Note to those of you following my threads on both forums, I'm going to post this in MLC and infidelity b/c I'm too involved in visiting with my friend to do this twice.
Hi all. I've been reading a lot, praying, thinking, journaling, visiting friends and family, taking care of the kids - everything except reviewing my sitch.
I'm good now. I was on a crazy, psycho roller coaster and really needed the time off. I feel right now very detached, very calm, very assertive, and like I'm coming from a place of peace and calm.
H mentioned to MIL that he thinks I've moved on. I do plan on telling him that's BS, that I'm still here and still ready willing and able to work on this M, and then just leave it alone. I've decided that I need to make sure he is clear that I'm "standing" for lack of a better term. However, no R talk other than that, no chasing... to be honest, I just don't care.
I've decided that this is a spiritual journey I need to make. When my H told OW in an email that I have become more and more religious (trying to make me sound like a religious nut) my first (ashamed of this) reaction was going to be hiding my faith. That lasted about 15 minutes and I just battled it and finally said "No, God is number one to me and I am going to draw CLOSER to Him, and let the chips fall where they may. Let H think anything he wants to about his "crazy" wife."
Then I kept posting on here and getting advice, most of it very, very good, but it was sometimes conflicting and I was so indecisive. Taking the time off has allowed me to really get back in touch with my intuition, with myself, and realize that if he leaves, I will be OK. I never, ever wanted to have the D label put on me, but if he does leave me, it will be his loss. I'm pretty OK with who I am, I have a few changes to make, but most of my journey will be spiritual as I believe that's where most of my growth needs to occur.
IF this is a MLC, I welcome seeing who H becomes. If it is not, so be it, then he's not going through a painful, introspective growth phase, he's just a jerk. Better off without him. LOL. Seriously, I love him, I want him, I want this marriage, but I've told the Father that I will accept whatever His will is for my life. In a strange way, I'm excited to see where I am at the end of this long, painful journey. I'm not happy to be on this road, but if it's His will, so be it, I welcome it.
I will stay married to him as long as I am able, continue GALing, working on my own journey, and see where the chips fall. I have not been told in any way by the Father what to expect, which direction to head, or anything, but I suspect it will be made clear to me soon. The one sad thing I may be reading too much into is that when I was looking for a bible verse to study today, it was in Matthew where Jesus discusses divorce... as I was driving to pick up stepkids, it dawned on me that it wasn't about fighting for love, or infidelity, but divorce... could be nothing, probably is nothing... but for a second, I did say "please, don't let this mean anything."
I have seen some positive changes - babysteps to use MWD terms - from H. For one thing, we've been laughing a lot. That had stopped after he started sleeping on the couch. He's still there, but for instance - this morning he was outside the bedroom door and I was fully dressed and made up. He said hello to the dogs, and I came to the door wagging and saying hello along with them. He gave me the biggest, most genuine smile - his eyes lit up (he always loves it when I act cute) and just said hello. He clearly was thinking I was adorable in that instant. He also mentioned that I looked like I am still losing weight, has said I look good, has been showing an interest in where I have been going and what I've been doing. We went for family night to a movie and I wore a skirt and put my legs up in front of him and caught him looking... and a few times, he'd cross his legs towards me and lean towards me, and then he'd scowl and realize it and consciously turn away from me... when he was leaning towards me, his facial expression was relaxed and happy. Now, the difference here with me noticing these changes in him is that I'm doing it from an emotional distance. I'm seeing it, marking them down in my journal, and letting them go. I'm finally detached again to the point where it's an interesting notation and that's all it is. Noticing these little baby steps should keep me focused instead of totally detaching to the point of just leaving... but who knows.
Anyway, he's not as "over" me as he said. I didn't see it before, because I was too close emotionally to the situation. Now I've detached and see it.
It may be that he's convinced himself that he can never undo the damage he's done, so even if he DOES allow himself to have feelings for me again, he may never allow himself to come back to me... but I'm going to be OK then too. Again, his loss. I hope and pray that's not the direction we head, but if we do, so be it. I have the Father and that's all I need in my life.
He told MIL that he hopes I date, he'd be happy for me if I found someone. I don't think she believed him. LOL. I know I don't believe him. I believe it would freak him out if he found out I was dating. He thinks it would make him happy b/c then he would be able to relieve some guilt, but he would not like it.
Guess that's all. I have an appointment with H tomorrow to go over our finances, as it's pay day and he's been trying to "learn" how to manage his finances. More opportunity to show him how good I can look and how awesome I am... then I'm going to spend the weekend having a good time with the kids and just forgetting to care about anything else other than us, the family. smile
