I had another thread going in the A section of the forum. The A appears to be busted now I need to focus on DBing.
Quick history W wants separation/divorce after years of verbal, mental abuse and controlling behavior. We have been together for 10 years and W said it has gone on for the full 10 years. I took her for granted and made her feel unappreciated. We still had great times and never imagined life without each other. My W loved me unconditionally and just hoped one day I would change. Shortly after we got married she realized that things remained the same so she wants out of the marriage. Now my W feels as if 'she wasted 10 years of her life', 'we got married for all the wrong reasons' and my wife has told me 'I love you but I am not in love with you' , 'too little too late'
Currently we still live together. I have been DBing for a little over 2 months. We have come a long way but her mind is still set on leaving. We had some backslides in the process as well the most recent 04/08, 04/09 where she had told me 'it's over and there is nothing you can do' , 'my first step to happiness is changing my name' , 'all the changes you made is a front', 'you don't know the real me only who you wanted me to be' , 'It will take a lot for me to trust you again' and my W even did a search on how to remove her name from the mortgage.
As of now my W is waiting for the day she can move out and is counting down the days. The situation is, her father is currently remodeling a home where he will reside and my W will occupy the upstairs apartment. There is no set date but when the apartment is finished she will be gone and the process of separation will begin. There has been a set back with father's GF being in the hospital, somethings have been put on hold as a result and may buy me a little more time but I don't have much time left.
Throughout our sitch it has been a roller coaster. Some days feeling like we can make it. My W have become notorious for leading me to believe there is a future by speak future tense and once she realizes what she had said, she would flip it and say something suggesting she is leaving.
I have learned not to talk about the future and try not to pursue her.
Issues I had: - Controlling - Verbally abusive - Neglected W feelings - Anger problems - Took her for granted - Lack of appreciation
How I helped myself: - Took anger management course - Read text books on anger management - Gone to therapy to help with controlling behavior - Have found faith - discovered what it means to love someone unconditionally - I have gained a whole new outlook on life, love and marriage and there is nothing I want more than to reconcile with my W
I have an appt. with a DB coach this afternoon but I can use all the help I can get and thank you to all those who contributed to the other thread.
Do you ever feel when dealing with your wife that she makes you jump through alot of hoops? ex. If only you were more appreciative... If only you were nicer to me... If only you showed me you loved me more... If only you made more money... If only you did this better... If only you did that better... If only the changes you made were done earlier...
Then she talks about the future and then quickly backtracks to her current feelings, stringing you along, giving you hope and then yanking the carpet out from beneath you feet.
How does that feel?
Stop jumping through hoops, if she really wants to leave, help her pack and help her move out of the home.
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? What a waste of your life? Why do you jump through so many hoops, becoming the perfect man for her if she keeps rejecting you? Don't you get the message after a while? She's trying to communicate very clearly to you but you keep ignoring what she's saying and continue working hard to keep her, maybe she doesn't want to be with you anymore? Is she allowed to change her mind or do you have to control her and her decisions.
Let her go and move on with your life.
Simple and counter-intuitive, you're agreeing with her feelings, you aren't controlling her, you're giving her what she really wants, to be free of you, and when she's free of you and you move on with your life, she will want what she doesn't have anymore because she will see that you aren't waiting around for her to change her mind anymore. You're a confident man who knows that life is too short to waste on someone who doesn't value them or the relationship they have with them and you know that there is only 1 of you and a 1000 like her or better waiting for you.
