"I think that the shock has begun to wear off and I am trying to figure out what to think, say and do."
See.. this is what gets me some. You talk about "shock" and how much this is killing you.. but it does not show up "here" (DB.com) Your posts are.. well.. just not the typical LBS posts. What concerns me about this is that you are not "venting". Most people start their life "here" with what I call a "crazy" post. So.. with that in mind the question becomes.. where are you "venting"? Or.. how are you "venting"?
"Most of what spewed from me initially was around the fact that this major change was going on inside my H and he did not tell me anything."
To make it simple.. this was the first time you lost control. I got it.
"I felt helpless, betrayed and confused. I felt like a victim."
Knew that. I "see" it to a point in your posts.
"Then I found DR and it has given me some tools to not feel so victimized."
Why do you assume you are the one that was victimized? <-- I have some red flags going off in my mind right now.
"More than anything I felt, still feel, guilty that I did not pick up on anything being wrong.....Next, I get angry that "I" feel guilty when H is the one who is threatening to take out our family. So, there is no one emotion, I am all over the place."
He is threatening to do it. He has not done it yet! Sometimes.. when people are at the end of their rope.. they test you. They watch every move, listen to every word, look for any "Emotion".
"I have been paying very close attention to what I have heard works."
Why? I don't want the caned answer. Are you doing this to regain control.. or do you want to make a change?
"The people that know us would not believe there is drama. We are constantly told how mild mannered/calm/even tempered we both are."
Most people are not good at "seeing" the whole picture. I would bet people say they wish they had a marriage like yours. But really it is just words. They have no idea what happens when you go home. Kinda like what I am "seeing" here. The fact that you are posting "here" but really don't have any problems yet. He said he was gonna leave.. but he has not. He tells you he does not love you.. but he still is with you. What happens when he wakes up tomorrow and does move out? How will you react?
Ok.. As far as the Depression issue.
Has your H been diagnosed by a doctor as being depressed?
Is he currently taking medication to overcome depression?
If you want to discuss his depression that is fine. But for the sake of DB'ing I will tell you that you can't help him with his depression. You cannot fix it. You cannot help him move out of it. You can talk about it "here" but you cannot talk about it at home. When he talks about IC you smile, nod, and be supportive. Do not offer suggestions. You listen to what he is saying.. smile,nod,etc. Then when you have time you report "here" what you heard. When he see's IC.. don't be at home waitin on the report. Find something to do. The idea here is that you want him to approach you about it. I don't want the focus of this thread to become why he is depressed. The main reason for that is that I think you will/have try/tried to fix it.
"I am VERY concerned, that's why I am here."
I hear ya.. just on the fence on whether I believe you or not.
Now.. while you are in thinking mode.. lets talk about OW.
If.. it turns out that there is.. something. Is that a deal breaker? Think about that question before you answer it. Give me an honest answer. Cause more than likely.. I will hold you to it.
I don't know what it is about you.. but you have my attention. I am never sure if that is a good or a bad thing. My gut just tells me.. Big things coming.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
