Calling all affair annihilators & boundary setters

[pearlharbr]

courts, I guess I just don't understand what's causing this feeling of urgency. Because he hinted that he would move back in and he's sorry he hurt D3? That's nice but how are those statements actionable on your part?
1) He would move back in. Ok. Does he want to? Does he expect to?

2) His actions have hurt D3. Agreed. And? Is he going to make it up to her somehow? Is he going to behave differently moving forward?

These are questions H has to answer. Throwing statements out there doesn't mean jack. Remember, believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. Unless and until he starts backing these statements up with his actions he's just blowing hot air.

You need to take this time to figure out what you want. I understand that you're busy. If it takes you a month to get through the book then it takes you a month. Just don't rush to make any decisions without being informed. It's difficult not to react on emotion but we all know it's much better to think things through carefully and act rationally.

Continue to do what works. Don't pursue. Don't pressure. Don't ask questions (you can later when it's crystal clear that he wants to work on the R). Assert your boundaries and maintain them. If continued contact with OW is a deal breaker for you then tell him that. Puppy is much better at wording boundaries than me so I'll leave that to him.

And yes, you must assume that the A is still going on until he proves to you otherwise. BF told me he was "not in contact at all" with OW. I went to his bowling league and walked in on them standing a foot away from each other and chatting. I walked up to him, said, "This is not 'no contact'" and walked out. He tried to explain later that he thought it didn't count. Then he saw her again to apparently break things off and didn't tell me. Caught again. Finally there was another email exchange. Caught again. So even when they say they want to come back you still have to be prepared for the lies. They must prove themselves through actions over time. Do not jump at the first sign of possible reconcilliation.