Messed up

[jt2007]

I havnt called (x)H these past 3 days. He ended up calling on two of those days to tell me about his job and that he was going to be able to keep it...umm ok I listened.

Today he called at lunch.. to tell me about his boss not making it through the company transfer... I listened.

He then mentioned to me that he dreamed I had a date invitation but said that our divorce was not final ..

I politly told him I was not seeing or interested in anyone but he could make what ever decision he wanted to about moving forward for him.
(not sure if this was the right thing to do)
He replied he didnt have time to see anyone else because of work and the kids.
I told him It had nothing to do with time or the kids but to do with how he wanted to handle going forward.

He said he still freaks out everytime he sees a cop car in the neighborhood, and when he tries to think about our life together it seems like a fantasy...something that wasnt real dream like..

I said it was because we were separatd... and I have no part of their lives except for a maybe three few hours one day on the weekend...no new experiences to add to the situation we have been through

He said he didnt want to talk about it....
and then his boss suddenly called..

So OK...

Well divorce will be final in June so not sure how this road is going to go.

But I am trying to keep focused on myself.
I dont have as many breakdowns...but just a constant heart ache and feeling downsided and needy..while trying to go on.

Its been difficult to try and think of any kind of social activity to be involved in, as far as anything I would like to be doing...

I have been out of the adult social world for ever and its realy a scary thing thinking about it.
I didnt participate when I was at home for all of these years...it had been Just Him

Its difficult and hurts when you are used to having that other next to you ...no matter how they treated you it was still your relationship to have and keep and work on.

I dont think depression and this goal thing are very compatable?

It feels kind of like just pushing through it and making something up without any real direction.

I keep falling and wanting to find some other person who is physicaly here and will comfort and understand....ICK I know that sounds really like the direction I dont need to be going in.
So I have a smoke (i dont smoke) and get outside to look at the sky.

Maybe this is how you make a new life..and it can be what ever you want... humm.. not sure what I want now