Just found out she already filed

[whatisis]

WhereforartthouRomeo, nah... too long.
Romeo, I used to GAL my buns off when I separated. Despite the pain there was a sense of relief and freedom as well. I was going to build a life, which thanks to DB I had already started doing before the separation. I was taking Latin Line Dance, NIA which is an aerobic kind of exercise...sort of, and I was the only guy! I also did Yoga classes and took part in every church group I could handle, small groups, prayer groups, you name it I was doing it.
Have you ever checked out Meetup.com, some people have found some good times there and they have groups for every taste depending on the size of the city you live in. Check it out.

[NoLongerHere]

Thanks for stopping by Bill! I like your new alias

Thanks! I'm kind of wondering if all my buddies here are going to not recognize me now.

SO many songs. I could make a list. But this is still my song for right now:
Glen Phillips - Duck and Cover

Someone's in the backyard banging on the door
Daddy's gone away, he's coming back no more
His baby's curled up on a stranger's floor
Momma's thinking family dinners weren't too much to ask for

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

One way or the other we'll all need each other
Nothing's gonna turn out the way you thought it would
Friends and lovers, don't you duck and cover
Cause everything comes out the way it should

Blessed are the humble, blessed are the meek
Blessed are the hungry, blessed are the weak
Blessed are the ones on the other side
Bessed are we just for being alive

One day I stopped wanting anything at all
The heavens opened up like a waterfall
No use in worrying about when it ends
Just for now be thankful for what I get

One way or another a man's gonna suffer
Makes no difference the way you wanted it
Fiends and lovers, don't you duck and cover
Cause everything comes out the way it should in the end

Seems like life is a palindrome
Cry when you die, cry when you're born
In between it's all about the ups and downs
Add them all together, they'll cancel each other out

One way or another, one way or another
You won't get what you wanted, but you'll get enough for sure
One way or another, the winter pays for the summer
Won't get what you wanted, but what you got'll be good

Someone's in the backyard banging on the door
Daddy's gone away, he's coming back no more
His baby's curled up on a stranger's floor
Momma's thinking happy endings weren't too much to ask for

[OldFool]

I don't quite follow, what's the other half of the hurricane in this situation?

Well, it can be different things in different situations and at different times, but the gist is that you go through a crisis, then a calm period, and then another crisis. This could be a lot of fighting and problems in the M (first crisis), then things with the soon to be WAS seem to get better, then the WAS leaves (second crisis).

In your case, I was thinking of the problems you were having in the M and her departure the second time (front part of the storm), then things calm down a bit once you're apart and she's likely settled on the D...though you don't know it yet (the eye), then the D drops and the wheels come off (back part of the storm). The lull in between leaves you thinking, "Well, I survived that. Now we just have to work our way back." just before the whole thing falls apart.

I'm having trouble grasping the idea of going dark. I don't know what else I can do to go dark. Other than her b.day dinner and a handful of email exchanges over the past month we haven't communicated or seen each other.

Well, perhaps you have been darker than it sounds. It seems like you mention quite a bit of interaction, some pursuing (yes, the b.day counts), and the financial stuff. If you're just considering it here and none of it is actually being done, then I withdraw my remarks. However, if that's not the case.... It is true that with a child, it is impossible to go completely dark, but many here have used that as an excuse for not really doing the LRT when it's called for.

It's not the first time I've mentioned it in this forum, but I am continually reminded of the old song entitled, "How can I miss you if you won't go away." That's not a guarantee that if you go away she'll miss you. But if you don't, it's unlikely she ever will.

I'll be honest sad songs do me in. I can't stand them these days because I want to scream the lyrics so loud that she can hear me from my house.

You're taking me too literally. I'm not saying you should listen to sad songs. I'm saying that if music works for you, find something that's right for you. "Hold Me Now" might have done it for me, but maybe you need "I Will Survive" (Gloria Gaynor) as an anthem of survival or "I Just Haven't Met You Yet" (Michael Buble) as an ode to hope and the future.

As for StupidRomeo, I think it's fine. Frankly, it should be whatever you want it to be (if the back-story makes sense to you, that's all that matters). My apologies to those who insist you should change it, but I don't agree. But what do I know...I'm just an OldFool.

[ImprovedRomeo]

FM, thanks for the wise words. I looked at the link alice44 posted but they don't seem to be in SoCal. I've heard of another one called "it's just lunch" or something like that but that's really with the ultimate goal of finding the next soul mate. I'm looking more to expand my social network. Without STBXW I've lost a lot in terms of social network. She's really good at making friends - she already has several new friends from what I've been able to gather. Last night DD called her to say goodnight and she was at some new friend's house studying for this project management cert she's working on. The other lady has a kid DD's age so DD knew her. Anyway, I digress. I want to make new interesting and fun friends too but my low self-confidence/esteem get in the way.

Wii, I know about meetup.com and there's a single parent's group that I joined but haven't gotten out to any of their outings yet. I like the idea of enrolling in classes that are predominantly female! like jazzercising, yoga, dancing etc lol - somehow I feel I'll stick out like a sore thumb, it's so not me. Gimme tools and I'll take a motor apart in 2 hours...that's me. Or gimme the outdoors and I'll become the Survivorman...that's me.

Bill, just hit up your buddies in their threads if they haven't checked in on yours for a bit. I'm sure they'll recognize you. You can always go back to BillM Thanks for the song, I listened to it on youtube and liked it.

OF, at a minimum we need to see a summary of your sitch in your signature. As long as we've been talking I don't even know your age and can't remember how long you were married if you had grown kids but most importantly what you're doing now and what are your plans (I'd asked before but you didn't give any details :)).

As for going dark, I WANT to go dark but it's hard. When DD's with me she calls STBXW to say goodnight (and vice-versa with me) so while I dial and hand her the phone STBXW knows I'm in the house so at best I can only go dark for 2-3 days out of the week when DD's with her and she hears or knows nothing about me. I'm not making an excuse, I sometimes want to know where she is but so far I've resisted really well to find out. Sometimes I want to say how I feel (angry at times and sad at times and missing her at times) but I haven't said a word so far...just here to you guys.

I think the name thing is so I can improve my self-esteem my reading, hearing and thinking positively about myself. I still haven't decided on which one to go with.

[kat727]

Have you thought about teaching a class on car maintanance? I am sure a lot of women would sign up! We all need to know basic stuff. Maybe you could post something at work or maybe even at the local Y. Just a thought, you would be in your element and get to meet women...

kat

[ImprovedRomeo]

Kat, thanks that's a good suggestion. I'll check into it. I feel so demotivated to do anything that involves me stepping out of my comfort zone.

So STBXW responded after two days:

Here is the info that I have on DD's girl scout day. Let me know if you have any questions.

I stopped by today and picked up a few things and the mail. Thanks for the check too.

Not sure if the amount was enough or what she expected but that's all she wrote. I don't know what else I was expecting but it sucks to read between the lines 'you're nothing more than a convenience and DD's dad' - sometimes I want to hold her arms and shake her so she wakes up from this zombie state.

Along with flowmom, alice44,luvless,Mindful and CTH I'm not having a great day either.

[alice444]

Well, at least you didn't consume Good & Plenty's, junk coffee, chocolate donuts and some chex mix ON THE WAY HOME FROM THE GYM!!!!!! Sigh. Old habits coming back at me in my stress.

(did I mention that also in my bag of goodies on the seat next to me were gummy bears, Ben & Jerry's, an ice cream bar, more donuts and a huge unhealthy blueberry muffin????! I am not joking. It's ok. You can laugh- go ahead)

You and I are doing the same thing today, R- letting our spouses dictate our mood. I don't know how to beat it yet- it's easy to tell you not to let it get to you, harder to do it myself. Remember my wise Buddhist analogy of the leaf and the rock a few weeks ago? I tried to say to myself "you are the rock, you are the rock" today. But it didn't work so well.

For all you know, our SOs are holding themselves back from saying more b/c they are trying to distance and not think about what they're doing b/c they're not sure about it. We just don't know. How about you and I make a pact to try to do something WE feel like doing tonight, regardless of them, that makes us feel decent and not worry about what their next thought or move is-- Deal? I am going to watch some favorite TV shows (after I figure out how to get D2 to go to and stay asleep god dangit), eat a SMALL amount of treats, then read my good book. Maybe take a bath. You?

And please send anti-ice cream thoughts to me tonight

[whatisis]

Along with flowmom, alice44,luvless,Mindful and CTH I'm not having a great day either.

Just for the record I, Whatis, am having a great day...and I have no idea why! The wonderful thing about moods is that they change and so will all of yours (and so will mine). Feel better folks

[ImprovedRomeo]

How about you and I make a pact to try to do something WE feel like doing tonight, regardless of them, that makes us feel decent and not worry about what their next thought or move is-- Deal? I am going to watch some favorite TV shows (after I figure out how to get D2 to go to and stay asleep god dangit), eat a SMALL amount of treats, then read my good book. Maybe take a bath. You?

Deal! I got a hair cut on the way home (hair was way too long for my taste), I talked to the girl who cut my hair, not really my type but just small talk etc and it lifted my mood by 10 folds. I noticed it when I got back in the car to drive home.

Got home, worked out for a bit, took a shower, made dinner and watched 'The Eraser' on Netflix.

J, junk food's OK once in a while, besides you're so active with soccer etc it's no big deal.

Wii, glad to hear you're having a great day...keep it up!

[alice444]

Ah, I LOVE hearing that you just busting out of your shell and making a little small talk boosted your mood! Good for you! It makes such a difference, those little things...

Yeah, I know a few treats aren't bad, but you see, I LOVE to eat and have a huge sweet tooth I have to watch a bit. Because I'm also rather lazy and only work out the absolute minimum required to not gain (much) weight . Remember, I'm the one who undid my own workout today by pigging out on the way home! It all balances out somehow...

Keep the good mood goin-