As for the dating, the thought of dating someone else is honestly nauseating to me.
Regarding how in the world I can ever rely on him again without him getting on medication, going to counseling, church, etc., first, I can’t. I agree 100% that I cannot let him come back or try to mend things without all of those things and then some happening. I refuse to be with someone that I cannot trust to forgive me, respect me, agree to work through our problems instead of what he does, or never leave me again. This is just too much. He’s kicked me out twice in our 14 year marriage. He’s packed his stuff and left so many times (the longest prior to this was only for one night). I’ve struggled for 8 years trying to find trust in him never doing what he’s doing now. It’s been so hard to trust that this wouldn’t happen and now that it has, I’m really not sure that I’ll ever be able to trust him again.
I intend to find myself a job (hopefully one that may assist in paying for school so that I can finish getting my college degree—I dropped out b/c school was getting in the way of my dating my H back in 1995), start to pick myself up and take care of me and my kids. I am an extremely strong, confident person and I know what I’m capable of. It’s about to be my time to do all of those things that I’ve regretted not doing. I lost me a long time ago. I’m gonna find me again and make up for all the time that I gave to my H and neglected myself.
I intend to get some nerve medicine so that I’ll have it if it becomes necessary. I can usually handle quite a bit but lately I’ve found myself a nervous wreck (rightfully so!) who can’t always think straight and concentrate. I gotta get back in control of my mind. It’s a good one!
(((mb28)))
I’m not in therapy. I’m broke. I intend to talk to our priest. I really think that I’m good with me though. Maybe someone knows something about me that I don’t realize though so I’ll give me my all.
As for the dating, I addressed that in my response to rr22. It’s not that I want to date someone. It’s just that it’s scary thinking that I’m gonna be alone for the first time in my life since 15. I don’t like change.
I’ll check out the link you posted so I can update myself on your sitch.
(((soleil)))
OW. Which one are you talking about? The childhood friend-like-a-sis girl that he talked to behind my back that last time (11/2007) that he thought of D and started talking to a month or so before leaving this time (and now talks to on his personal cell where I can see) or the “mystery girl”, as I call her, that he started contacting using his personal cell about a week after leaving (and I now believe is the one that he’s been texting from his company phone)?
I was never told anything by anyone about him definitely seeing someone. Everyone is convinced that he is. His mother was until Tues night when he told her that he wasn’t and therefore she believes him. He told her he never called or texted the number I gave her. Regardless of my having phone records printed showing his calls and texts and our son saying that he was texting on his company phone all last weekend, she doesn’t believe that I have the records and thinks S11 made up the story about his dad texting. I just told her to think what she wanted but if she decided she needed proof, to let me know when to send her copies of our personal phone records and that she knew she could go to her office and look and her company phone bill and see for herself.
There’s nothing I can do if there is OW. I just want to know. It may sound crazy, but it would make me feel better if there was someone but it would be a reason for all of this. I’ve debated all day about calling the number on his phone bill and simply asking her. I haven’t. (When I first saw it, a week after he left, I blocked my number and called and it’s a girl.)
(((alice444)))
Thanks for the comps. I’ve always known what I deserve, how strong I am, etc. People that know me (the me prior to 8 years ago/the hidden me) are completely shocked at the things that I’ve put up with and the doormat that I’ve let myself be. They just cannot believe that the person they knew would bow down, lose themselves for someone else, and take the sh*t I’ve taken. I guess that a big part of why I forced myself to go through what I have for the sake of my M was because all that I’ve ever known is to not be a quitter, to stand up to difficulties and prove myself bigger and better, to never give up and always work for the better times to come. My parents have been together for 38 years. It has not been easy (very, very bad sometimes) but they’ve made it and I am proud of them. I didn’t let myself go through hell I did because I thought I was weak or didn’t deserve better. I know better than that and that will NEVER change. I know me and am proud of me and always will be. It took an extremely strong person to spend as many days as I did forgiving my H for the things he said and did, to let all of it go and leave the past in the past, and trudge through the mud for the good day ahead. I wasn’t weak. I was stronger than any woman he’ll ever come across. It took a strong woman to put her pride aside for the sake of her M.
I’m hanging in. Holding my head high. Taking it one day at a time. I won’t say that I’m not in a stage of extreme pain and confusion. I am. I’ve gotta be stronger than this stage though so that I can make it through.
(((So, y’all…)))
Should I call the “mystery girl” since it would make ME feel better to know a reason for this?
I was told by his cousin a minute ago that H told him last night that he’s having a really hard time forgiving me for seeing other people (the literal one month affair in 1999 and the two men I dated per his advice during our separation in 2002). Great! This all goes back to the 32+ year friend of mine that thought it a great idea to call my H and bring all three of those guys up to him to get her revenge from me removing her as my fb friend after she posted pics of one of them on her page. This was on Jan 21st. My H told me that he ignored every word she said b/c he knew it was just her starting problems. From Jan 21st to Mar 13th, he showed no signs of being bothered by her bringing all of that up. Guess he kept it hidden and it’s now coming out. I haven’t spoken to her since I found out that she called my H and decided that my M was as disposable as our fb friendship. If she were only standing in front of me now!
