HELP! One step after Ultimatum..and the book ends

[Goingdownhill]

Hi everyone, I haven't posted my whole sitch but I will when I have time. Essentially a 3 year EA via the internet with Ex girlfriend from HS in another State using secret email accounts. Culminating with a letter to me a year ago, I'm leaving you by end of year. DBed my butt off. No changes, contact continued. Then I basically gave the 'no contact' and go to counseling ultimatum at the end of January. Last week while I was out of town, he contacted her again. I gave him the below letter today. Note: I have evidence of the contact.

I need advice. What do I do next? Is saying separate the right answer post-ultimatum?

4/22/2010


H, I'm very excited for you to get your dream to go to boot camp and join the military. Your respect for your father, uncles, history and wars and understanding of the fight for freedom is something all Americans should possess. But they don't. You are a cut above when it comes to that. Your kids are proud of you. I am proud of you!

That said, when you return I’d like us to set aside some time to discuss a temporary separation or time out for us and how that could work. I believe I need some time to think things through in our marriage and our future. I believe you do too because you have not been honest with me or yourself. There are some reasons why.

In my heart, I believe that you contacted your double ex while I was in LA for more than a spotting scope like you said. You committed you wouldn’t less than 90 days ago. I feel you are not being honest with me about the context of those discussions and I am not sure what else you may be hiding? My gut feeling tells me that you had unprotected sex with her that would put me and my personal health at risk. Did you? If you are afraid to admit these things to avoid conflict and hurting me it's too late for that. You already hurt me.

I needed you to never, ever contact her again. To change your behavior. And I feel you really needed to get some counseling on your own. You have tried for awhile and I recognize that. But it’s only for awhile and it never lasts, and you contact her again. Infidelity is an addiction and fantasy that is hard to break and you haven't gone to counseling to deal with it. Generally, it has no foundation based on ‘real love’ as counseling will reveal. And without counseling odds are likely that you will go back to your old behavior patterns again….when I’m away, when things get tough on us or when you feel aroused. Again putting me at risk.

I need honesty and trust as the foundation of a marriage and a faithful husband. For awhile now I’ve felt you cannot be trusted to tell the truth. Including, honesty with everyone around you. But in turn you demand that of your kids and of me. But not of yourself.

So we need some time from this existence to evaluate our situation. It isn't that I haven't tried 150% to save our marriage and our and our children's lives because I know I have. I have given it everything I possess in my heart and soul. It was a shot in the dark and now I need to come to terms with whether you would sign up to do the hard work to change. At this point, it looks uncertain. Although, I still hold hope in my heart. I just feel I can’t live with someone with an addiction and fantasy that would put me at risk. I can’t live with lies. I didn’t marry a person, just like OWH, who you encouraged her to leave to be with you for similar reasons, and who is now dead. I can’t be in a place where you do not care enough about me to do the right things to protect and take care of me, my body, your wife, the mother of your kids and lover. I entrusted you with all of me and my life. And if you don’t have it in you to care of that which is most precious to me, then someone else needs to and that needs to be me.

I do hope that you have fun at boot camp. You shouldn’t be nervous. You are still strong and able bodied at 46. You always could outperform most men at any age. And you are so very smart. Just be careful and don't get hurt. I love you immensely. I am a good girl and deserve more, I deserve honesty, and to be treated better by my best friend, husband and lover.

Love,

Me