This is where I'm really stuck. He said a few days ago, "It doesn't seem like you've realized what's really going on. You've been acting like everything is going to be okay. We're getting a divorce, [Number 8]!"
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Wow. That must be a sting that left a mark. Got any Polysporin?
Yes, this one stung A LOT. Ouch.
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I heard one person say their spouse said something like that because the leaving person expected the left one to respond with anger, beg, plead. I really get this because I was waiting for my W to do it back in Oct. I was praying she would show me that she really did love me and wanted me. She didn't. Cold and calculating, I just got the emotional responses.
Early in this, when I acted upbeat and positive, I really upset H because I acted like I wasn't upset or seem sad. I changed tactics, and he's seen some real emotions (sadness) from me. I still tried to communicate about reconciliation, but that hasn't made any difference. Obviously, both ways haven't changed things.
When we talked the other night, I told him to come get his stuff (as I mentioned in an earlier post). I was angry when we talked, and I let loose with my angry feelings more than I have (though I didn't say anything that I regret). He remarked with surprise that he had expected me to get angrier before now.
So now, the question is how I should act. Do I act like it's fine if he goes? That I'm glad to see him go? That I wish he wouldn't?
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Now, things have changed a lot. Not because she did come begging, but because I 'begged'. I went and calmly told her I really wanted to work things out, gave evidence, and that I was looking toward further self improvements, too. I had done a few 180s by then and had begun improving me, so I referred to those as evidence.
Because I'm not totally familiar with your time line, did you leave or did she back in October?
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It is possible he just doesn't want to let you in. But, then again, you don't know unless you fight.
You're right.
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Again, my W has asked for a separation/divorce 12 times since that first begging to which she had succumed. All times (but this one) I went begging in one creative way or another. I'm geting tired of trying, but I'm still looking for ways ... just not all the same ways.
I'm wondering if I should leave this (and him) alone for a while. He seems so convinced that D is the only way, and I don't want to exasperate him with my hopefulness.
