Number 8's Revelations, Mistakes, and New Methods

[Number 8]

Technically this is true, but maybe I guess I have more of a feeling of abandonment. Things got too tough, and he split.

I totally get that. For me, my W doesn't actually leave, she just repeats it so often I am expecting it. When I need her most now, she wants to separate in the house so she doesn't have to be around with my problems.

It feels like abandonment and a real attack on the vulnerable nature of a married relationship. The hard part, I think, is not acting as though it were abandonment because it isn't.

It's so hard to be married to someone who wants to avoid problems, whether they're just your problems or the problems of both people in the relationship.

I've read some of your thread, and although our situations are different, I understand your feelings about M difficulties, too.

It IS hard to act like it's not abandonment. This may sound silly, but I feel like I no longer have someone who supports me unconditionally and is on my side, no matter what. When my mom was still alive, I knew that she was my biggest supporter and would do anything and everything for me. I felt the same about her. When she died, I believed that my H became the person who would be that for me. My father, humorous though he is, has been distant from me in different ways throughout my life. He's fickle and not prone to sharing feelings or emotions. I feel all the more abandoned because I feel so terribly alone. I'm 33 years old and feel like I can't handle any more loss. However, though Boxer dog can't speak his thoughts, I know that he loves me unconditionally all the time. That does bring me some comfort.

I'm angry that he doesn't think I'm worth the effort. I'm angry that he won't even consider trying to work on things.

I think, these seem like judgements, not actual facts. He has run away, but that doesn't mean he didn't consider it or think you aren't worth it. It might, but maybe there are other reasons. For example, maybe he thinks he can't ever be good enough to satisfy you and you deserve better. He may say otherwise in 'male pride', but I'm just saying there may be equally likely reasons.

Oh, you're so right! These DO seem like judgments! I'm either trying to mind-read or predict thoughts/feelings, and that's something he's done that I dislike. He hasn't actually said the words "you're not worth it." It just feels like that's the way it is. I guess I've inferred that from his unwillingness to work on things. He has said that I deserve better and deserve to be happy, but that just seemed like justification on his part to continue on with the separation.

I don't know how to go about doing this at this moment. He is determined to go straight down the divorce path, and he's not looking back.

So fight for your M. Fight. Don't just passively wait around. I'm not saying pursue and nag. I'm saying plan how to get allies, look for opportunities, get him to wonder about your life (build curiosity), etc.

This is where I'm really stuck. He said a few days ago, "It doesn't seem like you've realized what's really going on. You've been acting like everything is going to be okay. We're getting a divorce, [Number 8]!" I told him that I believed him every time he said it and that I was fully aware of what had happened/was happening.

He also seems determined to move his things out of the house, so I told him to come get them (but I used slightly more colorful language). I figured my preventing this would only make him more determined to do it, and I don't want it to become a battle of wills. It's likely that he'll come this Sunday to pack up. In other words, he completely and totally believes this is over. I am stuck.

I hope you had a good day today, and a good sleep, Number 8.

Thanks. I hope the same for you.