty much like you probably have always done with her, not listen to her.
How about for the first time in your life you listen to her. "Look wife, I agree with you, we can't fix this, and I'm fooling myself thinking that if I change and become Mr.Perfect that you will want to be married to me and this isn't what I want anymore. You are right, this is impossible, it won't work. Truth be told I want to be with someone that wants to be with me so I'm not getting what I want out of this either and I'm being honest with myself. I'm sorry that I haven't been listening to you. When the time comes, I'll help you move and help you pack your things. No hard feelings, maybe one day we can friends after all of this is done."
Quick history W wants separation/divorce after years of verbal, mental abuse and controlling behavior. We have been together for 10 years and W said it has gone on for the full 10 years. I took her for granted and made her feel unappreciated. We still had great times and never imagined life without each other. My W loved me unconditionally and just hoped one day I would change. Shortly after we got married she realized that things remained the same so she wants out of the marriage. Now my W feels as if 'she wasted 10 years of her life', 'we got married for all the wrong reasons' and my wife has told me 'I love you but I am not in love with you' , 'too little too late'
I'm not 100% sure if it was puppy or someone else but there's a very high chance of your spouse being interested in or actually seeing someone else when they say these "magical" words.
I love you but I'm not in love with you.
I care for you but I'm not excited about you. I know this because I'm currently excited by someone else right now and that's who I want and that's who I'm pursuing so please stop chasing me, I don't want you anymore, I don't know how else to tell you this and you don't seem to get the point.
You are right. That is what I had been told. I combated what was said to be an EA. I agree it was but my W is so naive she did not see it anything more than a "friend." The OM had told my W things he said to his W and turns out my W said same things to me.
My W leaves for work same time everyday. On days I am off work, I watch her walk out the door. My W TM when she has arrived at work, same time everyday. On nights I have work, I meet her at the parking lot and drop her off in front of her work place.
On nights I have work and she does not...my parents are our neighbors and had not seen her ever leave to go anywhere when I had already left for work.
When my W leaves work, she TM tells me she is on her way home. She arrives home same time everyday. When she gets home she eats, sleeps or watches TV with me, then sleeps...ALL DAY. On days she does feel up to doing something, we do it together.
I will not discount the idea of being in a PA or EA while AT WORK.... however a great friend of mine is her co-worker and tells me nothing is going on. I know a few officers who work in this airport who monitor the cameras and work the security check point who have monitored the situation for me and report nothing going on....
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
so if your wife is not having a physical affair with the OM, she could still be contacting him by phone, txt msg, email, and when she's not at work, as much as you have your friends and family monitoring her, they aren't watching her 24/7, they have lives too.
why only then? so if she shows you she can be civil every now & then, that's good enough for you?
You still don't get it.
How many hoops are you making her jump through?
NONE.
You don't mind jumping through her hoops, in fact you do it like a good little doggy.
Sure she enjoys it a little bit too although she won't admit it, she may not even be cognizant of it but she does enjoy the amount of control she exerts over you because apparently you jump when she asks you too.
And you cling to her random civil almost "nice" behavior as hope that she'll change her mind, and she's more intuitive to these things then you are and she knows that this gives you hope.
She is in love with her feelings, her emotions. You're trying to solve this problem with your logic.
Logic vs. Emotions
Which do you think is going to win?
Here's a clue, she still wants to leave you and move out and divorce you.
Agree with her feelings. Everytime you communicate that you want to remain married to her, that you want to work on the marriage, that you will improve yourself and change for her, you are communicating that you want this marriage and she is communicating to you that she doesn't want this marriage. So you want what she doesn't want. You aren't listening to her right now although she's being as clear as she can be, pretty much like you probably have always done with her, not listen to her.
How about for the first time in your life you listen to her. "Look wife, I agree with you, we can't fix this, and I'm fooling myself thinking that if I change and become Mr.Perfect that you will want to be married to me and this isn't what I want anymore. You are right, this is impossible, it won't work. Truth be told I want to be with someone that wants to be with me so I'm not getting what I want out of this either and I'm being honest with myself. I'm sorry that I haven't been listening to you. When the time comes, I'll help you move and help you pack your things. No hard feelings, maybe one day we can friends after all of this is done."
I do not communicate any of my desires to her about our M/R. I am making these changes for ME as well not just for the hope our M will work. If our M fails to improve and ends, I move on with the next, I don't want to be back on these forums again some day saying the same thing because I continued to be the same a**hole.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
so far what I have told you and what gucci has told you and what steve has told you concerning your situation is pretty much identical to what has been told to so many other people on these forums, your situation isn't as unique as you tried to convince us.
But you tried to convince us that it was different and none of the other situations were similar.
You want it your way even when you're told that your situation isn't unique. You could have gotten this info from several other threads on this forum, check out BigJake, he just gave his wife the "exit" speech.
Wondering if this is something that pissed off your wife after being with you for several years?
so if your wife is not having a physical affair with the OM, she could still be contacting him by phone, txt msg, email, and when she's not at work, as much as you have your friends and family monitoring her, they aren't watching her 24/7, they have lives too.
True BUT OMW has access to his logs and monitors such activity. It's all in the other thread...
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
why only then? so if she shows you she can be civil every now & then, that's good enough for you?
You still don't get it.
How many hoops are you making her jump through?
NONE.
You don't mind jumping through her hoops, in fact you do it like a good little doggy.
Sure she enjoys it a little bit too although she won't admit it, she may not even be cognizant of it but she does enjoy the amount of control she exerts over you because apparently you jump when she asks you too.
And you cling to her random civil almost "nice" behavior as hope that she'll change her mind, and she's more intuitive to these things then you are and she knows that this gives you hope.
She is in love with her feelings, her emotions. You're trying to solve this problem with your logic.
Logic vs. Emotions
Which do you think is going to win?
Here's a clue, she still wants to leave you and move out and divorce you.
Agree with her feelings. Everytime you communicate that you want to remain married to her, that you want to work on the marriage, that you will improve yourself and change for her, you are communicating that you want this marriage and she is communicating to you that she doesn't want this marriage. So you want what she doesn't want. You aren't listening to her right now although she's being as clear as she can be, pretty much like you probably have always done with her, not listen to her.
How about for the first time in your life you listen to her. "Look wife, I agree with you, we can't fix this, and I'm fooling myself thinking that if I change and become Mr.Perfect that you will want to be married to me and this isn't what I want anymore. You are right, this is impossible, it won't work. Truth be told I want to be with someone that wants to be with me so I'm not getting what I want out of this either and I'm being honest with myself. I'm sorry that I haven't been listening to you. When the time comes, I'll help you move and help you pack your things. No hard feelings, maybe one day we can friends after all of this is done."
I do not communicate any of my desires to her about our M/R. I am making these changes for ME as well not just for the hope our M will work. If our M fails to improve and ends, I move on with the next, I don't want to be back on these forums again some day saying the same thing because I continued to be the same a**hole.
So you figure you can be selfless, really? How long do you think you can pull that off? No one does something for nothing for very long, human nature says we'll quit after a while when it's no longer profitable to do this. Your wife knows this too and when you bring up the changes you're making for her, she can't believe you, changes if successful are visible, you live them as part of your daily routine, if you have to tell someone you're changing or you've changed, you're actually communicating the opposite.
so if your wife is not having a physical affair with the OM, she could still be contacting him by phone, txt msg, email, and when she's not at work, as much as you have your friends and family monitoring her, they aren't watching her 24/7, they have lives too.
True BUT OMW has access to his logs and monitors such activity. It's all in the other thread...
So it can't be another man? Maybe she gave up on him and moved on to the next one, trust me, it happens alot on these forums, WAW's will move on to the next affair when this one fizzles, they're after the excitement of the affair, the lies, the secrets, the running around, the hiding, the fact that no one knows anything.
so far what I have told you and what gucci has told you and what steve has told you concerning your situation is pretty much identical to what has been told to so many other people on these forums, your situation isn't as unique as you tried to convince us.
But you tried to convince us that it was different and none of the other situations were similar.
You want it your way even when you're told that your situation isn't unique. You could have gotten this info from several other threads on this forum, check out BigJake, he just gave his wife the "exit" speech.
Wondering if this is something that pissed off your wife after being with you for several years?
I never used the word unique regards to my sitch...you are "putting words in my mouth" (or in my post). I DID say it was different, yes, because it is. It is were all the same then we should all be able to use the same technique and SAVE our marriages.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Sorry bro but I'll pretty much give you an explanation & answer for every point you have, I'm not your wife, stop trying to convince me LOL!
- you've been told what you need to do but you will continue asking "but", "what if I", "how about this", etc. etc. etc. That's your logic and it's also your feelings, you're in love with your feelings, you want it done your way and you don't want to listen to anyone telling you that you can't have it that way.
Now think about this.
And apply it to your wife because that's how she is right now, in love with her feelings, and she wants to live her life her way and she doesn't want to listen to anyone telling her she can't have what she wants so you might as well agree with her, by doing so, you're not fighting her, you're giving her what she wants and although you don't want to give her this, it's the first time that she'll remember that you finally get it and you're giving her what she wants - you might actually make her happy, wouldn't that be interesting for her to associate that thought process with you ;-)
