Time for darkness.... (thread number 3)ears open

[james217]

I agree with CG.

I think your mom is worried about you and rather than be more compassionate about it, she's venting and is angry. My mother would probably be the same way with me.

I think you need to sit them down and hear them out and let them hear you out.

As for WAW, you are providing her with the physical aspect of a R that she needs. OM is providing her with the emotional aspect. You shouldn't have to settle. That's not right. I feel like you're getting too comfortable with her.

hang in there.

My mom has always taken care of all her brothers and sisters and their children and my grandmother. Then comes my dad me and my sister. By the time she gets to us she's tired frustrated and doesn't see how sad that makes us. Because when I told her about the surgery she told me she was going out of town to one of my 1st cousin's children's graduation from kindergarten. Now I don't know abbout you but I know if my son was facing surgeries and was just recently in the hospital I wouldn't be going out of town for trips for kindergarten graduations. So she wants my father to take off of work to do the surgery if she's not here. They ask her to do things that they would not do for her at all. When she was in the hospital they weren't even there even though they were at the house. It's very frustrating.

I can never get both of my parents to sit down at the same time. It doesn't work. Their M works for them but I don't even understand it lol.

Waw I don't know about. She confides in me. When I was at her place there were no landline calls. She wasn't consistently looking at her phone and chatting or texting. She didn't go in the bathroom to do any suspicious behaviour.

SHe did say she needs more space and time to work on things she's working on. But she turns to me alot more. For advice, help, confiding, talking about things. We have really really talked alot and she's been very open and relaxed. That's how I can bust the E.A. totally. I think it's realy dwindling and it's because me and her can have talks. She turns to her family more as well

But just like you two wise women say i'm getting comfortable and I think she is too.

She is getting the relationship aspects without any type of committment so why would it change?

She gets jealous whenever women talk to me or anyone calls me. Heck I had a few friends call and check on me and she immediately wanted to know who it was on yesterday. If I get a text and reply or i'm even on here the green monster shows up.

When I'm not answering her calls she's texting or emailing me. But then when I start pursueing or overpursueing maybe? she runs

I have improved on this alot but I need to get better. I am going to go smoke and then post today's update.

Thank you both for the replies. I reallya ppreciate that.

[james217]

Last night I told WAW I was thinking of leaving as you know. For the 2nd she saw a chance that I was leaving (the hospital was the 2nd time)

She cries and carries on stating she loves me don't leave her. Im not supposed to be sick like this or in a coma or leaving her.

She asks me where I'm going to sleep tonight I state I don't know. We hug and kiss. I leave her place and hop in a taxi.

She told me she knows I won't leave her. She knows I’m going to always be there for her no matter what. She doesn’t even really take me seriously after awhile of her crying. She just keeps saying she knows I won’t leave her ever. I will always be there for her to love and care about her. That I will always be her friend and there to talk to her when she needs me. She also says what about her? What about how she feels about me. How much she loves and will miss me. I mean she was pretty hysterical. She was hugging me and kissing me and telling me not to leave. She wanted to know where I would be. She wanted to email and call me if I go. I said I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I can’t keep feeling the way I feel knowing right now she doesn’t want a relationship. I told her I understood her decision but I’m kind of confused and I want to be in my own place with space as well even though I miss my family and my wife.

I took the battery out of my phone and left it with her. I didn't want to talk to anyone and I knew I had several other batteries at home but with no battery in my phone I won’t be tempted to text or call and I can take some space for myself and think.

I ended up going to the park for a little while and just sitting down thinking about my entire life. Then I came back to my parents house.

WAW was emaling me from her phone asking if i'm ok and all this other stuff and where would I go etc etc.

I talk to my dad for a few mins about the convo I had earlier with mom. I sit outside smoking and thinking about my life again and what me and my father talked about.

Then I call waw and she asks where I am. I tell her I'm at home. We talk for a little while and she's telling me to think over leaving and did I talk to my father.

I get a call from one of my female best friends (dated for a brief period) and shes asking am I ok. I tell WAW i WILL CALL her back and she asks why? I tell her I have something to do. She is upset and jealous stating I must have another call and says fine she'll talk to me later.

I call back about an hour later. WAW is still crying asking if Im leaving. g\I state I do not know I have to think about it over the weekend and just weigh my options

This morning she texts me. The battery for my phone wasn’t working so I did not hear my phone so when I checked my email I see she had sent me some messages. I finally found one that worked and called her back.

Yesterday while at the library and then after we ate at Chinese restaurant we sat down and looked up jobs and I gave her some of the jobs I had. She even talked about wanting to work with me. I told her I don’t think that’s a good idea. She asked me why. I stated because I don’t know if I could deal with seeing her everyday at work because it would be a distraction. She starts flirting and states we could go to lunch together and talk on breaks and work the same shift and go to work and from work together and that she can make sure I don’t get sick and whatnot. I think it’s because she wants to keep an eye on me while I’m working. There are alllllllllllot of nice looking ladies up there but I’m not interested in that. I really don’t think that would be a good idea.

So she brings up the working together subject again. As well as a few other jobs I had interviews set up with that I cancelled because I got a job already. So this morning she’s a wreck. She called one of the jobs that was going to interview me and she has a million questions.

She asks me to meet her at the library again like yesterday. I’m still groggy and sleep. She keeps trying to wake me up. I finally wake up and start getting my clothes ready and I’m about to hop in the shower and hop in a taxi to get to the bus stop to meet her there. I’m really procrastinating because I want to go but in a way I always don’t want to go. So I look up the job information and requirements and explain to her how to get her resume from the library (I don’t know why she’s acting like she can’t do it) then explain to her about the job and how she meets the criteria for the job offer words of encouragement to build her up for the phone interview and she says she’ll call me back.

We text a little while. I ask her about her bday tomorrow and if she wants to get lunch today. She stated she’s going to go over to her mother’s house and spend the night and her bday wit her family. I’m pretty disappointed about it because I’ve been asking her all week what she has to do and she states she has no plans. I guess her sister called her and asked if she wanted to go over there.

I asked her if she wanted to still have lunch but she wants to see her family. So I get kind of quiet and she’s like what’s wrong. Im still pretty silent.

She starts stating the time we spend together is never enough. I validate and reassure that I have appreciated the time we have spent together and have enjoyed it. I state how I wanted to do something nice this year on her bday or the day before or after because we really did not have any money last year and it kind of saddened me. She says I’ve done enough to help her so far with bills, rent, food, job leads, time, encourage, and emotional, mental and physical support. She also states she misses her family because she hasn’t seen them this week. We text a little while longer then we both go silent.

I’m dbing about fair right now. There are no blow ups and arguments. I’m thinking things through and calmly expressing them. I try to validate and reassure but HOW THE HECK DO I STOP THIS?

I think by trying to GAL and focusing on me. I’m trying to stop this. It’s very hard. I enjoy spending time with WAW. I enjoy our dates and meals and phone convos and texts and MLing and talking and laughing and confiding in each other.

But only about 15 percent of the time is it on my terms. She does agree to do some things. But it’s like once she’s done she’s done. But I have seen a lot of her lately. Monday was me at the hospital then we checked into my motel room. Tuesday we went to her place and spent pretty much all day together I left out that evening. Wednesday we to the library had lunch and talked and then went to her place and I left after midnight.
Thursday she wanted me to come help her at the library. Friday is her bday I probably wont see her for the rest of the week. Then Monday I start work.

Just just like you stated c.g and t.h.a. Was this really all about because I became sick? If I would not have had a seizure would the rest of this week have happened? Or was it just the thought of losing her “no strings attached H?”

And how do I turn this around? Is there a way to? Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe she’s cake eating. I have a million thoughts going through my head right now.

I need some tell it like it is talk.

I do think i'm going to try to tough it out with my parents and save some money and then move later.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

She told me she knows I won't leave her. She knows I’m going to always be there for her no matter what. She doesn’t even really take me seriously after awhile of her crying. She just keeps saying she knows I won’t leave her ever. I will always be there for her to love and care about her. That I will always be her friend and there to talk to her when she needs me.

And that, right there, James . . . is your problem.

So long as that's how she feels, you'll be stuck.

You can't even go 48 HOURS without contacting her; how will you ever be able to convince her otherwise??

Puppy

[soleil]

And that, right there, James . . . is your problem.

Bingo

[timehealsall]

James, please, please, please listen!!!!!

She is baiting you brother..

You have her in a good place right now (meaning she is showing interest) BUT you are making one mistake after another. You know you should be focusing on YOU, yet you're running all over the second she asks you to.

You can't continue to do that.

You give her your cell phone battery, only to go and go searching for another one to call her back? how does that make sense...

Like she said, she KNOWS you'll ALWAYS be there. That's probably the only truth that has left her mouth.

And don't even think of entertaining the idea of her working with you. That's not going to work.

Forget the phone calls/emails/texts. You need time for YOU. You just had a major health issue because of your STRESS and look at what you are doing? you are bringing this onto yourself.

stop allowing her to pu$$ywhip you and just take it! find your nuts and use them! Stand up for yourself. This is BS!

DBing is about self preservation, self respect, taking care of yourself. It's not about avoiding arguments. You are giving into her every request and every whim.

Now stop it!

[james217]

ok you guys are right. ill start the 48 hours. PDT.

She told me she knows I won't leave her. She knows I’m going to always be there for her no matter what. She doesn’t even really take me seriously after awhile of her crying. She just keeps saying she knows I won’t leave her ever. I will always be there for her to love and care about her. That I will always be her friend and there to talk to her when she needs me.

And that, right there, James . . . is your problem.

So long as that's how she feels, you'll be stuck.

You can't even go 48 HOURS without contacting her; how will you ever be able to convince her otherwise??

Puppy

I guess youre right PDT. And that's exactly how I feel. "stuck" perfect word. Perfect tell it how it is short and sweet advice.

I think I've done a pretty good job of phase 1. My plan may be stupid but this is what i'm thinking about the sitch with her.

I wanted to make everything a lie. I wanted to show her how I really felt. I felt really bad about some of the things she's stated because I was that guy. I didn't pay her attention or compliment her or hold her that way or listen to her or take her nice places and talk to her in a lovingly way.

So I made several fun happy memories so that's the last thing she will remember. When she thinks of me she can think of our dates together all of this month. She can remember all our fun conversations. If she so chooses.

She has gone from totally hating me or having all this anger to somewhat missing me, calling me, pursueing me even for brief periods.

She has confided in me. We've talked and whatever else. I'm not gonna get sick worrying about this stuff. I'm trying to take it easy for the next few days until work.

I don't understand why I cant just be nice and loving and not have it taken for granted.

im going nc contact 48 and then hope I can last a little longer. I have detached somewhat. I'm not an emotional wreck or consitently sending texts calls and emails but I need to really do better at it
I have to let her miss me and if she doesn't then I know her love for me was not true.

[james217]

James, please, please, please listen!!!!!

She is baiting you brother..

You have her in a good place right now (meaning she is showing interest) BUT you are making one mistake after another. You know you should be focusing on YOU, yet you're running all over the second she asks you to.

You can't continue to do that.

You give her your cell phone battery, only to go and go searching for another one to call her back? how does that make sense...

Like she said, she KNOWS you'll ALWAYS be there. That's probably the only truth that has left her mouth.

And don't even think of entertaining the idea of her working with you. That's not going to work.

Forget the phone calls/emails/texts. You need time for YOU. You just had a major health issue because of your STRESS and look at what you are doing? you are bringing this onto yourself.

stop allowing her to pu$$ywhip you and just take it! find your nuts and use them! Stand up for yourself. This is BS!

DBing is about self preservation, self respect, taking care of yourself. It's not about avoiding arguments. You are giving into her every request and every whim.

Now stop it!

I don’t want her working with me. It would be chaotic. Last night and today showed me a lot too. She wants to keep tabs on me. Doesn’t want any women near me (even though she jokes about them) Wants to be able to access my phone my password protected computer login. Etc etc but even though she’s been more open I haven’t seen any suspicious activity or anything she still is kind of secretive.

She is enjoying the thrill of this too. The chase. It’s given her an excitement she hasn’t felt in months with me and she likes it. She is loving the attention the compliments the wining and dining. She has stated that I have spoiled her and I always used to spoil her before I got sick. I think she thinks that will change if she comes back home once we work some things out but I’m working hard not to.

I’m really trying to forget about the calls/texts/emails T.H.A. Really hard though. The time is really special to me especially our intimacy but I gotta stop it.

I’m never going to get out of this rut with her. I snooped on the call history just to see. What was going on. Pretty much calls to her sister and her female friends. One call stood out like a sore thumb though. 20 minute conversation with E.A. O.M. They really do not talk a lot. Short conversations. Even over the past week or so. Nothing longer than 10 mins. I am the most frequent person she calls and texts. No one else even comes close.

LOL T.H.A. I cannot believe you said the “P” word (just kidding) yea I know but to be getting it on a consistent basis after 2 months of nothing really threw me off too.

The sad thing is she spent more time on the phone talking to her family friends me and E.A. OM than calling back on the job leads she asked me about earlier. She’ll call those numbers back to back. (cept E.A O.M.) But you call a job once and get voicemail and not a live person? SMH She’s never going to get a job that way. Oh well time for her to put on her BGPs and grow up some.

She just texted me about the jobs. Stating she didn’t get a call back. Well that’s her damn fault. Obviously she didn’t learn from the other job. They were having interviews tomorrow too and she has totally ruined that. I’m not going to keep bailing her out either. I love her and care about her dearly but this isn’t fair. I think she’s going to try to come and work with me. She really wants to do that. Oh god no. I did not respond to the text message though.

I finally actually did the task of looking through the text messages. Still texts to unrecognized numbers. Mainly texts to me and both of her sisters. though. A few to E.A. O.M. some last Friday to P.A. O.M and a few other days last week. Her calls are not that frequent. They are dwindling just as I suspected. So are the text messages.

Im just relaxing and listening to music and walking. I wish it didn’t have to be this way. Why can’t love just be appreciated valued and shown all the time. I know I’m not perfect but I really care about people. Since I don’t have my family anymore I’ll just have to fight for me. I’m in the ring back against the wall facing

Can someone link me to the stages of infidelity? I’m not mad not gonna mention it. Not gonna text or call her. Still dark. The text messages take awhile for me to download and sort through and to see if she’s still lying. I don’t see a lot of funny stuff going on. I can’t tell who sent/received the text message I can only tell when and where they came from. I do know she tried to call P.A. O.M last week and got no answer.

She’s pretty much only texting her E.A. O.M. and calling him with just a little frequency. *shrugs* nothing I can do about it.

[CityGirl]

The long update you made was filled with pursuit on your part. Maybe you can read what you wrote and list all the ways you pursued your W. It might sink in if you figure it out for yourself rather than have us tell you.

Your W is not only cake eating, she is controlling you.

[james217]

The long update you made was filled with pursuit on your part. Maybe you can read what you wrote and list all the ways you pursued your W. It might sink in if you figure it out for yourself rather than have us tell you.

Your W is not only cake eating, she is controlling you.

yep i'm trying to stop it. i have really really cut down on texting over the past few weeks and now i'm really trying to do the 48 N.C.

She has me right where she wants me. I've made a little progress but the next step is to stop pursueing so much detach and chill.

I want to call her on her bday and she wants to go out saturday. Sighs I just got a text about that.

This is driving me bonkers. Talking about working together again.

What the hell does she want from me?!!!!! What the hell does she want me to freaking do??!!

flirty dirty intimate talk.

she's pursueing me as well but then puts me in this little freaking box and opens it up and takes out her H to play with when she's ready then when she gets tired of the toy she puts it back in the box.

*looks@gray hairs in head* *sees bags under his eyes*

When I read other threads on this forum and see how people have lst for a long long time it makes me respect them even more when looking at my own situation.

I wish they wouldn't have to go through that and one of us were here but man you guys are really strong. I hope I can get that strong soon.

I miss her like crazy and she knows exactly how to get to me to push my buttons to make me wanna talk or do things for her. *sighs*

*puts his phone up and goes to read a book*

[timehealsall]

You will begin to feel that empowerment once you take control of the situation.

And yes I dropped the p word. You made me do it. Lol