Possible EA - Need Advice

[newmama]

g I move forward and confront him/issue an ultimatum, do I
-expose the new phone records and trends I found?
-contact her and her boyfriend (who both work for the same company as my husband) when he's already established me as controlling/manipulative/demanding with his coworkers?
- tell his parents? I fear that by airing our dirty laundry I will lose all respect with him.

1st- what will your ultimatum conditions be- I think there should be a progression of steps...You are smart to wait and carefully plan although you are suffering.

2nd-you don't have to expose to his parents right away-you can let that happen at some point as you see things unfold.

3rd-I don't know about the boyfriend-if your H agrees to end it, then maybe this isn't necessary.

Ok about the ultimatum progression....a friend of mine did such a better job than I did (but I didn't meet her before my sitch!) Here is how she handled it:

-confronted her H about what she suspected (she had no hard core evidence even)
-her H admitted he was "falling in love" with OW
-she asked him if he was planning on divorcing her and the kids
-He said they hadn't thought that far ahead
-she told him that if he wanted to be with her then she and the kids would be fine- she would make sure he got to see them but she would move to her parents' town, go back to teaching, and would work on finding a good stepfather for them
-He asked how often he would see the kids
-She said like every other divorced dad- every other weekend
(at this point his eyes were open wide)

She hopped in the car, took the kids, and drove to her parents house to spend the night. When she returned the next day she didn't bring it up to him until after he came from work. Then she asked him what he decided. He agreed to end it and did.

My point in illustrating what she did was that it was interesting how she turned it to WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? IF YOU DECIDE HER THEN THIS IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.
She also left him with those thoughts. Then she asked him the next day what he decided.

Progression from there (she thinks) would have been she would have asked him to move out, she would have started preparing for divorce and her future (not necessarily in 5 days but over the next couple of months) and then filed for D if he hadn't ended it.

Ok, being a teacher, here is the "non example" (don't do what I did bc it didn't work)
Here is what I did- Jan 2 09 I confronted WH (no evidence), he admitted to "loving her" but denied a PA. I believed him (NO MAN LOVES A WOMAN UNLESS HE HAS "DONE" HER! okay maybe that is harsh but it is what my therapist told me)
In the same conversation I said "WHO DO YOU CHOOSE? HER OR ME?" and guilted him, freaked out, etc. He said he couldn't decide-maybe if he had slept with her then I would leave him so he wouldn't have to choose. I pressured him to decide and a couple of hours later he agreed to end it. (but didn't)

Confrontation #2-3/17/09- I had suspected he was lying to me due to his distant behavior but his cell phone calls were "clean." My friend tells me to go online and check the records. He changed his password to our cell account. WIth the help of an online assistant,I got the password and saw her number. I call him immediately, flip out, tell him I am done- he can have her-said a bunch of stuff. (he was out of town on a work trip) I sent him emails of info about affairs being addictive and fantasies. Then he returns, I ask him if he is willing to end it. He says he doesn't know. I tell him to leave and even found a hotel for him. Then I leave out of town for several days to a friend's house so he can be alone in the house and think about it.


I receive an email saying something like "I need to make myself ignore my heart and follow my head-maybe the therapist can help me. The house is empty without you. I haven't felt this alone in years." NO I LOVE YOU-NO DECISION. The marriagebuilders people said I should have returned home that night to be with him. I thought I should punish him and make him "miss me" so I stayed a few more days without contact.

He said he wasn't willing to end contact with her but wanted to stay with me until S was born. I told him f-you- get the f out of this house and I want a D. We started completing D paperwork. I got cold feet. We went to the counselor who suggested a separation. We started S paperwork. Never got mailed in. And here we are today.


If I were to do it again, I would have done what you are doing- carefully plan what you will say, what you will do- and I see that my friend was CONFIDENT and CLEAR RIGHT AWAY about the future if he chose OW BUT she didn't pressure him on the spot- she gave him "some" time to let what she said sink in. Wow.