MLC Saga, contd...

[Cadet]

I am afraid that my silence could also be sending him the message that I despise him and he is hiding away full of guilt and shame. I don't know anymore. Any advice from anyone?

Yes, stay on your path. 22 days is nothing in MLC land. It does not send him the wrong message!

NC is a form of communication. It is just non-verbal. It also and most importantly to protect you.

Seeking Answers gave you a good answer on the other question.

[elfie]

SA, thanks for the reply..

How long it takes is anybody's guess as it would be up to the MLCer how fast he/she processes through the issues at hand when and if they start to deal with them. That probably has to do with the severity of the issues as well.

Well, then this might take the rest of his life to resolve since he has some very serious issues. He has experienced abandonment repeatedly in his developing years.

He was raised by his mother who had been a WAW in both her marriages and a couple of her long-term relationships. She also managed to walk away from her only son in the end after she realized she couldn't have her way in his life decisions. As a result there was no communication between the 2 for 11 years thereafter. She died and they never saw or spoke to each other again. MIL never met her grandkids. Soo sad...Soo selfish...
She punished him even after her death by disinheriting him. What kind of a person must one be to do something like that?
Mind you, my H had been a very good son to her considering what he must have been through growing up living with a selfish narcissist mother and her occasional husband/boyfriend.

H had told me that he had missed very much having a father in his growing years. I encouraged him to reunite with his father and he did, when he was 30. Unfortunately that didn't go well as FIL's wife was a b***h from hell. She did everything in her power to sabotage the father-son relationship and she succeeded. Heartbreaking.

H's mother never forgave H for reuniting with his father and she showed her hatred to both of us by sending us to h**l. Those were her exact words actually to H in writing: "Son, take your wife and your father and go to H**l.

Sometimes I wonder myself if these people have been in my life for real.

So, as you can see with all this baggage, I don't know if my H will be able to face his issues on his own without the help of a C.

I have so much empathy for him. I wish I could help him to come out of this depression. It must be horrible.

[elfie]

OP thanks for your input

H's justification for leaving and for hooking up with OW, has been mainly me not loving him, needing him or appreciating him enough.

I admit that we have been drifting apart for the last few years due to the usual R breakers (stress, work problems, teenagers, empty nest etc...) but for me the big one has always been his non-communicative nature and his conflict avoidance. R issues were brewing long term and not dealt with when they should have. Which reminds me...H fits the NG description perfectly.

Now I see that H has been carrying inside him a perception of me rejecting him as he has been accusing me for being too focused on our children. I eventually realized (too late) that H had become antagonistic especially with our son and he has been jealous of all the attention son had been getting from me lol. How about that? I could have never guessed such a thing in a million years.

So, under the circumstances wouldn't it be a 180 for me to show interest and love instead of going completely dark? If he has felt rejected shouldn't I make him feel otherwise?

Your opinion is always appreciated.

[seeking answers]

elfie, I could have written what you did almost word for word as it is my sitch almost exactly as far as H felt. We have a whole lot more kids though. lol

I will be interested in the answers you get to your 180 question. I have been very dim unless to do with kids or finances.

One of the things I read about MLCer's that was rather interesting is below. I could see now that my H probably felt this way about our son's even though he was never like that pre MLC.

Depression sign #27

ML'ERS BECOME VERY COMPETITIVE WITH LOVED ONES

When a spouse is in mid life crisis, their LBS as well as other close family members become the enemy. Ml'ers are constantly comparing their loved ones with themselves. Many times they fall short and this leads to further insecurity and self-doubt. During their journey, they are out to prove that they are important and admired and become very competitive. They will withhold compliments/achievements toward important family members at this time. They begin to choose people in their lives that will make them feel good about themselves. Usually this means choosing people who are less accomplished and lower in character in order to make themselves feel better about themselves.

In the beginning of my ex's mid life crisis, he went up to my 17 year old son and informed him that he would "never be as successful, handsome and more accomplished than him". This was so out of character for my ex because he had always wanted his kids to far exceed him in every way.

Does the above resonate with you at all?

[elfie]

SA Wowww!!

Depression sign #27 paints my husband 100%!!! My H was also a model father before MLC. He had always been close to both of them from the day they were born. All our friends admired him for being such a great father. My GFs even envied me that my H was spending so much time with our children. This is why it took me so long to realize that he had become competitive. I mean I was seeing the signs but I thought it was my imagination.

I have even come to resent him for that because this has hit him at such a wrong time too!! Both our children are gifted and we have both been very proud parents, but these last few years upon him hitting MLC, our kids have had some major achievements (intl. scholarships, etc.) and it seems as if H has been out to lunch, leaving me to be the only parent sharing with them the pride and joy of their successes. H has been too self-absorbed being fed BS by lowlife OW and other peripheral people whose children have turned out to be losers.

Amazing...this was really eye-opening SA, thanks.

[elfie]

In the beginning of my ex's mid life crisis, he went up to my 17 year old son and informed him that he would "never be as successful, handsome and more accomplished than him". This was so out of character for my ex because he had always wanted his kids to far exceed him in every way.[quote]

This is so shocking, abusive even..My H has said similar things to son also...these MLCers should be exorcised,lol..

[seeking answers]

It just goes to show how far out their thinking is or lack there of.

[BeingMe]

Yeah, my H also competes with our son, always cross because he's not doing what H wants him to do. My son is taller, and H is jealous of that too. He should be proud. I don't get it.

Thanks for visiting my thread, Elfie. It does sound like your H and mine are very similar.