Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

[james217]

Last night I told WAW I was thinking of leaving as you know. For the 2nd she saw a chance that I was leaving (the hospital was the 2nd time)

She cries and carries on stating she loves me don't leave her. Im not supposed to be sick like this or in a coma or leaving her.

She asks me where I'm going to sleep tonight I state I don't know. We hug and kiss. I leave her place and hop in a taxi.

She told me she knows I won't leave her. She knows I’m going to always be there for her no matter what. She doesn’t even really take me seriously after awhile of her crying. She just keeps saying she knows I won’t leave her ever. I will always be there for her to love and care about her. That I will always be her friend and there to talk to her when she needs me. She also says what about her? What about how she feels about me. How much she loves and will miss me. I mean she was pretty hysterical. She was hugging me and kissing me and telling me not to leave. She wanted to know where I would be. She wanted to email and call me if I go. I said I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I can’t keep feeling the way I feel knowing right now she doesn’t want a relationship. I told her I understood her decision but I’m kind of confused and I want to be in my own place with space as well even though I miss my family and my wife.

I took the battery out of my phone and left it with her. I didn't want to talk to anyone and I knew I had several other batteries at home but with no battery in my phone I won’t be tempted to text or call and I can take some space for myself and think.

I ended up going to the park for a little while and just sitting down thinking about my entire life. Then I came back to my parents house.

WAW was emaling me from her phone asking if i'm ok and all this other stuff and where would I go etc etc.

I talk to my dad for a few mins about the convo I had earlier with mom. I sit outside smoking and thinking about my life again and what me and my father talked about.

Then I call waw and she asks where I am. I tell her I'm at home. We talk for a little while and she's telling me to think over leaving and did I talk to my father.

I get a call from one of my female best friends (dated for a brief period) and shes asking am I ok. I tell WAW i WILL CALL her back and she asks why? I tell her I have something to do. She is upset and jealous stating I must have another call and says fine she'll talk to me later.

I call back about an hour later. WAW is still crying asking if Im leaving. g\I state I do not know I have to think about it over the weekend and just weigh my options

This morning she texts me. The battery for my phone wasn’t working so I did not hear my phone so when I checked my email I see she had sent me some messages. I finally found one that worked and called her back.

Yesterday while at the library and then after we ate at Chinese restaurant we sat down and looked up jobs and I gave her some of the jobs I had. She even talked about wanting to work with me. I told her I don’t think that’s a good idea. She asked me why. I stated because I don’t know if I could deal with seeing her everyday at work because it would be a distraction. She starts flirting and states we could go to lunch together and talk on breaks and work the same shift and go to work and from work together and that she can make sure I don’t get sick and whatnot. I think it’s because she wants to keep an eye on me while I’m working. There are alllllllllllot of nice looking ladies up there but I’m not interested in that. I really don’t think that would be a good idea.

So she brings up the working together subject again. As well as a few other jobs I had interviews set up with that I cancelled because I got a job already. So this morning she’s a wreck. She called one of the jobs that was going to interview me and she has a million questions.

She asks me to meet her at the library again like yesterday. I’m still groggy and sleep. She keeps trying to wake me up. I finally wake up and start getting my clothes ready and I’m about to hop in the shower and hop in a taxi to get to the bus stop to meet her there. I’m really procrastinating because I want to go but in a way I always don’t want to go. So I look up the job information and requirements and explain to her how to get her resume from the library (I don’t know why she’s acting like she can’t do it) then explain to her about the job and how she meets the criteria for the job offer words of encouragement to build her up for the phone interview and she says she’ll call me back.

We text a little while. I ask her about her bday tomorrow and if she wants to get lunch today. She stated she’s going to go over to her mother’s house and spend the night and her bday wit her family. I’m pretty disappointed about it because I’ve been asking her all week what she has to do and she states she has no plans. I guess her sister called her and asked if she wanted to go over there.

I asked her if she wanted to still have lunch but she wants to see her family. So I get kind of quiet and she’s like what’s wrong. Im still pretty silent.

She starts stating the time we spend together is never enough. I validate and reassure that I have appreciated the time we have spent together and have enjoyed it. I state how I wanted to do something nice this year on her bday or the day before or after because we really did not have any money last year and it kind of saddened me. She says I’ve done enough to help her so far with bills, rent, food, job leads, time, encourage, and emotional, mental and physical support. She also states she misses her family because she hasn’t seen them this week. We text a little while longer then we both go silent.

I’m dbing about fair right now. There are no blow ups and arguments. I’m thinking things through and calmly expressing them. I try to validate and reassure but HOW THE HECK DO I STOP THIS?

I think by trying to GAL and focusing on me. I’m trying to stop this. It’s very hard. I enjoy spending time with WAW. I enjoy our dates and meals and phone convos and texts and MLing and talking and laughing and confiding in each other.

But only about 15 percent of the time is it on my terms. She does agree to do some things. But it’s like once she’s done she’s done. But I have seen a lot of her lately. Monday was me at the hospital then we checked into my motel room. Tuesday we went to her place and spent pretty much all day together I left out that evening. Wednesday we to the library had lunch and talked and then went to her place and I left after midnight.
Thursday she wanted me to come help her at the library. Friday is her bday I probably wont see her for the rest of the week. Then Monday I start work.

Just just like you stated c.g and t.h.a. Was this really all about because I became sick? If I would not have had a seizure would the rest of this week have happened? Or was it just the thought of losing her “no strings attached H?”

And how do I turn this around? Is there a way to? Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe she’s cake eating. I have a million thoughts going through my head right now.

I need some tell it like it is talk.

I do think i'm going to try to tough it out with my parents and save some money and then move later.