THA, No, he hasn't come out and said that he wants to work on the marriage. I'm not trying to mind read here, but I think that's what he would want to do. I can't imagine that he would move back in and want an in house separation. But then again...there are so many things I would have never imagined him doing. I just remember him becoming so distant and he was so determined to leave the house back in 2008, that I can't see him moving back in if he didn't have an interest in working on the marriage - back then he wanted out so badly.
We haven't had much discussion on the details of the A so I guess I really don't know what he's feeling - except he said that it wasn't worth it, he doesn't know what he was trying to do and he's sorry about hurting DD.
IDK if he will go to counseling. When he moved out, I asked many times if he would go. Now I see exactly why he wouldn't - he was in the middle of an A. Would he go now? IDK. He's never been into that type of help. But I haven't asked him about counseling for a long time.
I'm sorry that your H hasn't shown remorse to you. I know that is a horrible feeling - at least it is for me. I really have a hard time with that.
Maple, thank you for sharing your conditions. I don't know about MC - I'm sure it would help, but getting my H there might be a challenge. But then again...if he wants back in, he needs to make things right and MC might need to be a necessity. Numbers 2-4 absolutely and I would like to see my H back in church. 1. H had to commit to MC 2. No contact with OW 3. STD tests 4. Transparency plan - able to view cell phone, email accounts, etc...
So you and your H have been piecing since January. Wow, and it's taken him like 3 months to act remorseful? I just don't get that. Maybe it takes that long for the consequences to really sink in - for them to really start being empathetic and to not feel like the victim or whatever. I'm not sure, but I wish you guys the very best. I know we're all pulling for each other here.
At this point I haven't started IC, but it's something I want to look into.
TGF, Welll...I guess yeah...I'm in a way I do know what I want. I for sure want my H to show sincere remorse, accept responsibility and do the right things needed to restore our marriage and gain my trust. Along with the conditions above, I would also want us to both set boundaries so a future A wouldn't happen - kind of like setting limits and boundaries, not putting ourselves into a vulnerable position for an A to happen. And I know we would both need to focus on making each other a priority - date nights, vacations, doing nice things for each other, etc.
I'm not sure what to ask my H or how to even start a conversation about his A and the future. He doesn't seem very open to talking about it. It sounds stupid to say that I'm not sure how to talk to my H, but I'm really not. Where do I even begin? There so much to address. Your comment, "If he is in the right place and you turn him away, it could crush his spirit and will" is a definite concern of mine. Maybe that's why I have this gut feeling of urgency. I don't want to forgive too soon, but I feel like after 2 years he FINALLY has an interest in fixing this - it just feels kind of wrong to not move forward in that direction. But yet, there are reservations as well.
PH, thanks for letting me know about piecing. I guess I didn't think it was going to be so hard. I mean OBVIOUSLY, it's going to be very hard - but I thought it might be a little easier then what I've dealt with the last 2 years - going to bed alone, wondering what H is doing, taking care of DD and the house on my own, comforting DD when she asks for her dad and so forth. But yeah...addressing all of the issues, lies, betrayal - it's going to be very difficult and painful. The different steps of this journey all bring tremendous obstacles to overcome.
Sigh.
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
I feel like after 2 years he FINALLY has an interest in fixing this - it just feels kind of wrong to not move forward in that direction.
Don't even think about it unless and until H actually says that he wants to work on the M. Everything else is pure speculation.
Right now I'm sure, in his mind, he wants to come back to the house because he thinks everything will just go back to normal with no questions asked. Is this what you want?
You aren't piecing until both of you want the R. Making noises about moving back in is not the same thing.
Why is it wrong to want to wait and see what happens? You would be much wiser to take things slowly and make sure they are progressing to your satisfaction first. How would D3 feel if her dad moved back in only to leave a few months later? How would you feel?
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
No, I don't want him to move back in and just act like everything is peachy. There is A LOT of work and restoration that needs to be done. I guess I didn't really get that he might try to move back in and not address the A and everything else. But since he hasn't apologized to me, maybe he really thinks he could just move back in and we could jump right back into life together - sex and all.
I know that we aren't piecing. At this point I think he’s probably interested in finally doing the right thing for DD, not for me.
It's not that it's wrong to wait and see what happens. I just felt like since he finally admitted the A (after lying about it for so long) that maybe he was ready to work on the marriage. Why else would he finally admit it? Guilt? Did OW dump him?
I really want to have some consistency in my life. I'm exhausted from dealing with this. I'm tired of being alone. I'm ready to stop seeing my DD sad bc her dad isn't here. I’m tired of just ignoring him and the situation. Yes I can GAL and try to keep a positive attitude – but really there is only so much effort and patience I have to give. This is sucking the life out of me.
....I know - I'm whining and I need to suck it up and I will! I'm just at my wit’s end with all of this.
And it's still a roller coaster ride. One day my heart is completely broken and the next day I can't stand to be around him. Like last night as we were telling DD goodnight - he was right next to me and I almost felt disgusted - like I didn't want him around me and that's bc I had these sick mental images of him and OW pop into my head.
I guess I’m just having some overwhelming days and thoughts – which is par for the course.
Sigh....
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
I guess I’m just having some overwhelming days and thoughts – which is par for the course.
Sigh....
be rerady for more of these kind of days as well....do what you think is best for you, take it slow, make sure it is what you want and feel is the right choice.
right here with ya,
Gman
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
It's not that it's wrong to wait and see what happens. I just felt like since he finally admitted the A (after lying about it for so long) that maybe he was ready to work on the marriage. Why else would he finally admit it? Guilt? Did OW dump him?
I think it's quite likely that it's one of those two things, or even a combination of them. At some point, a wayward will want to try to "normalize" their affair into their life as much as possible.
At this point, should I be asking him any questions - if it's ended? If he has any contact with her, etc? I feel like I buried my head in the sand for such a long a$$ time and I don't want to do that again.
It's time for serious boundaries and no more bs.
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
Proceed as if he's still in contact with her, and lay out those boundaries you feel YOU need in order to live peaceably. I will warn you, however, once a cheating spouse either self-confesses or is exposed, it drastically changes the whole dynamic of boundaries. I realized this in an "oh my God" moment with my sitch, when suddenly I realized I couldn't really attack the affair anymore, since it was now exposed. Like the foreign-policy hawks after the end of the Cold War, I was left with this gnawing "NOW what?" moment.
All I could do was expect her to let me (and esp. the kids) know when she'd be home, not spend our family's assets on her affair, and not call or text him from inside our house or in front of our kids. That was about it.
I made it very clear that I would not even consider talking about reconciling until he had completely cut all communication with OW and sent a no contact letter that I had approved (even after he said he ended contact I caught him twice), we agreed on a financial settlement should we end up splitting for good, and he agreed to do whatever work was necessary to address the issues we had. Even after all of this I told him that there was no guarantee I would take him back, I would only agree to try.
Start educating yourself about recovery from infidelity. Read the books, see an IC, do what you need to do to figure out what you want and what you're prepared to deal with. If you don't do the work, how can you expect H to do the work?
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Ohh courts, I really hated that phase you are in now. I was spinning all over the place. My stomach was a knot and FEAR was driving me nuts. (not much has changed since-lol)
Puppy and pearl and the rest of the guys give you good advice IMO. And Puppy gives you the textbook advice (so does pearl). And they are both piecing so that says something. But as pearl mentioned and I think Puppy would agree too (if not, forgive me), just as much as anything else in this journey, the road to..."heaven" I realised, isnt a straight road. On the contrary.
It's not :you want back, fine, beg and plead and do EVERYTHING I need now and we will live happily ever after.
You have to listen to the advice and adjust it to your sitch. I was all for boundaries, laying it all out, being clear etc etc. Well, H fooled me for a year (I am naive, what can I say?) and now that I consider what we are doing the real piecing effort, I still get to choose DAILY which path to choose and how to proceed.
Dont get me wrong, not about my boundaries, or other BIGGIES=dealbreakers, but for example, I had a hard time recognising his remorse. It was there, I see it now, but he doenst express it the way I pictured he would.
It took us 5 months to resume PA and all these months I had to accept HIS timing.
He is doing his best to be "present" and he actually is but he is not on the floor begging for forgiveness.
What I am trying to say is, keep what YOU WANT need clear but do allow him some time to digest what you are saying and act accordingly BEFORE you get bummed about it.
The discussion about the phone, sounds so familiar. We didnt have it for the phone (my H is a journalist and he cant change his number, it's a "pulic" number anyway), but we had it for example about his passwords. I asked a couple of times BEFORE he gave it to me. He was saying that it is silly since he could open up a new account if he wanted to cheat, but didnt understand that to me the GESTURE was important :here you are, if that's what you need, that's what I will give you.
Lately, I feel he is getting it more. Not totally, but more. He realises it's not only the facts as facts, there is also the symbolism of what he does, the intention, the understanding of where I come from.
I still havent been able to make him see why I need to know some things about the A (I know 90% because I used a keylogger).He thinks I know too much that is hurting us.But recently he made it clear, he understands, and actually gave me an argument I couldnt deny:he said we will talk about everything, we will do it a little later because I am still VERY emotional about it. I dont like it but I agree. And I use "oportunities" to show him why some things are not to be avoided. He is being "trained" to meet my needs. And my needs NOW are much different to what he knew they were.
It is a long road. And a very bumpy one. I dont know if we will make it. In the meantime, I try to choose my battles wisely. Granted I am still...crazy over this, it is damn hard to overrun my emotions and not get stuck to drama.
And one last thing before I stop talking Greek to you, what helps me is to self soothe, usually by telling myself :the worst part is over, if he woudl leave tommorow, I would be much better off than I was before. I dont need him. Harsh but true. And he knows it. Stay strong K
