Maybe the words I threw back at him: just like you decided you were "Done" and chose a day to announce it to me; I decided I was "done" and needed to move your stuff" resonated with him.
But here is a huge and heartwrenching DUH. Brought to you by none other than Cosmo magazine. Which was just in the costume shop; I was reading it for the sex tips which maybe one day I'll get to use.
ANYHOW--in the "advice column" at least 3 times in 2 issues, the advisor wrote "many men emotionally disengage from the R months before actually making the break."
Now, duh, this is totally WAS. But I always found it so painful to read about that--to see and understand and know that X must have been sooo unhappy for so long--and perhaps all the last year--who knows? was a big pretense as his heart slowly withdrew from me--and I never knew.
I guess we hear things when we are ready to hear them, even from unlikely sources. When I have the strength, I will learn more about WAS, but I still can't bear the pain and guilt of finding out how unhappy he was...and I didn't know it.
Oh, there is more to post, but I can't wallow right now.
Wish me luck for the HALF-marathon on Sunday! I hope my cute running skirt arrives in time! (and don't worry, MF--these skirts come with compression shorts--wouldn't go out without 'em!)
And yes it's hard to realize that our Hs were gone before they were gone . That preoccupies me often too.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
guys - I knew my husband had 'made another life' - disengaged from our life together and I tried on dozens of occassions to talk to him about it - first he told me there was nothing wrong, then it was his job, then it was me, then he wasn't having an affair - it was his job and then eventually i confirmed his affair, he moved out and I am picking up the pieces and protecting the children.
I know I made mistakes in our marriage but I know in my heart of hearts I tried really hard to do things differently - to try and get a different outcome - I hope you will start to see the effort you actually put into keeping yur marriage alive and on the right track - and give yourself credit for it but there are times when you are pushing water uphill.......
good luck with your half marathon - go for it!!!
lalxx
Choose Life Me: 45 Him: 44 S:11 D:8 Met in 1992 Married in 1995 Bomb drop September 30th 2009 Divorce final April 16th 2011 exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
ANYHOW--in the "advice column" at least 3 times in 2 issues, the advisor wrote "many men emotionally disengage from the R months before actually making the break."
Now, duh, this is totally WAS. But I always found it so painful to read about that--to see and understand and know that X must have been sooo unhappy for so long--and perhaps all the last year--who knows? was a big pretense as his heart slowly withdrew from me--and I never knew.
Very true, as we all (now) know. But in the beginning - and even sometimes now - my reaction (to myself) to that reality was/is, "Then why didn't you say something?!?!!"
Good luck in - and congratulations on - the half marathon. Are we gonna get a picture of you in that cute running skirt in the .alt?
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Thanks for chiming in lalxx, but part of my heartbreak is that I DIDN'T try. Having no idea that he was unhappy, I blithely went about my life, assuming all was OK. He made it very easy for me to take him/us for granted.
Then, when he did the big walk-away, I was given NO opportunity to work on the R. I did all the DB'ing--let him go, acted "as if", GAL'ed, etc. In retrospect, I have to wonder if he was wondering/hoping that I would fight for him--based on just two or three little remarks he made early on.
Well, he had my initial "apology, let's try, here's my heart, you mean all to me" letter, so, he did have that info if he wanted it.
I wish I had your comfort of knowing you tried. And yes, I will be honest and say how much it hurts that some of us got a chance to try, but I didn't.
The running skirt arrived yesterday and I did a practice run in it this morning--with capris under as well--and if I may say so myself, it is the CUTEST thing.
You're right, Gardener, I will need a picture of me in it (preferably before) to post in the alt! Good idea!
Oh, and did I mention I have a date with a doctor on Saturday??? my mother would have been so proud!
Ran the half in 2' 55"--beating my first run by 3'5", this despite stomach cramps, nausea, hills, and headwind! (dilute the juice next time!)
Got a semi-decent pic which I will post in the alt.
Date withe doctor didn't happen--very reasonable scheduling conflicts came up.
X is in the house tonite to pack up the china cabinet. I considered taking the cat out of the house so X can't pet and snuggle him. Giving up Scooter goes along with giving up his whole former life.
The combination of zoloft and wellbutrin (added the wellbutrin last week) seems to be working well. Didn't drink ALL week in prep for the race, and had no trouble with that. A lot less crying this week.
Oh---as I struggled in the last half-mile (sincerely praying I wouldn't hurl before the finish) I listed with gratitude all of you who have carried me this far.
I said: this is for chatterbug, and ruledworld, flowmom, newmama, gardener, blownaway, kara, gnosis, gima, greek, pearl, LFA, HHH, coach, puppy, gucci....everyone everyone without whom I wouldn't be running down this road in this sassy little skirt!
Just catching up- Way to go with the marathon AND your sassy skirt! Did you eat a big meal after? Can you walk today? lol!
About the men being emotionally detached before they leave-I did the same as lalxx when my WH said the same things her H did. Here is what I guess- EVEN IF YOU did try to work on it, your ex wouldn't have come around if there was an OW! (I can't remember when he started seeing her or if you even know)
So you did not waste your time- I remember resenting that I was the only one working so hard to try and get him to come around and that he needed to want it too. That was before I knew about OW and after I found out but thought he ended it.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
No, I didn't eat a lot after...took several hours before I felt l like getting anything major down. I did enjoy my well deserved wine!
Re: the WAH...I'll go read up on lalxx. My X started with OW in May. If I had to guess...he, in his heart, thought our life together was good, was great. Then...wow! a hyper sexual woman! (yes, our sex life was lacking, and yes, it was LD on my part) and suddenly, he realized..."life could be different."
I have to guess that there's more to it than sex by now, a whole year later. F**k, how is that possible? OW is smiling and loving--marking a YEAR anniversary with her wonderful man! She walked into VT and hit the gold mine. He's freaking supporting her! (well, I guess she has income from somewhere)
Oh, blah, getting all worked up...breathe.
There was nothing I could do, I guess. He was, and is, in the grip of the infatuation, and wanted nothing to do with me. I could smile, cry, run naked through the streets--I don't think he would have noticed.
Crap. And now there's daily "coming by to pack things up" Death by a thousand cuts. Good thing I got all his personal stuff out of the house! Should have hired a professional mover to get all the tools, etc, out.
More later--rehearsal is over--have to pay attention!
. That preoccupies me often too.