Dedicated, I mostly post in my other forum in infedility called "How to expose the affair". Here is a link if you want to catch up on whats going with the D papers and other stuff.
As for the dating, the thought of dating someone else is honestly nauseating to me.
Regarding how in the world I can ever rely on him again without him getting on medication, going to counseling, church, etc., first, I can’t. I agree 100% that I cannot let him come back or try to mend things without all of those things and then some happening. I refuse to be with someone that I cannot trust to forgive me, respect me, agree to work through our problems instead of what he does, or never leave me again. This is just too much. He’s kicked me out twice in our 14 year marriage. He’s packed his stuff and left so many times (the longest prior to this was only for one night). I’ve struggled for 8 years trying to find trust in him never doing what he’s doing now. It’s been so hard to trust that this wouldn’t happen and now that it has, I’m really not sure that I’ll ever be able to trust him again.
I intend to find myself a job (hopefully one that may assist in paying for school so that I can finish getting my college degree—I dropped out b/c school was getting in the way of my dating my H back in 1995), start to pick myself up and take care of me and my kids. I am an extremely strong, confident person and I know what I’m capable of. It’s about to be my time to do all of those things that I’ve regretted not doing. I lost me a long time ago. I’m gonna find me again and make up for all the time that I gave to my H and neglected myself.
I intend to get some nerve medicine so that I’ll have it if it becomes necessary. I can usually handle quite a bit but lately I’ve found myself a nervous wreck (rightfully so!) who can’t always think straight and concentrate. I gotta get back in control of my mind. It’s a good one!
(((mb28)))
I’m not in therapy. I’m broke. I intend to talk to our priest. I really think that I’m good with me though. Maybe someone knows something about me that I don’t realize though so I’ll give me my all.
As for the dating, I addressed that in my response to rr22. It’s not that I want to date someone. It’s just that it’s scary thinking that I’m gonna be alone for the first time in my life since 15. I don’t like change.
I’ll check out the link you posted so I can update myself on your sitch.
(((soleil)))
OW. Which one are you talking about? The childhood friend-like-a-sis girl that he talked to behind my back that last time (11/2007) that he thought of D and started talking to a month or so before leaving this time (and now talks to on his personal cell where I can see) or the “mystery girl”, as I call her, that he started contacting using his personal cell about a week after leaving (and I now believe is the one that he’s been texting from his company phone)?
I was never told anything by anyone about him definitely seeing someone. Everyone is convinced that he is. His mother was until Tues night when he told her that he wasn’t and therefore she believes him. He told her he never called or texted the number I gave her. Regardless of my having phone records printed showing his calls and texts and our son saying that he was texting on his company phone all last weekend, she doesn’t believe that I have the records and thinks S11 made up the story about his dad texting. I just told her to think what she wanted but if she decided she needed proof, to let me know when to send her copies of our personal phone records and that she knew she could go to her office and look and her company phone bill and see for herself.
There’s nothing I can do if there is OW. I just want to know. It may sound crazy, but it would make me feel better if there was someone but it would be a reason for all of this. I’ve debated all day about calling the number on his phone bill and simply asking her. I haven’t. (When I first saw it, a week after he left, I blocked my number and called and it’s a girl.)
(((alice444)))
Thanks for the comps. I’ve always known what I deserve, how strong I am, etc. People that know me (the me prior to 8 years ago/the hidden me) are completely shocked at the things that I’ve put up with and the doormat that I’ve let myself be. They just cannot believe that the person they knew would bow down, lose themselves for someone else, and take the sh*t I’ve taken. I guess that a big part of why I forced myself to go through what I have for the sake of my M was because all that I’ve ever known is to not be a quitter, to stand up to difficulties and prove myself bigger and better, to never give up and always work for the better times to come. My parents have been together for 38 years. It has not been easy (very, very bad sometimes) but they’ve made it and I am proud of them. I didn’t let myself go through hell I did because I thought I was weak or didn’t deserve better. I know better than that and that will NEVER change. I know me and am proud of me and always will be. It took an extremely strong person to spend as many days as I did forgiving my H for the things he said and did, to let all of it go and leave the past in the past, and trudge through the mud for the good day ahead. I wasn’t weak. I was stronger than any woman he’ll ever come across. It took a strong woman to put her pride aside for the sake of her M.
I’m hanging in. Holding my head high. Taking it one day at a time. I won’t say that I’m not in a stage of extreme pain and confusion. I am. I’ve gotta be stronger than this stage though so that I can make it through.
(((So, y’all…)))
Should I call the “mystery girl” since it would make ME feel better to know a reason for this?
I was told by his cousin a minute ago that H told him last night that he’s having a really hard time forgiving me for seeing other people (the literal one month affair in 1999 and the two men I dated per his advice during our separation in 2002). Great! This all goes back to the 32+ year friend of mine that thought it a great idea to call my H and bring all three of those guys up to him to get her revenge from me removing her as my fb friend after she posted pics of one of them on her page. This was on Jan 21st. My H told me that he ignored every word she said b/c he knew it was just her starting problems. From Jan 21st to Mar 13th, he showed no signs of being bothered by her bringing all of that up. Guess he kept it hidden and it’s now coming out. I haven’t spoken to her since I found out that she called my H and decided that my M was as disposable as our fb friendship. If she were only standing in front of me now!
Although I have filed, accepted that my M is over (for now and maybe forever), decided to stand up and put myself first and let go of wanting to pursue him, move on with my life, and plan for MY future, I still deep inside hope that one day (after I've gotten the real me back, after I've proven to the world that I don't "need" a man, and after H's TRULY fixed himself)that we can be the old married couple rocking on our front porch like I've always imagined. The couple who can look back on their many long years together and say "we mighta had our ups and downs but I'm glad we made it through and I'm glad we became the example for other relationships".
Wonder if that deep down secret desire will ever go away.
Hugs to everyone! May we all find peace, love, patience and the life we deserve!
H just called to talk about bday plans for S12 (today's his bday). H asked if he needed to pay elec bill. I took that opportunity to tell him that our tax refund came in, that I deposited $100 also, and had bank write cashier's checks to creditors to pay all remaining bills for the month except the VISA and health insur (guess I'm gonna have to get my own policy effective May 1 and not pay April's premium since he doesn't agree with health insur right now and he's the only one who's gone to a doctor in April so it'll be his problem when claims are denied). He seemed ok that I'd done that. Told him that I made copies of everything for proof to give him.
Somehow that led into him asking if I'd talked to a L. I did not tell him that I'd filed, only that I'd talked to one. He got frustrated that I wouldn't tell him who. (Surprisingly wasn't cussing and yelling as usual but calm instead.) I could feel myself getting emotional when this topic came up so I tried to cut him off and jump off of phone. I didn't want to be rude and hang up. He kept me on the phone trying to talk about how he'd like the D to go, how he'd hope our L's would be, etc. I wasn't able to hold it in and began to cry then began telling him that I loved him, always would, would one day forgive him for what he's doing, but for now, I cannot stand him and do not want to see him or hear his voice. (I wasn't rude in anyway, just honest. When he commented that he didn't mean to upset me and that I was fine until talk of L, I told him that I'm rarely fine but have been able to hide my emotions very well because he doesn't deserve to see my emotions anymore. He gave up that right when he chose to do what he's doing and he doesn't get to see how he makes me cry. I told him that I didn't want to be rude and hang up, that he asked me to let him go physically and emotionally for the rest of our lives and all I'm asking is to be let off of this phone call because I didn't want to talk to him. After a few more mins, I finally just said, "I'm sorry. I'm not being mean but I'm hanging up the phone for my own well being."
OMG! I'm so mad at myself for talking to him! Now I've gotta see him this afternoon when he picks up kids to take them out to eat for S12's bday. Screw it! I'm mad. Crying over! Back to being completely, sickeningly pleasant!
Last edited by dedicated; 04/23/1004:11 PM. Reason: misspelled word
Feel your emotions. You had a good cry on the phone with him, said your piece, and that's it.
When yous ee him today, be calm and keep your head up. If he asks more questions about what you discussed with the L or talks about how "he wants" the D to go, tell him you will review everything with your L and change the subject.
He didn't ask what L and I talked about, just if I had and who it was. Said he wanted L's to be nice and not talk bad about either of us just to start a war and cost us money. That type of stuff. Asked if I went to same L from 1999 (he filed and 2 wks later we were back 2gether). Told him that I'd never use same L again. That I don't agree with D, but this is what he wants, I've accepted it, and wouldn't (for everyone's sake) use the L from the past which would only serve to stir up the past for all of us.
I don't intend to discuss D and/or L with him again. Thanks for the advice, soleil. I'll keep my head up. Now to go redo make-up and go register D5 for elementary school next year!
When H came to get kids to take them to eat for S12's bday with H's fam, like on earlier call, H was being polite. When he noticed me kindly nudging them out the door, he came back inside and asked me what was wrong. H's acting like he doesn't understand why I have to be upset about b/c he didn't do anything upsetting yesterday. Apparently him wanting a D isn't cause for me to be upset and not want to see or talk to him. I told him that it doesn't matter if he's nice or mean, I can get over the crap he gives me during the days, it's the main story that he wants a D that I can't get over. H still acted confused. I finally said "(H's name), it doesn't matter if you tell me you hate me right now or stood here and told me that you loved me and wanted to come home, right now, everything just hurts too much. It's not what you say or do, it's the decision that you've made. Now please leave. I'm not being mean. I can't see you right now and your fam has been waiting." H left.
When H brought them back, we did not speak. H talked to kids for a few then hinted that he was leaving. I didn't look up when I said bye. As he was stepping out the door, I called his name. (This was so stupid of me.) I told him that I'd made homemade spaghetti and didn't want to waste the sauce that we hadn't eaten and asked it he wanted it (that's his favorite). With an attitude, he told me no and nearly slammed the door.
(I'm not sure why he suddenly got an attitude. Did he expect me to say something nice, ask him to hang around, or what? H's so confusing!)
After he left I sent the following text to him. I asked that he not respond and he did not but now I find myself wondering what his response would be....
My text:
It does not matter what you do or say right now. Those individual things hurt a lot. What hurts the most is the fact that you are doing what you're doing. You're divorcing me. That's what matters. That's what you've done. When you want to ask again what you've done to upset me, that's the answer. There might be other things but that's the one I can't get over. When you're mean, I can let it go. I cannot let it go that you're divorcing me. That's the unforgivable, heart shredding pain I feel everytime I see you. You're right there. I can't hug you. I can't tell you how I feel. I see you and notice attractive things and can't compliment you. I can't do anything except accept that you're doing this...because of "everything". Don't ever ask me again what you did or what's wrong. You know the answer. Don't write back. I'm not being mean. I'm having to protect myself and my heart while accepting what you're doing to me and our family because of what YOU want. I can't see you and hear your voice right now because it makes it more difficult to protect myself from this hell that I'm being thrown into without warning. I cannot believe that you've planned this over the last year while looking me in the eye, telling me the loving things you've said, making love to me, telling me two months ago that you were never leaving and to let go of my insecurities about his happening, having fun at concerts and shooting pool, etc. That's just so wrong. Christmas, Valentine's Day (I loved the card you made me), you holding me the day after your last surgery. It was all fake. That doesn't even include things we enjoyed together between last May and Christmas. WTH?! It doesn't matter. You're done. It's all just memories now. Time for me to focus on my kids and myself and make myself proud again. I don't mean any of this in a mean fashion. It's the only way that I know right now to describle to you my thoughts, feelings, and reasons why it hurts so much to see you and hear your voice. That's my explanation as to why it hurts and what you've done. I don't want to feel any of this. I don't want to be going through this at all. You're putting me through it. I'm human. I have a heart and it's destroyed and I have to react. I've been told to do what I need to do to take care of myself. My heart is the majority of me and I to protect it. Right now that means my ears can't hear you, my hands can't touch you, and my eyes can't see you so that my heart can't feel so much. I hope you understand this and know that I don't say these words to be mean, but only to explain why I've said what I've said.
Not good, huh? That's what I'm thinking. That was a big ole backslide on my part, right? I should've just stuck with not speaking to him at all about anything. I shouldn't have shared my pain with him. But then again, I don't want him thinking that he hasn't hurt me. Confused!
Well, you did it and can't untext it. So don't worry about it! Don't beat yourself up.
The next time think about it 24-48 hours before you start texting so you can decide if you really want to send it.
What's done is done. It's hard to act like a robot and not show feelings all the time. It's unrealistic of him to think you would be thrilled also after all of this. Hope your week gets easier.
Friday's happenings were written about already. Yesterday, I got some things done and decided to go to a concert with friends. There was NC with H all day (which WAS good). When I got home around 1:15am, I found that one of our dogs had passed while I was out. (She's been sick with heart problems for months but has seemed so much better for a couple weeks.) Needless to say, I had to text H to figure out what he wanted to do with her. (Bury her, where to bury her, cremate her, etc., and what I should do with her for the night.) H gave suggestions as to what to do with her overnight and said we'd talk in the am. When H called this morning, S12 decided he wanted to bury her but not at home just in case we have to sell the house. He wanted her buried at my parents' house and to have H help up bury her. H came over (kids went to my parents' house after church) and we put her in his truck together. When he was here, he acted very odd. I got the impression that there was something he wanted to say or do but didn't bring himself to do so. (I don't know why I try to figure him out though. Seems I can't trust my gut when it comes to H right now.) He kinda "loitered" around the house. Asked if he could get some free weights, I ok'd it, helped him get them, he was very polite and considerate of my safety and cleanliness while moving big, heavy stuff out of the way (stuff I'd usually move on my own and he'd not think twice about helping me), asked me for heartburn medicine and stayed standing just outside of bedroom door while I got them. It was all very wierd. After burying our dog, we all cried, each of us held our children, and I thanked him for burying her and agreeing to come to my parents' home to do so.
Anyway, to add to my ridiculous sadness, my dog died last night and after telling H Friday (more than once) that I couldn't bear to see him or talk to him because it hurt too much, I ended up texting him Fri night, Sat night, had to see him today (by ourselves for a little while, and like I said, he acted wierd), and will have to see him tomorrow and Tues night for baseball games. Really sounds like I meant what I said Friday, huh?
